To relocate or not…

[Blankspace88]

Looking for some advice please… I have been with my other half for three years and we have just had our first baby together (8 weeks old ☺️). I have a child from a previous relationship who is 9 years old. We live in a lovely town and my son is settled in school. However, I only have a 2 bedroom house so we will need to move soon. My partner moved in with us a year or so ago but also has his own 3 bedroom house back in his town. He doesn’t have any connections to that town or have any friends or family living there. That town is just over 30 mins from where we currently are. My other half wants us to move back to his house which means relocating and moving my son’s school, which I feel really apprehensive about and don’t want to do. I also don’t want to have to ‘start again’ when I have friends here and family close by. His argument is that his job will be about ten minutes down the road from his house and thirty minutes down the road from here if we buy a new house here and sell both of ours. He thinks I am being selfish and is putting a lot of pressure on me to move over to his place in a different town. Opinions please - do I just have to bite the bullet and relocate the whole family and schools to a new place or put my foot down?!

Thank you all for your responses. I desperately want to keep the family together, but I feel like I’m being made to make a choice. He says that if I move back then I’m clearly prioritising what I think is best for my son (which he disagrees with) - for context, I have said that I don’t think it’s a good idea to move his primary school when he only has a couple of years left, has had lots of change recently and is thriving in school with all his friends around him. We know we won’t be living in my partners area forever as he won’t get a job there, so it makes no sense to me to move my son schools. Thing is, I need to sell my flat really to pay off the loan I took out to ‘do it up’ and long term, the size doesn’t work for 2 kids. I was hoping that the joint thought would be that the kids needs come first, rather than just what he wants. I just don’t know how to phrase it to him without him getting really cross and it turning into another argument. I have no energy left anymore for it so am saying nothing but making myself ill trying to please everyone

I’ve suggested couples counselling to air things in a neutral space but he says that I need to go back to work to earn the money to go there, which I’m happy to do. He firmly believes that someone will tell me that I’m being unreasonable rather than helping sort things together. I am very happy for someone to tell me that if I actually am being unreasonable because I’m driving myself mad at the moment questioning my beliefs

This man values the happiness and well-being of you, and of his own child, plus his child's older sibling, as worth less than a 20 minute commute every morning and afternoon.

That's all you need to know.

He knows you're posting on here? Stand by for him to say "Well they're all man-hating old witches on that site, of course they'll tell you you're right."

I note your older child's father is not involved - was that relationship abusive? It's not unusual to go from an outright abusive relationship into one that is less overtly harmful but is still unhealthy, and I think you should consider whether that has happened.

He sounds awful. Please keep your home for your son and new baby. Baby can sleep in with you while you get back on your feet financially. You are totally correct to prioritise your son who is settled in school.

How far has sale progressed? Please move back. Life will not get better. He will be constantly complaining when you put your sons needs first.
or you are too easy with him or whatever. Your son will be heading into teenage years and secondary and needs a calm happy home without this guy.

Your posts are all about your boyfriends worthless thoughts and words. Focus on your own financial security and your kids. The man is shit and not worth a minute of thought. You and your kids are a family, the angry man is not.

The relationship is over - isn't it.

Stop the sale of your flat immediately !

you your child and your baby fit in your flat no problem.

it's a shame your ' partner ' wasn't willing to sell his place - says it all really doesn't it !!!

Can you buy on your own in your own town from the sale of your flat?

I'd do that and move back without him. The space saved (physical and mental) that he takes up sounds like it will help you more than he currently does.

Sorry you're having such a difficult time

My suggestion would be:
Continue to prioritise your son
Stop the sale of your flat and stay there
If that means the relationship breaks down, so be it. Allow yourself time to heal and recover.
In a future relationship, do not commit to someone who objects to you prioritising what you feel is best for your children; and discuss practicalities like future housing before allowing anyone to move in to your children's home.

You should definitely prioritise your son as if you moved and he wasn't happy how would you feel? It could also impact the teen years and I imagine your partner would not be supportive, if your son started to have problems.

My instinct is that this is about him calling the shots/being top dog. In his mind you are prioritising your son over him, so no reasoning/logic or appeals will work. I wasted so much energy until I finally understood this.

Do you have any family support? I think your gut is telling you not to move, please listen but I know it's extremely hard to make such a decision when you want the family to work.

Financially are you now vulnerable? Are you employed or self employed? Does he contribute financially, do you know what CMS would be?

Doubting yourself and getting in a tizz trying to keep him happy are all part and parcel of an unhealthy relationship. Please don't doubt yourself; take time to consider if his words might be only to his advantage and start trying to hear what he says through those ears. We can see the bigger picture because we're not caught up in the minutiae of your relationship, if you take a step back you will hopefully start to see things more clearly.

Please do not go into couples counselling with him. We're all telling you you're not being unreasonable and that you need to concentrate on yourself and your children. We have no ulterior motive in what we tell you 💐

The real issue (and one that will continue even if you move house) is that as a couple you don’t have a good way to resolve a difference of opinion.

We’ve had to move several times with DH’s work, none of them our choice but had to be done and each time we’ve sat down together and worked out how we were going to make it work for everyone in the family. We’ve weighed into the balance distance from DH’s office, suitable schools for DCs, community where I was happy to put down roots with other mums and other things that are important to us. At no point ever was DH saying ‘we’re moving here because that’s what works for me and if you don’t like it that’s tough.’ At different times, different criteria have been a priority - when DS was about to start secondary school, finding a house near a good school that he could walk to was v high on the list and DH took a longer commute to work to make that happen. That’s what partnership and family is, it’s finding acceptable solutions for everyone and being grown up enough to compromise sometimes, and sharing out the compromise so it’s not just one person doing it. Your DP’s distance from work is a factor to consider in the mix but it’s a factor amongst many not the one deciding factor! Threatening you with ending the relationship if you don’t do what he wants is an appalling thing to do….I can’t imagine my DH ever saying anything like that.

Even if you go along with this ultimatum there will be more in the future because he doesn’t seem to be able to work to find a compromise at all. If he’s going to threaten to end it every time you want something different to him can you really live with that? You could really do with a proper discussion about it but it sounds like he won’t be able to do that. That fact alone should tell you a lot about the state of the relationship.

I would move back to the flat. Hopefully he is supporting you financially while you are on maternity leave? If not I would be putting the mortgage onto interest only if you can, asking him to pay towards your costs/expenses if he won’t move back with you. As others have said, it’s a red flag that he is putting his commute above you and your sons needs to be settled and happy.

I would take the flat off the market, move back to the flat and then regroup before making any further decisions.
The relationship is over. Your priority has to be your children and your partner cannot see that. There is no way in hell I'd be moving a 9 year old to another school (or forcing a 40 minute commute on him) because of some partner.

Think about the potential of splitting in the future. What will happen to the money if you sell your place? Will you both own the house? I'd not sell my house to move in with a fella I wasn't married to.

' I'd not sell my house to move in with a fella I wasn't married to.'

one of the best pieces of advice here from @ByQuaintAzureWasp

You stay put. He's already trying to bully you. I'd be looking at the relationship rather than a house move. He's not considering your child so clearly doesn't want to be a step dad. Nine year old trumps sulky adult man.

Oh dear. What a mistake you made. Pull out. Dump the partner.

Thanks all. I want to do everything I can to try and salvage this, but I just can’t keep doing this commute when I know I’m so unhappy living in this area. And I can’t keep taking the constant shouting when I express how I feel. I’m given no oppurtunity to try and sort something more suitable. It’s just ‘if you don’t like it, then move out and loose the relationship’. My baby is 6 months old and I’m not back at work yet. I’m a self employed accountant and used to earn a good wage. My partner has said that I should get a private taxi to take my child to his school and go back to work to cover the cost of this. I’ve always been very happy to go back to work and plan to after Christmas when my maternity allowance runs out. But this doesn’t change the fact that I agree with the commute for my son and not being around his network of friends. I wonder if I should call his bluff and leave and see what happens but it seems like a huge risk.

The fact that he’s shouting at you at all would be enough to put me off. No one should be shouting at their partner. As I said before it’s a massive problem with communication over what is actually a fairly mainstream issue. Where to live with a blended family is not an unusual issue but it shouldn’t be this problematic or dealt with so aggressively.

Your issues will not end here.

Just leave him.
Never mind calling his bluff and who knows what else.

I really have no idea why women who have decent jobs like you, are financially stable and own their own property would put all of that at risk for some character they've not even been with that long.
You are putting everything you have worked for at risk for what? For sex and some companionship in the evenings when you are living together?

I really wish more women would realize that they can have the sex and companionship while maintaining their own independence and their own financial security and peace of mind by having a relationship but not moving in together, not selling their property and not causing upheaval for the kids.

You've not long had a baby. You're exhausted and vulnerable and you should not be thinking of any major changes until your baby is at least a year old. Your partner is bullying and coercive. He's getting you to make decisions that are not in your best interests and certainly not in your son's best interests. No decent man would do that. I know you want to keep it together but you should not be with a man who does not put you first. There's absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be able to stay in your town other than he doesn't want to. That's selfish and self centered of him, and I don't think you should be with him.

Even without your update, I came to say that you're not being selfish. Children's emotional needs come above adults' convenience.

Also, moving you away from all your support networks, especially with a baby, is classic coercive control.

It hasn’t got anything to do with sex, it’s the being together as a family. I didn’t have a child to just walk away after 6 months but I do appreciate all that everyone is saying. I didn’t think he would be this selfish about it, but he just can’t see my point of view and I can’t see a way to fix this if he is going to maintain his point of view

It's not risk. It's freeing yourself from a rubbish person, a rubbish partner and a rubbish step father. How you can stay with someone who is blatantly not wanting your child is beyond me.