Comparison is the thief of joy?

[french75please]

Sorry a long one. I am almost 33, been with DP for 7 years and lived together for nearly 6. I moved in with him fairly quickly but more driven by financial benefits and to avoid having a flatmate. We then bought a home together 3 years ago and got a dog 2 years ago. We have been having some issues for context:

• he never really wants to go out on dates or socialise with others when we would be out at weekends all the time for the first 2/3 years. We rarely go on holiday (have been away once since lockdown at my insistence) and we used to love to travel. I end up going out and holidays with friends/sis.
• He doesn't take care of himself now either when he used to take pride in his hygiene and appearance. The appearance doesn't bother me it's more the laziness with showering etc.
• He will often stay up til 2/3am while I am a morning person and like to go to bed 10/11, we used to compromise more and go to bed together at weekends but rare now as always me having to stay up.
• I found him unsupportive when we had a new puppy as he was dismissive and didn't understand I found it difficult. He also would never help with mornings when the pup was up at 4.30/5am in summer and even when I was off work sick, he made me get up to look after the dog while he was working at home. I also felt he was training me to teach the dog things his way as he would berate me if I didn't walk her the exact way or make her wait long enough etc.

He tried to compromise on these things when I brought them up last year but a year on we are back at square one and the improvements were short lived. He is fully aware of all the above issues so it's not a case that he doesn't understand how I feel, I have now stopped bringing them up as nothing changes. I'm definitely not saying I am perfect btw, its just my perspective.

I think I am now constantly comparing my relationship to everyone else. All of my peers getting married and having babies, so many people younger than me engaged etc. Even just going on summer holidays together FGS.

And I am just sat wondering why doesn't he want to marry me and do all the same relationship-y things all our friends have. He also knows I want to get married and I know he has no intention of proposing any time in the near future. Now I am wondering if I even want all of that with him? I guess I am trying to work out if it sounds like relationship issues are the problem or if I am just comparing my relationship too much? Would you bring them up again and the issue of marriage? I'm so scared to be single and start over.

When I was 32 I would much rather have been single than put up with this.

Personally I would read him the riot act and mean it, either he bucks up his ideas or you are out of there.

Who has the right to tell someone to train a puppy how they want? Either you do it or I do it how I think is right.

The more you put up with the more he will carry on

With regard to comparison being the thief of joy - yes, absolutely. But I don't think that applies in this case.

I'd say if everything is fundamentally good in a relationship, you've nothing to gain from comparing yourself with others'. You don't know what really goes on behind their closed doors / if they're truly happy / if it will last etc, so work on your own happiness and that of your nearest and dearest, and let everyone else sort themselves out.

HOWEVER, you aren't fundamentally happy, and with VERY good reason. In this case, you're comparing your reality with what you really want. And that's a good and healthy thing to do. He's coming up short. He sounds dull and selfish and lazy. I'm not surprised you're not sure you want to stay with him. He appears to be making zero effort towards you or your relationship. He sounds boring. He sounds like he doesn't care for your happiness.

This doesn't sounds like a happy, loving, healthy relationship, and I hope you're able to get away from it and on to a happier life. (Single is 1000000 times better than being with the wrong person).

I think you moved in with him for completely the wrong reasons. Have you also written about him before now?.

When someone shows you who they are it pays to believe them. This is who he is. He cannot be bothered with his appearance now, let alone this dog or you. I presume you remain primarily responsible for the dog and are it’s maun carer.

You and he are not fundamentally compatible. Better to be on your own than to settle to be with Mr Wrong. There is nothing wrong with being single and starting over, you are but 32 after all. What is so scared about being single anyway?. Existing like this as you are now is failure, being single is not.

Yes comparison is the thief of joy but you haven't got much joy going on there for any thief.
It sounds like you are both too scared to break up despite both knowing you're not right for each other which is why you're comparing and why he's not proposing and passive aggressively trying to make you budge first and break up by being so gross and inconsiderate. He is sending you loud and clear signs of how he does not care in 101 ways.

I would break up and rebuild because the longer you leave it, and with children the harder it is to start again. In the future, don't do the whole moving in without engagement and living together for years. Men know very early on if he sees a marriage with you or not and they don't hide this, we just choose to turn a blind eye or think we can persuade him otherwise. It never works. Learn from it and move on.

This isn’t a comparison thing, it sounds like an unfulfilling relationship where you want very different things.

Compromise within a relationship is a mutual thing and done willingly and together.
Your situation will only get worse over the years sadly.

Break up, move on, know that there is better out there for you.

@perfectcolourfound i think you have hit the nail on the head with you're comparing your reality with what you really want.

@AttilaTheMeerkat i did post about a year or 2 ago about the difficulties with the puppy blues and that I felt he was controlling me.

I think you are all right actually, I'm just scared to blow my whole life up. It would be easier if he broke up with me. But yes I don't feel fundamentally happy and is why I am probably comparing this as I don't compare myself much in other aspects of life like career, weight etc. I think I am also now not willing to compromise and work together now as I feel so much resentment towards him. I don't know why single feels so scary, probably the ticking body clock making me worry I will end up alone forever no kids. And probably part of me doesn't think this is bad enough to end as still some good things.

I'm always relieved on here when a poster with a partner like this isn't married and doesn't have children. Surely you only stay together if you really want to? You've outgrown him. He's selfish. You don't have to stay with him, you know. A random decision made years ago isn't a contract that's set in stone.

So hez basically stopped making any effort with your relationship. You dont have a boyfriend you have a flatmate.

And if he's like this with "just" a puppy why on earth would you want to marry him - and have DC with him which are much more hassle!

He shapes up or ships out!

What you’re comparing is people who are happy - and you. Sounds like you’re not going to get what you need from this relationship.
You’re still young so if you break free now I’m sure you won’t be single for long….

In your case, comparison is giving you perspective. You should be with someone who meets your most important needs.

Leave . This is not going to get better . He has you what he thinks about you with his lack of effort .
You are young and can do so much better than a partner who won't socialise or go on holiday with you - that's not even mentioning the showering etc !
You've got to value yourself more and set a higher standard of what you will accept in a relationship. Just thank your lucky stars you didn't marry him or have kids . I promise there is a much better life waiting for you and you will wonder why you tolerated this for so long !

I thought you had written about him before under another user name (its the reference to the puppy that made me come to that conclusion) and you were advised to leave him then.

re your comment:
"I don't know why single feels so scary, probably the ticking body clock making me worry I will end up alone forever no kids. And probably part of me doesn't think this is bad enough to end as still some good things".

Well you are pretty much alone in this relationship now and without marriage or children. You will have more of the same from him as long as you and he remain together. He has no intention of marrying you and you would be frankly stupid really to make this man your kid's father. He cannot really be bothered with a puppy so how on earth is he going to be with a child?.

What good things are there about your relationship?. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself the question of what you are getting out of this relationship. He supposedly wanted a puppy and yet has managed to get you to look after it and train it because he is not bothered.

You're getting bogged down in your sunk costs here and that is a mistake.
The focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.”
This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

Every day that we decide to remain in an unfulfilling relationship, we miss out on the opportunity to find one that makes us happy. Prioritizing our well-being and addressing unhealthy bonding patterns can help us break away from stagnant relationships. It is important to recognize that muscling your way through stale relationships due to fears or insecurities does not serve the best interests of either partner. Ultimately, breaking free from the sunk-cost fallacy comes down to finding the courage to pursue a more fulfilling and emotionally satisfying path.

You are right, everyone told me to leave him when I posted before. And I didn't and let him convince me he could change but here I am again. Yes I am definitely falling into the sink costs fallacy and feeling I should stay because I've invested so much but you're right he isn't going to give me what I need here either. I don't know why I feel like being single is a failure when you're right, I'm denying myself of what I really want. I don't know why it feels so hard, I feel so stuck when I think of ending it but I'm lonely and unhappy here so the alternative can't be a lot worse.

Ye but what screams out to me is WHY WOULD YOU EVER WANT KIDS WITH HIM!

just look how he’s behaved when it was a dog!

you deserve better you’re so young! You could have decades of a great relationship with someone who deserves you

True, I don't think it's really wanting to have kids with him, I think that's a big doubt at the moment but more the worry if I left him that I'd be even further away from that. But you're right it's crazy as I know I'd be doing it all myself.

Time to get on your own without this misery hanging around your neck. She it as an exciting time- it’s deffo going to be better than what you have now. Don’t waste another minute of your life…

This is a waste of your life OP! He sounds awful and you deserve better, run!

You’ve seen how much he contributes to looking after a dog - well a child is a much bigger responsibility and they do say ‘marry a man you want your son to become’

So be careful of having kids with this man.

Also you sound deeply unhappy - he is taking you for granted and seems so lazy! What on earth is he doing until 2am? Doesn’t he have to get up for work?

He is shown you who he is and it's not what you want. It only gets harder to leave the longer you leave it. Ten years hence, you could easily be in the same position, bewailing the fact you're now too old to have the family you want. Life may or may not be harder without him, but if you don't try, you'll never know.

If he can’t manage to help out with a dog how is he gonna cope with a child? He won’t- he’ll be having you do everything.

Do NOT be scared of being single OP- ever. It is sooooo much better that being with the wrong person. Iv been single 5 years now & I’m so content.

This is more a case of comparison is a wakeup call. Listen to it. Do not get trapped into having children 'with' this awful-sounding man.

Your situation is ideal in some ways - no kids, no mortgage, no wedding to cancel/ engagement to break off. You've even seen a glimpse of what he might be like with a crying baby/ early waker/ potty training toddler and it's not pretty.

Cut your losses and find yourself someone who will respect and value you. Good luck OP, you can and will do so much better.

You're all correct it is probably a blessing that we aren't married and have no kids so much easier to leave. To be honest I have been so unhappy and it's pretty much taken over my life and headspace, especially for the last 6 months ruminating over what to do about it all. Part of me worries about him and ruining his life and almost like I owe him to stay. The other part is worried I'd regret it but when I think of our relationship at the moment I have no idea why I'd miss it, I miss the idea of him probably. It's all pretty depressing and I need to get unstuck. Appreciate the confirmation that things are pretty shit though as I have spent a lot wondering if I'm just asking far too much.

He'll be okay, OP. It might be that on some level he knows the relationship is not right but he can't figure out how to change or end it so he's making you do the emotional labour.

If you're worrying about having kids, his delaying about marriage is a prelude to delaying having kids. You'd be 39 and he'd still "need more time".

OP, you owe him nothing, and as for fearing you will ruin his life, he doesn't care about ruining yours does he? You say he is lazy, selfish, and unsupportive and that he is making you very unhappy. You won't regret leaving, instead l'm pretty sure you will feel a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders.
You are still young, you have plenty of time to meet someone more compatible when you feel ready.
You got good advice before, don't waste another year of your life procrastinating about leaving, you deserve so much more than this unfulfilling relationship.