Mum hates husband

[Wishiwasstill25]

My husband hasn’t been the greatest partner, for full transparency.
He has done various things that have hurt my feelings and isn’t exactly a hands on dad.

My parents hate him. I get it. I would if it were my daughter.
Dad manages to keep his feelings to himself but mum just won’t engage with him. She won’t talk to him, won’t come to my house for the kids sake and won’t allow him to go to her house so all lathe family events are now out of the question.

my sons nursery called mum the other day after they couldn’t get through to my husband and she wouldn’t even call him to let him know- got my brother to call him instead.

i am not in a position to leave my husband due to finances, until all my children are in school full time. (About one year away) so I guess I’m biding my time, trying to make the best of a bad situation but also started couples counselling (which he finally agreed to) in a bid to try to salvage a relationship that’s amicable, even if that will eventually be a co parenting one.
What can I do in the meantime? Am I wrong to expect my mum to keep her nose out and be civil for the sake of me and my kids, like my dad does, or is she right to cut him out and not come to family social occasions?

No domestic abuse.
More neglectful lazy parenting, a few incidents of recreational drugs.

thanks all for opinions. I’m trying to process and take them all on board.

Neglectful parenting is abuse.

If you think your husband is such a dick that you’re actively planning on leaving him why do you think your mum should hold him in higher regard.

Not asking her to hold him in higher regard, asking her to be civil for the sake of the kids.
if she chooses to bad mouth him, the kids will always naturally choose to side with their father.

Asking her to pretend that her daughter and grandchildren aren’t even in the best case let down, in the worst case abused, is a form of abuse. It makes the person forced to pretend feel complicit and would keep me up at night with stress and worry.

I totally understand why your mum has chosen non-attendance because I wouldn’t be able to keep a poker face either.

Does she know that you have a plan?

Recreational drugs is serious imo

I think you’ve had some really unhelpful responses here OP. You never once mentioned abuse and PP tried to lead you there. (Obviously lazy parenting is not abuse, unless it went so far that the children were genuinely at serious risk).

Basically this is down to you, and your parents should support you in whatever decision you make. If you think the relationship is worth saving, and you and your husband are engaged in relationship counselling, then your parents should treat your husband as part of the family - because as long as you’re still together then he is part of the family.

If you’re clear that the relationship is over then that’s different, but it sounds like you’re not there.

My advice is to have a firm word with your mother and remind her that this is your decision not hers. As long as your husband is part of your family then he’s part of hers and should be treated as such. If that ever changes then you’ll let her know.

Whatever decision you make - good luck. I hope it works out for you.

So hurt your feelings and isn't hands on dad, and based on that in depth analysis everyone on MN is with your mum on this? I'd like to hear his perspective.

I don’t think you are being reasonable OP .
If a partner of your child was hurting them could you honestly say you would act as if nothing happened?
Your Mum is looking after you in her own way. She’s not arguing, but she’s also not being a hypocrite.
You don’t say if your Husbands drug taking was part of the “ lazy parenting “ you referred to. Did he act in a way towards your children that your mum considered unsafe ?

No has never caused me or the kids harm, just basically needs to bloody grow up!
yes, if my child was an adult and had asked repeatedly for me not to get involved I would love and respect my child enough to do that.
mum has never liked him so everything he does just fuels her ‘see, I told you!’ Smug narrative.
She was always cold/rude and even ignores him in his own house, I don’t think that’s ok.
an earlier poster said about isolating me and that’s what her behaviour will do.

You can see your mum and family with your kids and without your husband though. He doesn't have to always be invited.

DP and I often take the kids out alone with our own family members- gives the other one of us a nice break!!

It seems I’m in the minority of being someone who listens to others problems and not get involved. I like to be there for people without judgement and not try to push my opinions on others.

You're not 'others', you're her daughter. It's entirely different to hear how your daughter's husband is treating her, than it is to listen to a friend's relationship issues.

Personally I'd try to keep my enemies close, but if your mum knows that she has a volatile temper, then she's right not to be near him and risk making things worse..

My DD's now husband treated her badly at one point in the early stages of their relationship. 12 years on and they're happy, he's a good husband and dad, I like him, and we get on fine. But I'll never quite be able to forget that incident (not abuse) despite knowing that he was basically just a kid back then, because she's my daughter!

If he struggled to agree to counselling then he isn't trying to make the marriage work is he?

I think if your mum is visiting your house then she should be polite to him she doesn't need to be any more than that. However in her position I would invite you and the kids round and not him. I wouldn't want him in my house. Surely you can think of an excuse for the children?

yes, if my child was an adult and had asked repeatedly for me not to get involved I would love and respect my child enough to do that

You simply do not know what you would do, because you've not yet experienced that. Your kids aren't even school age. You have no idea what it's like to have adult kids and how it feels.

Neglectful parenting is abuse, OP. It's the most common form of child abuse.

If you take the children to family events and they ask why daddy isn't coming, tell them he has other things to do.

My sister in law is always invited to things with my brother and niece. She rarely comes because my brother is loud and works from home and she likes to have a bit of time to herself. I don't think it's because she doesn't like us! But her daughter is fine with it. They just tell her that mummy has jobs to do today.

I suspect your mum just doesn't want to be playing happy families with a complete waste of space who is negatively impacting on her daighter/grandchildren life and I'd imagine a bit of time away from him is beneficial to you.

You also say that you're working together to sort out relationship problems. If they really are all down to him, recreational drug use, neglectful paenting and being a bit of a twat, what exactly can you do? It's him that needs to change - you have no control over that. He could do it starting right now if he chose to.

And don't make the mistake of thinking he just needs to hear the right combination of words and that you just need to find them. He is the way he is because it's who he is and it suits him to be this way. Not because he just doesn't understand. He does.

It seems I’m in the minority of being someone who listens to others problems and not get involved. I like to be there for people without judgement and not try to push my opinions on others.

You're not 'others', you're her daughter. It's entirely different to hear how your daughter's husband is treating her, than it is to listen to a friend's relationship issues.

Absolutely this.

Your children aren't even of school age yet. And, when they are, you'll be there with everyone else not wanting to invite the child who is unkind to them to their birthday party and not wanting to invite their useless choice of life partner into your family.

Obviously lazy parenting is not abuse, unless it went so far that the children were genuinely at serious risk

Lazy/neglectful parenting is abuse and its only because of her intervention that the effects are mitigated.

My grandma told me once of one of her DiL whom asked advice about the fact they didn't like their youngest dds new husband.

Grandma replied."you just have to love your child enough to get past it"

It always stuck with me as that is what it is about. Ensuring your child knows they matter enough to you to be civil and polite. In my cousins case they never warmed to her now x but he spoke warmly of her parents feeling they had been gracious hosts when they visited.

Ps always made me wonder what one of my grandma's inlaws she wasn't so keen on as she was close to all of them.

You don’t like that she ignores him in ‘in his own home’ but have accepted he is a neglectful parent to your children in their own home.

Obviously it would be easier if she would bend and do what you want. But everyone in entitled to boundaries. Her boundaries are that she doesn’t want to be around him. That’s her prerogative.

It’s your prerogative to stay, for the time being.

“Newnamesameoldlurker · Yesterday 15:52
Going against the grain here- I do think if your parents aren't in a position to help you leave then your mum is actively making your life harder with her behaviour. If I was her I would try to be (just about!) civil to keep all the lines of communication open and not risk alienating you. I can see her side too though. She's making a strong statement that his behaviour isn't OK. Maybe she thinks you need this but it sounds like you don't. Wishing you luck OP”

This with bells on.

You appear to be massively minimising your husband's failures both as a parent and a life partner. It sounds like your mum is not far off the mark tbh

You can go to see your parents with the children and without your partner. If the children ask where dad is just say he's busy

Mmm, I suspect you are downplaying his behaviour a bit. We have actually been in a very similar situation but we have always, while they were together, maintained a surface cordial relationship so from.that perspective, I see your point.

Buy I can't help feeling the issues are more than what ypi arr sayingm for example, we are NC with him now. Not just because of how he treated her , but also.because he has been appallingly rude, aggressive and threatening to us. Had he been the same to.your mum?