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Original poster

Comparison is the thief of joy?

65 replies

french75please · 12/06/2024 16:47

Sorry a long one. I am almost 33, been with DP for 7 years and lived together for nearly 6. I moved in with him fairly quickly but more driven by financial benefits and to avoid having a flatmate. We then bought a home together 3 years ago and got a dog 2 years ago. We have been having some issues for context:

  • he never really wants to go out on dates or socialise with others when we would be out at weekends all the time for the first 2/3 years. We rarely go on holiday (have been away once since lockdown at my insistence) and we used to love to travel. I end up going out and holidays with friends/sis.
  • He doesn't take care of himself now either when he used to take pride in his hygiene and appearance. The appearance doesn't bother me it's more the laziness with showering etc.
  • He will often stay up til 2/3am while I am a morning person and like to go to bed 10/11, we used to compromise more and go to bed together at weekends but rare now as always me having to stay up.
  • I found him unsupportive when we had a new puppy as he was dismissive and didn't understand I found it difficult. He also would never help with mornings when the pup was up at 4.30/5am in summer and even when I was off work sick, he made me get up to look after the dog while he was working at home. I also felt he was training me to teach the dog things his way as he would berate me if I didn't walk her the exact way or make her wait long enough etc.

He tried to compromise on these things when I brought them up last year but a year on we are back at square one and the improvements were short lived. He is fully aware of all the above issues so it's not a case that he doesn't understand how I feel, I have now stopped bringing them up as nothing changes. I'm definitely not saying I am perfect btw, its just my perspective.

I think I am now constantly comparing my relationship to everyone else. All of my peers getting married and having babies, so many people younger than me engaged etc. Even just going on summer holidays together FGS.

And I am just sat wondering why doesn't he want to marry me and do all the same relationship-y things all our friends have. He also knows I want to get married and I know he has no intention of proposing any time in the near future. Now I am wondering if I even want all of that with him? I guess I am trying to work out if it sounds like relationship issues are the problem or if I am just comparing my relationship too much? Would you bring them up again and the issue of marriage? I'm so scared to be single and start over.

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 12/06/2024 23:23

GalacticalFarce · 12/06/2024 17:57

In your case, comparison is giving you perspective. You should be with someone who meets your most important needs.

Absolutely right. He’s boring, selfish and doesn’t seem that interested in you.

Please don’t waste your life with him. It would be even worse if you had children with him. I would leave now, while you’re still young and have s good chance of meeting someone who actually enjoys your company.

Ginkypig · 13/06/2024 01:37

Think of it this way the longer you wait the less time you’ll actually have to get the life you’re telling us you want.

none of us know what is ahead for you but I can tell you for certain none of it will be possible if you don’t try for it.

Original poster
french75please · 13/06/2024 06:33

Thanks all you're all confirming what I know deep down and although scared to end it at least there is a good chance of being a lot happier whereas I pretty sure things won't improve here in the long term. Just hard to bite the bullet.

OP posts:
Passiflora2 · 13/06/2024 06:35

You’re far too young to put up with this. Get rid of him and find someone better, there is nothing for you on this relationship.

GreyCarpet · 13/06/2024 07:51

And I am just sat wondering why doesn't he want to marry me

Given everything you've said, do you really want to marry him? Or do you just want to get married becaise all your friends are?

Bite the bullet. Be single. Have a happy life (which might or might not include meting someone in the future). This is not the life you want so don't choose it.

Slugsandsnailsresidehere · 13/06/2024 08:06

You don't sound well matched in outlook or happy in this relationship but you want to marry him because all your friends are getting married and you feel left behind? Think hard about this because if you "settle" for marrying someone who doesnt make you happy or enhance your life now, what happiness do you see in your future when you've brought DC into this broken relationship.
Move on and get happy!

icelolly12 · 13/06/2024 09:25

And I am just sat wondering why doesn't he want to marry me

Reframe that to why would you want to marry him?

dontcryformeargentina · 13/06/2024 09:27

How old is he?

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 13/06/2024 09:35

Take a deep breath and look at the pros and cons of staying and leaving. Try to focus on reality not his feelings. It's scary to think about starting over but you aren't happy and haven't been for a while. He didn't change and probably can't. Is this what you want for your life? Children and a partner are not guaranteed in life but you won't get them staying where you are. Put that to one side and plan what would make you happy now and go for it.

Original poster
french75please · 13/06/2024 09:48

@icelolly12 I know that's what I am starting to wonder whether I do, outside of the pressures of feeling like I should be getting married etc.

@dontcryformeargentina he is 34

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand yes I am scared of giving it up incase I don't meet someone to marry and have kids with but realistically that probably won't and shouldn't happen with him anyway so what am I really losing. I think I am holding on to what he used to be like in the beginning as I feel all these issues were never there in the beginning so I always have that doubt of maybe we could go back to how things were but that's clearly not really who he is as he can't sustain any of the changes. I think I just need to accept going through a bit of a tough time breaking up and hopefully come through it a lot happier. Just feels against what I should be doing at this age but I know that is not an excuse to stay with the wrong person who isn't making me happy and fulfilled. And I'm sure he must feel similar.

OP posts:
SeatedattheVirginals · 13/06/2024 09:52

MILTOBE · 12/06/2024 17:28

I'm always relieved on here when a poster with a partner like this isn't married and doesn't have children. Surely you only stay together if you really want to? You've outgrown him. He's selfish. You don't have to stay with him, you know. A random decision made years ago isn't a contract that's set in stone.

This. You’re right to be comparing this underwhelming reality with a dullard with the life you actually want. Yes, blowing your life up is scary, but what you describe is no way to live. Get out before you end up pregnant.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 13/06/2024 09:54

french75please · 13/06/2024 09:48

@icelolly12 I know that's what I am starting to wonder whether I do, outside of the pressures of feeling like I should be getting married etc.

@dontcryformeargentina he is 34

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand yes I am scared of giving it up incase I don't meet someone to marry and have kids with but realistically that probably won't and shouldn't happen with him anyway so what am I really losing. I think I am holding on to what he used to be like in the beginning as I feel all these issues were never there in the beginning so I always have that doubt of maybe we could go back to how things were but that's clearly not really who he is as he can't sustain any of the changes. I think I just need to accept going through a bit of a tough time breaking up and hopefully come through it a lot happier. Just feels against what I should be doing at this age but I know that is not an excuse to stay with the wrong person who isn't making me happy and fulfilled. And I'm sure he must feel similar.

The thing is, what he was like in the beginning was his attempt to woo you. Old fashioned I know, but he was putting on a false act which he couldn't sustain. Don't waste your energy in trying to think about what he wants. Focus on you.

Howbizarre22 · 13/06/2024 09:59

french75please · 13/06/2024 09:48

@icelolly12 I know that's what I am starting to wonder whether I do, outside of the pressures of feeling like I should be getting married etc.

@dontcryformeargentina he is 34

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand yes I am scared of giving it up incase I don't meet someone to marry and have kids with but realistically that probably won't and shouldn't happen with him anyway so what am I really losing. I think I am holding on to what he used to be like in the beginning as I feel all these issues were never there in the beginning so I always have that doubt of maybe we could go back to how things were but that's clearly not really who he is as he can't sustain any of the changes. I think I just need to accept going through a bit of a tough time breaking up and hopefully come through it a lot happier. Just feels against what I should be doing at this age but I know that is not an excuse to stay with the wrong person who isn't making me happy and fulfilled. And I'm sure he must feel similar.

This last paragraph is your breakthrough moment OP. You’re absolutely right- it will NOT go back to how it was at the start- that was him putting up a front to reel you in. Sounds like you are realising and accepting that you are clinging on to an awful relationship out of fear. You are absolutely right- leaving will be short term pain for long term gain. Iv been here a couple of times in my life- I’m now very content and learnt an important lesson. Never ever stay in a toxic situation. And remember what society expects of us is not always right for us. In fact for us women it’s mostly not right for us! Things are set up in favour of men- but that’s a whole other issue! Be brave and do the right thing (or stay stuck and miserable forever)
Trust me- you won’t regret leaving…there is bright light at the end of the tunnel!

Original poster
french75please · 13/06/2024 10:09

@Howbizarre22 thanks for this. You know I think this is why I feel stuck as short term things aren't too bad but it's having to make the decision for the long term to leave especially when he tells me he loves me. Feels like I am giving up "something" for nothing if that makes sense. But I'm just not happy no matter how hard I've tried to be and I can't like the rest of my life like this, I'll turn into a miserable old woman. To be fair I now look back on past break ups and thank god that things ended. Although I've never really been the one who ended things (low self esteem I guess) so feels different making that decision rather than accepting it.

OP posts:
Howbizarre22 · 13/06/2024 10:14

Abusers start love bombing when they know they’re losing control of you. Do not fall for the l love yous. Love yourself and leave him. X

Original poster
french75please · 13/06/2024 14:21

@Howbizarre22 yes think you're right as conveniently the niceness will be upped after an argument etc. Thanks for the helpful advice

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 13/06/2024 19:42

You are wondering why he doesn't want to marry you and do the usual things. Why on earth do you want to marry him?

Move out, leave him to it. Your life wil get better and better.

Teacherprebaby · 13/06/2024 20:14

You are only 32! Now is the time to start over!

ClickClickety · 13/06/2024 21:23

Best of luck, OP. I promise you you will look back with amazement that you stayed with this slob as long as you did.

Original poster
french75please · 13/06/2024 21:56

Thanks all. I'm really feeling that I need to leave actually. Noticing all the other small things he does day to day too and I just make excuses for it anymore. Need to grow a backbone and be gone for my own sanity!

OP posts:
Lighteningstrikes · 13/06/2024 23:04

You ARE so young.

Stop being scared and wasting your life with him.

If you're unhappy now, it won't get any better. It's the beginning of the end.

AlbertVille · 13/06/2024 23:07

french75please · 12/06/2024 16:47

Sorry a long one. I am almost 33, been with DP for 7 years and lived together for nearly 6. I moved in with him fairly quickly but more driven by financial benefits and to avoid having a flatmate. We then bought a home together 3 years ago and got a dog 2 years ago. We have been having some issues for context:

  • he never really wants to go out on dates or socialise with others when we would be out at weekends all the time for the first 2/3 years. We rarely go on holiday (have been away once since lockdown at my insistence) and we used to love to travel. I end up going out and holidays with friends/sis.
  • He doesn't take care of himself now either when he used to take pride in his hygiene and appearance. The appearance doesn't bother me it's more the laziness with showering etc.
  • He will often stay up til 2/3am while I am a morning person and like to go to bed 10/11, we used to compromise more and go to bed together at weekends but rare now as always me having to stay up.
  • I found him unsupportive when we had a new puppy as he was dismissive and didn't understand I found it difficult. He also would never help with mornings when the pup was up at 4.30/5am in summer and even when I was off work sick, he made me get up to look after the dog while he was working at home. I also felt he was training me to teach the dog things his way as he would berate me if I didn't walk her the exact way or make her wait long enough etc.

He tried to compromise on these things when I brought them up last year but a year on we are back at square one and the improvements were short lived. He is fully aware of all the above issues so it's not a case that he doesn't understand how I feel, I have now stopped bringing them up as nothing changes. I'm definitely not saying I am perfect btw, its just my perspective.

I think I am now constantly comparing my relationship to everyone else. All of my peers getting married and having babies, so many people younger than me engaged etc. Even just going on summer holidays together FGS.

And I am just sat wondering why doesn't he want to marry me and do all the same relationship-y things all our friends have. He also knows I want to get married and I know he has no intention of proposing any time in the near future. Now I am wondering if I even want all of that with him? I guess I am trying to work out if it sounds like relationship issues are the problem or if I am just comparing my relationship too much? Would you bring them up again and the issue of marriage? I'm so scared to be single and start over.

But what joy can comparison steal here? The relationship is joyless, you would probably feel relief if he ended it, and he is probably waiting and praying that you will.

The relationship has run its course. One of you has to end it so that you can move on.

Ioverslept · 13/06/2024 23:12

I agree you should not waste any more time on this relationship, if you are not happy now you would not be happy marrying him, that would be worse than staying single but you have plenty of time to meet somone else if that is what you want. But your happiness should not be conditioned by being in a relationship, it has to come from within. Be strong and try to live your best life, don't settle for this out of fear or pity!

mrssunshinexxx · 14/06/2024 01:07

Life is so short and I understand it's not simple. But you are 32 and you sound lovely. Get the fuck out of there and find a man who will make you happy majority of the time x

Original poster
french75please · 14/06/2024 07:36

Thank you all - you are all confirming what I know and just haven't had the courage to do about. I'm acting like I'm an old woman but realistically I could have another 50 years of this and can only imagine unhappy I'd be then! Yes I really don't want to waste my life being unhappy when I could have a chance to meet someone who is right for me.

OP posts:
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