Comparison is the thief of joy?

[french75please]

Sorry a long one. I am almost 33, been with DP for 7 years and lived together for nearly 6. I moved in with him fairly quickly but more driven by financial benefits and to avoid having a flatmate. We then bought a home together 3 years ago and got a dog 2 years ago. We have been having some issues for context:

• he never really wants to go out on dates or socialise with others when we would be out at weekends all the time for the first 2/3 years. We rarely go on holiday (have been away once since lockdown at my insistence) and we used to love to travel. I end up going out and holidays with friends/sis.
• He doesn't take care of himself now either when he used to take pride in his hygiene and appearance. The appearance doesn't bother me it's more the laziness with showering etc.
• He will often stay up til 2/3am while I am a morning person and like to go to bed 10/11, we used to compromise more and go to bed together at weekends but rare now as always me having to stay up.
• I found him unsupportive when we had a new puppy as he was dismissive and didn't understand I found it difficult. He also would never help with mornings when the pup was up at 4.30/5am in summer and even when I was off work sick, he made me get up to look after the dog while he was working at home. I also felt he was training me to teach the dog things his way as he would berate me if I didn't walk her the exact way or make her wait long enough etc.

He tried to compromise on these things when I brought them up last year but a year on we are back at square one and the improvements were short lived. He is fully aware of all the above issues so it's not a case that he doesn't understand how I feel, I have now stopped bringing them up as nothing changes. I'm definitely not saying I am perfect btw, its just my perspective.

I think I am now constantly comparing my relationship to everyone else. All of my peers getting married and having babies, so many people younger than me engaged etc. Even just going on summer holidays together FGS.

And I am just sat wondering why doesn't he want to marry me and do all the same relationship-y things all our friends have. He also knows I want to get married and I know he has no intention of proposing any time in the near future. Now I am wondering if I even want all of that with him? I guess I am trying to work out if it sounds like relationship issues are the problem or if I am just comparing my relationship too much? Would you bring them up again and the issue of marriage? I'm so scared to be single and start over.

You've bought into the "sunk costs fallacy" - staying together because you've been together for so long, not staying together and moving forward together, and you're frightened to change. You're so young and shouldn't spend the rest of your life in this relationship thats holding you back.

Wow, I could have written this exact post 18 months ago.

Comparison is absolutely the thief of joy but in this case, you are right to 'compare'.
My ex and i had been together 15 years (got together when i was 15), married for 5. In hindsight, we should have never got married, i wasn't happy even at the point, but it was just 'what you did' after so long together.
My ex sounds a lot like partner. I'd look at friends relationships and know mine was 'different' but thought that's just the way we were. It took a long time for me to realise, he actually just wasn't arsed.
EVERYTHING fell to me - food shop (because he didn't want to, neither did I but we're grown ups who need to eat!) bills, feeding and walking the dog, general life etc. If it didn't benefit him, he wasn't interested. It it didn't involve gaming, beer or football he wasn't bothered.
I am glad i started to compare my relationship to those around me because it made me realise it wasn't 'normal', I didn't have to put up with it and i didn't have to stay just because it would be difficult to leave or we'd been together so long (sunk cost fallacy)
I thought I'd decided i didn't want children, after leaving i realise i just didn't want them with him. I am so so grateful we didn't have children together.
I met someone a year ago and things are completely different. Granted it's early days but we do boring errands together because we like each others company, we go on trips, days out, weekends away. Or we just crash on the sofa and watch throw away telly, again, because we actually like being around each other.

I feel like my life started at 31 when i left.
I don't really have any advice for if you decide to stay. I feel you'd be banging your head against a brick wall.
But if you choose to leave, your life could start too.
Good luck either way x

I know it might be hard , but I lm watching this thread in the hope I'll come back and see you've left him.

Thanks all - @LemonDrizzle69 thank you for this it really gives me hope and well done for leaving. I think it is hard when there hasn't been a big thing happen to actually walk away. Do you mind my asking what actually was the thing that made you leave? Did you just decide you had enough and raise it calmly?

To be honest I've been really upset realising what a shamble this all is and how much time I have wasted on him but it would be worse to waste any more so I hope I will make that happen @Nonewclothes2024

I think this is what happens when people 'settle' for someone. You basically moved in together out of convenience and don't have that glue that holds the couples together that have love and attraction for each other. You dont even sound like you like him as a friend. Would you seriously have married him if hed asked? because your life together sounds miserable! Don't waste your life like this.

Being unhappy is the best reason you can have for leaving. There doesn't have to be a big dramatic argument or affair. Not wanting to waste any more of your life is reason enough. Time is precious

@XiCi you know I used to think of him as my best friend, really loved him and would want to spend all my time with him but I think that has broken down from all the issues above and just feeling he makes no effort to make me happy. So no I don't think I could say yes even if he wanted to. As I said above I think I just have hope it could go back to how things were but I know that is a fantasy and not worth staying for how things were years ago.

I completely understand what you're saying - i wished at times he'd just cheat or something huge would happen and i could say 'there, that's why i'm leaving'. Let's face it, he would never have been the one to have left, he had it cushy!

There was nothing dramatic in the end, remember the day like it was yesterday. It came about because he suddenly wanted to spend a Saturday together (because he had nothing better to do that particular day) I had made plans elsewhere because i was used to just going about the days on my own. He took issue with this and declared we never did anything together (which obviously i knew hence making plans for myself) It was at that point i said it wasn't working and i actually didn't want it to. We had a really calm discussion and by the end of the conversation, it was a fairly mutual decision. I hadn't planned on that happening when i woke up that day and it took all my nerve to not bottle it mid-way through the talk and backtrack and say we were fine. I just held onto the fact that just because things weren't necessarily bad, it did't mean that they were good either.
You deserve better than 'not that bad' x

Just leave. You're not happy.

Why would you even consider marrying him when there are so many problems with your relationship? What makes you think that's a good idea?

@somethingwickedlivesnextdoor well thats part of my post of trying to figure out if I even want that.

But that's why I asked. What about him - or the relationship - makes you think you want to marry him? Is your life perfect now?

No - you say that he never wants to go out on dates or socialise with others; you go out and holiday with friends/sis. He doesn't take care of himself. You are incompatible with times you go to bed and he won't compromise. He was unsupportive and unhelpful when you had a new puppy. (Imagine if you had a baby!!)

Is this the life you want forever?

Why are you scared of being on your own? What do you think it will be like?

Is there anything you'd do differently? (I mean, you go out and go on holiday with friends now, so you won't miss your bf for that).

What is good about your relationship?

It’s not comparison thieving the joy, it’s him

You're quite right. Not much would be different other than eating dinner alone and not having him to text etc. Thinking about it the last few days and we feel like housemates rather than in a relationship. Part of that is down to me totally pulling away in terms of affection due to him not taking care of himself but the other part is the fact he makes absolutely no effort to spend time with me. So yes it's far from perfect and I don't know, it must just be desperation/fear to want to be married when the relationship is not great at all

@french75please, I I know it's a scary thought, but imagine how much happier you could be. You deserve that! 💐