To relocate or not…

[Blankspace88]

Looking for some advice please… I have been with my other half for three years and we have just had our first baby together (8 weeks old ☺️). I have a child from a previous relationship who is 9 years old. We live in a lovely town and my son is settled in school. However, I only have a 2 bedroom house so we will need to move soon. My partner moved in with us a year or so ago but also has his own 3 bedroom house back in his town. He doesn’t have any connections to that town or have any friends or family living there. That town is just over 30 mins from where we currently are. My other half wants us to move back to his house which means relocating and moving my son’s school, which I feel really apprehensive about and don’t want to do. I also don’t want to have to ‘start again’ when I have friends here and family close by. His argument is that his job will be about ten minutes down the road from his house and thirty minutes down the road from here if we buy a new house here and sell both of ours. He thinks I am being selfish and is putting a lot of pressure on me to move over to his place in a different town. Opinions please - do I just have to bite the bullet and relocate the whole family and schools to a new place or put my foot down?!

Where does your older child’s father live?

Absolutely don't move if your son is settled in school and your friends are close by. 30 minute commute is nothing. Additionally, a new house that you jointly own will set things off on a more equal footing, versus you moving into "his" house.

Where do you work? Do you work? Your 9 year old DC hasn't got long left in primary school, so prime time to move could be when moving to secondary, which is not long off and gives you a bit of time to assess how your relationship is working after your baby arrives.
Could you maybe do a trial at his house to see if it works on not? Perhaps in the summer holidays so you don't have to move schools.

@Ponderingwindow He doesn’t have a relationship with his father unfortunately so we don’t need to consider this.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation Yes this is my thinking but I don’t want to be selfish. He doesn’t like the place I live in as it’s not a big town. But it does have everything we need and a lovely high street.

Follow your gut instincts! But also have a conversation with your partner about your decision.

@Opentooffers I work from home mainly as an accountant, so I can work from anywhere. I just don’t want to have to start over when I’ve spent so long making my friends and getting my son settled with his friends and school. But yes, he could move for secondary school. Only thing is that my other half wants to move very soon as this house we are in is too small and his is the right size. Although it’s not mine and it just doesn’t feel like home. I want to start fresh with our own house together. But I do understand his view also.

Move in between perhaps? 15 mins each way to respective towns sounds like a compromise.

Sell both houses and buy a bigger one in your town.

I had to move for a very similar reason aged 7. It was a real wrench and I found it difficult to adjust. Our 10yo is very attached to where we live.

Childs needs definitely trump adults on this one.

ive relocated several times and personally I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to do right now :
*your dc just had a baby sibling arrive, this is huge and I wouldn’t want to uproot them
*having friends and support when you just had a baby is so so important and we all know how difficult it’s to get out of the house some days so adding commute to takt woul make things difficult
*is house you live in now yours? Would you sell it if you move in with him? I wouldn’t move unless I would keep money from house sale or be on new mortgage or rental agreement.
I think it’s selfish of your do to insist on move, like other person said sell both and buy something bigger in your area, extend yours or stay put. Good luck

Thanks so much to all of you for your responses. So with lots of pressure, I have put my flat on the market and it’s now in the process of being sold. We needed to sell mine anyway as we don’t have enough space so that’s not an issue. HOWEVER, he refuses to sell his as in his words ‘he doesn’t have to.’ The only option I therefore had was to move everyone over to his until he secures his job over the next year. My baby is now 6 months old, I’m getting very little sleep, having to commute my son into his school 40 minutes away and I’m so unhappy. The journey is so stressful and my baby is screaming in the car which means my son has to feed her and soothe her whilst I drive. I’ve told my other half that I can’t do this for long as he’s told me that if I move back to my town then that’s the end of the relationship and that I’m being selfish. I just don’t know what to do. I feel stuck and I miss living in my town so much. Any advice welcome 🙏🏻

Further to this, whenever I talk to him it ends in an argument and he is extremely ‘shouty’ so I feel like I can’t have a calm conversation…

Please pull out the sale of your home. Stay where you are. He is shouty and uncompromising and doesn’t seem to have your or your eldest child’s best interest at heart.

Would you not have enough space in your own flat if he was no longer taking up an adult-sized part of it?

You have given it a trial, it hasn’t worked. Your 9 year old is taking on a caring role that he may not want to do going forward, baby is unhappy you are understandably stressed, cut your losses, move back to your flat where you have friends and support.
Your partner is being ,inflexible. It is too much, it would be easier on your own as you may know from previous experience. Your partner doesn’t care about the 3 of you just about getting his own way, sack him.

I'm concerned about your update and agree with Hiyawotcha.

You need to stop the sale of your flat and move back their. What you have now is not working for you, your child or baby. He sounds horrible and the reality is that when you have a baby or child you have to consider more than yourself and what suits you.
He knew your place was to small but is not willing to sell his house and for you to pool your finances to buy a bigger place in your town.

You moved into his house. You are dealing with a baby a few months old and driving your child to their school and he is unwilling to make any changes to make life easier for you and the kids. He probably wants you to pay a lump sum off his mortgage or pay x amount a month on this but not put your name on the deeds.

I know people who ended up living in a certain areas and had to make it work due to jobs, kids, kids schools and career opportunities. If you have a baby or child its good to have friends and some support in the area. I have seen friends of mine doing turns with lifts for kids going to football ect and it made life easier on everyone.

@Blankspace88

Please, please don't stay to placate your partner. He has an agenda and it's definitely not in your interests.

What decent man would make a new mum uproot her life and her child's so he can save 20 minute commute? He should be prioritising you.

"shouty" is a tactic to dominate and get his way. No good will come from this and if you give in, he will have learned that he can force you to comply. Next life decision will you ever be allowed to voice your thoughts?

When I read your first post I saw so many red flags - fairly quick moving relationship, given one child already - and then demands to comply once you had a tiny baby. I know because I had similar and did move. That's when it went further downhill as I was far from my support system.

His actions are utterly selfish.

Will you be able to get a mortgage now you are on ml? If not do NOT sell your home. Pull out, even if it's really awkward and you feel bad. You owe your children stability. Plus if you move you will be unlikely to be able to move back again as he will have PR (so he will have a veto on any move).

This man isn't your partner.

What everyone else has said. It's all about what he wants, nothing about what's good for you, the children, or the family.

As someone who was relocated away from everyone and everything I ever knew, please nip this in the bud now. It won't get any better if you carry on his way, just to see if it'll work out. The longer you put up with something the harder it is to not put up with it any longer.

You and your children are the important ones, don't let this bullying man dictate any more of your life. You need to make your own decisions that are right for you and your children. We're here if you need us 💐

Pull out honestly take it from someone with experience it's not worth the upheaval rather a small flat now and peace than a house with fear and sadness

You can buy your own three bed house later and it will mean more because it's yours no-one can throw you out

Move back, this man is giving you ultimatums and doesn’t sound nice. There will be another ultimatum down the road if you bow to this one and you will be in a far more vulnerable position. Please pay attention to the writing on the wall.

Please stay put and let this shouty ‘partner’ go.

I don’t think moving into his house is the answer. Security wise I think you are probably best to buy somewhere in the middle that you both own. If your relationship breaks down you know you will have to sell etc. Rather than be without a home. I understand his point in the commute and where you live you will meet new people through your baby.

Get your property back off the market. The relationship is clearly over, it won't be pleasant co-parenting with an angry, aggressive, entitled man. Protect your financial security and peace.
Disregard anything the angry man says, just deal with him via a parenting app.

@Blankspace88

You will of course be fearful that you are ending the relationship, by not moving, and becoming a single parent. I get this, especially if you have already been a single parent before. However this isn't your fault - he is being unreasonable, uncompromising and selfish. He doesn't seem capable of empathy.

It's really common for these types of domineering men to switch once you are commited, such as marriage or a baby.

It's really not a big deal for him to commute. If he wanted you to be happy he would do it.