Mum hates husband

[Wishiwasstill25]

My husband hasn’t been the greatest partner, for full transparency.
He has done various things that have hurt my feelings and isn’t exactly a hands on dad.

My parents hate him. I get it. I would if it were my daughter.
Dad manages to keep his feelings to himself but mum just won’t engage with him. She won’t talk to him, won’t come to my house for the kids sake and won’t allow him to go to her house so all lathe family events are now out of the question.

my sons nursery called mum the other day after they couldn’t get through to my husband and she wouldn’t even call him to let him know- got my brother to call him instead.

i am not in a position to leave my husband due to finances, until all my children are in school full time. (About one year away) so I guess I’m biding my time, trying to make the best of a bad situation but also started couples counselling (which he finally agreed to) in a bid to try to salvage a relationship that’s amicable, even if that will eventually be a co parenting one.
What can I do in the meantime? Am I wrong to expect my mum to keep her nose out and be civil for the sake of me and my kids, like my dad does, or is she right to cut him out and not come to family social occasions?

I'm with your mum on this. If my daughter had a partner like that, nothing I could ever say would be polite, so I'd much rather keep quiet.

Can you move in with family for a year or are they able to offer you any support to leave him?

Is she aware that she only has to be polite for another year?

Maybe she thinks that you won’t actually leave him. Especially if you’ve put up with poor behaviour for a long time.

But would you refuse all family functions, to the detriment of seeing your grandkids?
surely supporting your daughter would outweigh your personal feelings?

And no, can’t offer any financial support and no where to go with very small children on a low part time wage.

Have you been open with your mum about your plans? I've be tempted to tell her everything and ask for her support.

Would you consider moving in with your parents with the kids? Might not be ideal but won’t be forever and it sounds like they’d be supportive.

I think your mum is doing the right thing to keep any arguments from starting. I wouldn't stay simply because I wouldn't want my kids seeing what a bad relationship is

I've been in this situation. I'm not the type of person who's able to bite their lip. My dd didn't expect me to plaster on a fake smile and get on with it. She was always invited to family events but we were firm that he wasn't invited. If she then chose to not be there then that was her choice. I would have still made sure we saw each other and that I had time with my grandkids. But she still came to events just without her partner. Why can't you?

Your mum has drawn a line to protect herself. She has most likely lay in bed many nights going out of her mind with worry for you. So she is now avoiding him like the plague and taking a step back to protect her own peace.

I couldn’t sit with a man who was abusing my daughter - I’d likely punch him in the face.

You can’t expect her to ignore her boundaries because you don’t want to leave some one who is most likely abusive. if you really wanted to leave you would.

Why can't you go to family events on your own/with the kids? Presumably he's aware of her feelings? I'd imagine he'd not want to go where he didn't feel welcome and perhaps now is as good a time as any to start branching out on your own without him.

You must have known how protective and direct your mother is, when you disclosed your marriage troubles of course she was going to be like this. I don't think it's your place to dictate how your mother should behave towards your husband, this is her own boundaries to choose and she is entitled to decide her own boundaries. I hope you have told her of your plan to leave in a year. She must be terribly upset and worried over you.

Your husband could stay behind at home or do something else while you and your mother attend the family functions. He doesn't need to be there, it doesn't sound like he is wanted or welcomed so I wouldn't invite him along.

Going against the grain here- I do think if your parents aren't in a position to help you leave then your mum is actively making your life harder with her behaviour. If I was her I would try to be (just about!) civil to keep all the lines of communication open and not risk alienating you. I can see her side too though. She's making a strong statement that his behaviour isn't OK. Maybe she thinks you need this but it sounds like you don't. Wishing you luck OP

I do but my kids are asking why daddy isn’t coming.

Thank you, this is how I feel.
its not her relationship, not is it her battle to fight. I’ve learnt to now keep every part of my relationship from her as this is where it gets me.

Thanks for all your responses.

It seems I’m in the minority of being someone who listens to others problems and not get involved. I like to be there for people without judgement and not try to push my opinions on others.

My parents can’t help me with somewhere to live or offer any financial help- neither should they, I’m an adult.
But whilst my kids are young and we are both trying to improve our relationship, I didn’t think it was unreasonable for her to support me whilst remaining at least civil to him, for the sake of our children.
i understand we are all different and most don’t agree but all this will do now is stop me sharing any issues with her and isolate me further.

I take it your husband is aware of your parents' dislike for him? What does he think of this? Does he see anything in his own behaviour that's caused this, or does he just dislike them in return without recognising he's an asshole?

I couldn’t sit there with an asshole that’s treated my daughter like shit. I’d end up starting something. I’d be looking at his behaviour towards you and if he made a comment or did something out of line then I’d pull him up on it, right there and then.
Id be better of not being around. However I’d make a huge effort to do stuff with just you and the kids or to have the kids.
But I’d rather sleep on my sofa and give my daughter my bedroom to get away then let you stay.

Are you able to say a couple of things he’s done so we know the level of nastiness he’s done towards you that your mother can’t put up with?

I wouldn't do what she's doing for fear of isolating my daughter and weakening her support structures.

I'd also want the grandkids to feel secure and comfortable around me should the day come when daughter and kids arrived on my doorstep.

Does she know you're biding your time? Or does she think you're in for the long jail and is worried her compromise would be seen as tacit condoning of his behaviour.

My DD is in her 40’s, but I’d be the same if someone treated her like this. You will always be her daughter.🤷‍♀️

Are you actively planning to end your marriage or try to fix things?

I would expect a parent to support their child in whatever their decision is. So, to me she needs to accept your choice and that you are still a family, at least at the moment, regardless of whether she likes him or how he has treated you. By behaving this way, she is making it harder for you.

But, I say that as someone whose marriage has been to the brink and we separated for 15 months. Both H and I behaved badly to each other in different ways at different time points. We are now reconciling. I am giving my family space and time to accept my decision to forgive him. If the one most hurt by something can forgive, the family should be able to. In my opinion. Others will disagree.

I’m a strong believer in keep your friends close and your enemies closer
if I had concerns about my child’s relationship id want to be in the middle of it so I could look out for them and see what’s going on
your mums option is piss easy for her but ultimately it just makes your life more difficult and causes trouble for you

even a frank chat where they both recognise they don’t like each other but we have to rub along

the thing if a this is about you not your mum she needs to realise this

Agree

What did he do to you? Can you understand than most mothers would really struggle to be civil to someone who treated their child, one of the people they love most in the world, badly? If someone treated my daughter badly there’s no way I could tolerate him. Your mother is supporting you by minimizing the risk of her lashing out at him, which would only make things worse.

Depends what he's done. Violence, cheating, drugs, gambling?

I don't think you should expect your mum to play happy families if so.

Is there domestic abuse or not?