To relocate or not…

[Blankspace88]

Looking for some advice please… I have been with my other half for three years and we have just had our first baby together (8 weeks old ☺️). I have a child from a previous relationship who is 9 years old. We live in a lovely town and my son is settled in school. However, I only have a 2 bedroom house so we will need to move soon. My partner moved in with us a year or so ago but also has his own 3 bedroom house back in his town. He doesn’t have any connections to that town or have any friends or family living there. That town is just over 30 mins from where we currently are. My other half wants us to move back to his house which means relocating and moving my son’s school, which I feel really apprehensive about and don’t want to do. I also don’t want to have to ‘start again’ when I have friends here and family close by. His argument is that his job will be about ten minutes down the road from his house and thirty minutes down the road from here if we buy a new house here and sell both of ours. He thinks I am being selfish and is putting a lot of pressure on me to move over to his place in a different town. Opinions please - do I just have to bite the bullet and relocate the whole family and schools to a new place or put my foot down?!

Your partner's being a dick.

He thinks that because he wants a commute that's 20 minute shorter, that this warrants moving a child away from their school in which they're settled??

I wonder if he would be so quick to put pressure on you both to do this if that were his biological child.

he’s told me that if I move back to my town then that’s the end of the relationship and that I’m being selfish

Fuckitybye then.

He's strongarmed you into it. Make sure you keep in good contact with your friends & relatives as you'll need them with a man like this.

The commute to school is the least of your worries. Pull out of the sale, and do not move in with him. Not only should he be supporting you to prioritise your DC he should not be shouting at you, nor putting you in a position where you have to move away from your support network with a baby or choose between your children and him.

He is bad news. Don't be walking over these coals to keep the family together, you have to prioritise yourself and the kids because he won't. Stand firm now, or regret it later.

You are being abused.

Think about your children growing up in this atmosphere thinking it's normal to behave toward a woman like that. For their sakes if not your own, pull out of the sale and move back into your own home.

You need to stop putting this horrible man ahead of doing the right thing.
You will bitterly regret throwing away your home and security.
So what if the house was small.
It is yours and was in a great location.
You are not keeping a family together.
You are foist a bad man on your son and throwing away your childs security.
Back out of that house sale and go back to your old home.

If he shouts you down when you're trying to have a discussion, then this is emotional abuse. You say you want to keep the family together but what is this doing to your son to witness all this? What about the new baby? This isn't about a long commute. Your problem is far bigger than that. LTB.

Put your children first. This situation doesn't work for either of them.
Also think about it, what will be the next thing he disagrees with you on so pulls bully tactics to get his own way? This isn't a man who communicates fairly, takes perspective or considers actives best interests other than his own, he doesn't see you as an equal and he thinks nothing of your son.

Pull out of the sale of your flat, baby can be in your room for a good while, get back to work and get on a better foot financially.
Put your kids before this bad tempered selfish wanker.

You had a few options to consider before the baby was born, and he has coerced you into the worst one. I suspect money is a factor here, you mentioned he needs a year to establish his job, then you say he's unlikely to stay where he currently is anyway as he can't get work? Sounds a tad odd that so maybe more explanation of his employment circumstances is needed. I'm thinking maybe buying a place together, although was the most sensible option, was perhaps never viable.
You are an accountant, so should have a good grasp of the figures. If the loan to do your house up has crippled you and made you need to sell your flat, and he has unstable employment, your choice becomes live in your place, or live in his only.
So who is most selfish here? The only man who gets happiness, stacked against 3 others who are less happy because of him -1 vs 3. That's not including your family and friends that would probably prefer you to be nearer.
He's adding in extra, that if you return to your flat, the relationship is over. I bet you've not said that if you move out you'd dump him too? If he's done in the relationship by you going, then he wasn't very committed to begine with. He's showing his true colours since you had his baby. People usually have sorted out living together before having a baby together, which prevents this situation.

why do you desperately want to keep this family together - you can admit you made a mistake in choosing this partner,
poor choices can happen - it's what you do about the poor choice that decides your happiness in the future
and you already know you are not happy in your current situation,
and very soon your eldest child isn't going to be happy either.

you say you are self employed - so you can find childcare for your baby and can restart work whenever you want...

@Blankspace88

I have a different perspective on it all.
You entered a relationship with this man. You had a child. You knew your house was not big enough for the family of 4. So - compromises had to be made.
You seem to be expecting your partner to make all of the compromises.
And, on top of that - you have a baby and are running on little sleep - making everything more difficult.

Personally - I agree with him on the housing. Your partner has a house that can house the whole family - and it makes sense for all of you to live there.
That to me means that YOU need to compromise. And accept that you are in a new area, and making local friends would take time. And that with a small baby - it may take longer...

As to your 9yo. I actually do not think that changing schools is some sort of a huge deal - and certainly not something worth throwing away a relationship over. Young kids adjust and make friends easily. He'll make friends, and his transition to secondary would be easier due to the experience.

It seems that you and your partner are in some sort of power struggle over the housing and location. Nothing good would come out of it if you don't start working as a team and BOTH compromise. He moved to your house for a while. Maybe now it's your turn to compromise?
Or - call it a day and move back.

Absolutely this. Do not move for him. You will regret it.

This!

@Sashya a number of counter-points:

1. they are not married. The OP hasn't mentioned that her partner is going to put her on the mortgage / deeds. We don't know how much leftover if anything she will have after the sale of the house. She's put her financial security at some risk

2. Moving schools can be a disaster. It doesn't have to be but it can be. I moved from one school to another when I was a kid - perfectly happy in the first one, horrifically bullied in the other. When your child is happy where they are, you really have to think hard about changing

3. A compromise would have been buying something together half way between the two places. He's refusing and/or won't discuss it without shouting at the OP

4. this man got into a relationship and had a baby with someone who already has a child. He should have accepted that this first / older child has to be considered too in any life decision like moving, if not first given his age and current needs. What about his responsibility wrt that?

This relationship will fail. You can kid yourself by upending your son's life, again, and then inevitably again when you split up, or you can grow some bollocks and stop prioritising your pretend shiny family over your very real son.

" I want to do everything I can to try and salvage this"

Does your BF also have this attitude or opinion? If not then why are you trying to fix something that he has no value in?

Is being shouted down for expressing an opinion a good reason to 'throw away' a relationship?

I read your initial post and could see what the future would look like if you moved in with your 'partner'. Cancel your sale, lose the man-child and prioritise your children. Your brought them into the world and you've now got to do best by them.

To clear up a couple of posts questions, my other half is a doctor. He is waiting for a long term consultant role to become available. This will not be in the area his current house is in. It will likely be in a hospital that is 20 minutes from my home town. He simply does not want to live in my home town and he does not want to sell his house, certainly not at the moment. Selling my house leaves me with very little equity. The sale would be for space only. I want my daughter to have her own bedroom if at all possible. This is why it made sense to my partner for a period of time to move everything over to his. My argument is, if we know his long term job won’t be around that area then why not sell now and buy or even rent somewhere that’s in my home town, meaning that my son doesn’t have to change his life to accommodate us. His argument is that his current commute into work in London (he is doing locum work) is an hour door to door and if he moves over this way, it’s an hour and 20 minutes. He says my son is ‘a 9 year old child and children move schools all the time.’ But then what he is essentially asking me to do is to move him schools for years 5 and 6 and then again possibly back to the same area he was already in when he goes to secondary school. It makes no sense. He is financially supporting me through maternity leave, but it seems to come with tags attached to it. If I express my opinion about something ie the house sale, then I don’t have a lot of say in it as I’m not the one earning the money at the moment. Thats why I want to go back to work, as well as wanting to contribute, obviously. I wonder if I should just sell, pay back my loan and then rent somewhere myself round here with 3 bedrooms and make it clear that when he is ready to make decisions as a family rather than a single person, then I am ready to buy somewhere together. At the moment he really doesn’t need to sell as he has everything he wants.

Aside from this, I understand that disagreements are normal. But what I didn’t expect was the way he is handling the difference in opinion. In my world, we discuss calmly, realise that we are both in this situation together and come to a solution together. Thats not what’s happening and thats the issue.

Lastly, posts that are coming across as attacking are really not helpful (there are only a couple and thank you to everyone else who is being supportive). I came on here for advice and support.

@Blankspace88 so he's using money as reason to have it all his own way? As a way to control you, basically?

I can see from your update that you're starting to see what you have to do but I'm amazed you're not angrier at him for the way he's being.

I can imagine how hard it must be to think about breaking up your family. But you're not in a real family right now, sadly. It just doesn't feel like there's a lot of love coming from this man.

Good luck!

Sorry you're going through this op.

Relationships have to have compromise. Your partner hasn't had to do any compromising at all and by the sounds of it, is refusing to even entertain it.
You sound miserable and rightly so. You trialled it and it hasn't worked. You've done your bit.
I would absolutely not uproot my children for anyone. You have support and family and friends in your town. Why does he want to take that away from you?
He's a grown man and wants to make his whole families life awful because he has to do a slightly longer commute? Sorry but that's just life as an adult with a job.

Listen to your gut op. If I was you I wouldn't be selling my home or would be looking for a rental in the town you need to be in.

I didn’t think he would be this selfish about it, but he just can’t see my point of view and I can’t see a way to fix this if he is going to maintain his point of view

He can see your point of view all too well @Blankspace88 , that's why he shouts you down every time you express it. He is training you to stop having an opinion so that he can have his way. I don't say that lightly.

At the moment he really doesn’t need to sell as he has everything he wants.

This is the crux of it. He doesn't want change because it's working for him as it is. The welfare of you and your children seems to mean nothing to him.

I'm sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear, but experience tells me that if you go along with what he wants to make him happy (will he be?) and to have a complete family, you and your children will be so much worse off 💐

It sounds as if you are in a difficult situation trying to please everyone and not succeeding.
Owning Property is security . Renting is expensive with costs rising but being squashed in a smaller home that’s yours is preferable to worrying about where you can live. Especially when a relationship is struggling.
Just my view.
How is Your partners relationship with your son?

No! Red flags@Blankspace88
You are selfish ? You have to move everyone’s lives so he can slot back to his old life and drive 20 minutes less to work . Seriously ???

He can sell up and you can get a bigger house where you are . Or he can move out and you can find space as you are .

Whether he is a doctors or not he is horrible simple.

You need to put your kids first and that isn’t keeping this stressful situation going.
Your flat not selling is a blessing.
Pay of your flat loan juggle things . You won’t be keeping a child alone you will have maintenance when you leave this man .

Get back home and the kids settled asap.
Please OP and f he’s any decent a man once you go back he will talk like an adult instead of manipulating you.

He is good with my son. But I question whether he would be making me make the same decision if this was his daughter.