Page 3 | Mum hates husband

Wishiwasstill25 · 2024-06-12T13:53:57+00:00

My husband hasn’t been the greatest partner, for full transparency. He has done various things that have hurt my feelings and isn’t exactly a hands on dad. My parents hate him. I get it. I would if it were my daughter. Dad manages to keep his feelings to himself but mum just won’t engage with him. She won’t talk to him, won’t come to my house for the kids sake and won’t allow him to go to her house so all lathe family events are now out of the question. my sons nursery called mum the other day after they couldn’t get through to my husband and she wouldn’t even call him to let him know- got my brother to call him instead. i am not in a position to leave my husband due to finances, until all my children are in school full time. (About one year away) so I guess I’m biding my time, trying to make the best of a bad situation but also started couples counselling (which he finally agreed to) in a bid to try to salvage a relationship that’s amicable, even if that will eventually be a co parenting one. What can I do in the meantime? Am I wrong to expect my mum to keep her nose out and be civil for the sake of me and my kids, like my dad does, or is she right to cut him out and not come to family social occasions?

Begsthequestion · 13/06/2024 07:48

If you were your mum, how would you describe your husband?

Was there any particular instance that occurred right before she cut him off? Perhaps you can discuss that with her.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 13/06/2024 07:52

I wouldn't have a drug user in my home, full stop. They are scum who is getting "recreation" from the slavery and coercion of vulnerable members of society by criminal gangs.

I simply couldn't bite my tongue, so no, in your case your Mum us being completely reasonable. He is not a good person, you're better off speaking to your mum and telling her your hopes to leave and getting her support that way. Not asking her to invite a person like your husband into her home.

Carebearsonmybed · 13/06/2024 07:52

What was the 'neglectful lazy parenting'?

Did the dc come to harm?

What drugs?

Were the dc present?

Maray1967 · 13/06/2024 08:51

CandyLeBonBon · 13/06/2024 07:41

You appear to be massively minimising your husband's failures both as a parent and a life partner. It sounds like your mum is not far off the mark tbh

Show quote history

Yes, I agree. He’s taken drugs - whatever you call them - when you have DC. If I was his MIL he would be in no doubt as to what I think of him. There would be no politeness at all.

Maray1967 · 13/06/2024 09:02

ItsFuckingBoringFeedingEveryoneUntilYouDie · 12/06/2024 17:19

Are you actively planning to end your marriage or try to fix things?

I would expect a parent to support their child in whatever their decision is. So, to me she needs to accept your choice and that you are still a family, at least at the moment, regardless of whether she likes him or how he has treated you. By behaving this way, she is making it harder for you.

But, I say that as someone whose marriage has been to the brink and we separated for 15 months. Both H and I behaved badly to each other in different ways at different time points. We are now reconciling. I am giving my family space and time to accept my decision to forgive him. If the one most hurt by something can forgive, the family should be able to. In my opinion. Others will disagree.

Edited

I understand this view. But it sounds like OP’s situation is different. Lazy, neglectful parenting and drug use on his part. I would not want him in my house - well, not with my DD and DGC. I would be prepared to have him in my house - once - without my DD there to give him the bollocking of his life.

Greenbike · 13/06/2024 09:09

This thread has rapidly got absurd. OP has described in vague terms a couple of relationship complaints which are extremely common. “Lazy neglectful parenting” could be something extremely serious or it could be putting the kids in yesterday’s t shirt and feeding them microwaved fish fingers for dinner. “Recreational drug use” could mean he’s a crack addict or could mean he had a spliff on a night out. We simply don’t know and OP is under no obligation to tell us, but from her language it sounds like she considers these incidents at the milder end of the spectrum. Frankly most married parents I know could complain of at least one of these things in their partner, at least some of the time.

The posters who, on the back of this scanty detail, repeatedly insist to OP that her husband is an abuser are not doing her any favours.

Maybe she’ll come back with some more detail, but if she chooses not to then we have to take her at her word - which is that she has some relationship problems, is trying to work through them although unsure whether this will succeed, and wants some advice on how to stop her mum butting in and making things worse.

GingerPirate · 13/06/2024 10:05

Your Mum doesn't have to be polite or force herself to smile at a man who has been a c*
just because he's married to you, unless of course her not "behaving" puts you in danger from him, which I hope is not the case.

HesterRoon · 13/06/2024 10:09

I wouldn’t do what she’s doing. It’s making it all about her. She’s not even consulting you or helping you in any way. If you were my daughter, I’d be having frank conversations with you but I would not go against your wishes. How is that helping or supporting you?

Begsthequestion · 13/06/2024 10:34

Greenbike · 13/06/2024 09:09

This thread has rapidly got absurd. OP has described in vague terms a couple of relationship complaints which are extremely common. “Lazy neglectful parenting” could be something extremely serious or it could be putting the kids in yesterday’s t shirt and feeding them microwaved fish fingers for dinner. “Recreational drug use” could mean he’s a crack addict or could mean he had a spliff on a night out. We simply don’t know and OP is under no obligation to tell us, but from her language it sounds like she considers these incidents at the milder end of the spectrum. Frankly most married parents I know could complain of at least one of these things in their partner, at least some of the time.

The posters who, on the back of this scanty detail, repeatedly insist to OP that her husband is an abuser are not doing her any favours.

Maybe she’ll come back with some more detail, but if she chooses not to then we have to take her at her word - which is that she has some relationship problems, is trying to work through them although unsure whether this will succeed, and wants some advice on how to stop her mum butting in and making things worse.

from her language it sounds like she considers these incidents at the milder end of the spectrum

Mild enough to have a secret plan to leave him as soon as she can afford to?

GingerIsBest · 13/06/2024 10:40

Greenbike · 13/06/2024 09:09

This thread has rapidly got absurd. OP has described in vague terms a couple of relationship complaints which are extremely common. “Lazy neglectful parenting” could be something extremely serious or it could be putting the kids in yesterday’s t shirt and feeding them microwaved fish fingers for dinner. “Recreational drug use” could mean he’s a crack addict or could mean he had a spliff on a night out. We simply don’t know and OP is under no obligation to tell us, but from her language it sounds like she considers these incidents at the milder end of the spectrum. Frankly most married parents I know could complain of at least one of these things in their partner, at least some of the time.

The posters who, on the back of this scanty detail, repeatedly insist to OP that her husband is an abuser are not doing her any favours.

Maybe she’ll come back with some more detail, but if she chooses not to then we have to take her at her word - which is that she has some relationship problems, is trying to work through them although unsure whether this will succeed, and wants some advice on how to stop her mum butting in and making things worse.

Even now, exBIL continues to do and say things that the rest of us consider to be dealbreakers. And yet... SIL continues to put up with it (even though they're not together) and, more frighteningly, justifies/excuses the behaviour and downplays it significantly. She could be this poster - sad and upset that we can't all just make an effort for her and her DC's sake.

But he has physically threatened her on a regular basis and while he's never hit her, he's done a number of things that are borderline physical abuse - definitely what I would class as violence against - her such as breaking down a door to get to her to keep arguing , taking her phone/clothes and physically keeping her away from getting them back, locking her in a room etc. Lots of verbal abuse as well, obviously. This verbal abuse has also been experienced by the rest of us, including our DS.

She absolutely hates that we refuse to have anything to do with him, will not allow him into our house, will not attend events at which he is present etc.

Obimumkinobi · 13/06/2024 10:52

"It seems I’m in the minority of being someone who listens to others problems and not get involved. I like to be there for people without judgement and not try to push my opinions on others."

OP - she's not just "People" she's your Mum and it's unbearable for her to see you being treated so poorly. I can see this makes things awkward for you but it's not your Mum who's causing the problems, it's your partner. Her refusal to play happy families is right because otherwise she'd be condoning your abuse and that's not what Mums do.

I'd go further to say that your Dad needs to step up too. Whilst it may be inconvenient for you, silence gives power to abusers and your Mum is being clear that what's happening isn't OK. Good luck with moving on with your life and contact Women’s Aid.

GingerIsBest · 13/06/2024 11:05

Obimumkinobi · 13/06/2024 10:52

"It seems I’m in the minority of being someone who listens to others problems and not get involved. I like to be there for people without judgement and not try to push my opinions on others."

OP - she's not just "People" she's your Mum and it's unbearable for her to see you being treated so poorly. I can see this makes things awkward for you but it's not your Mum who's causing the problems, it's your partner. Her refusal to play happy families is right because otherwise she'd be condoning your abuse and that's not what Mums do.

I'd go further to say that your Dad needs to step up too. Whilst it may be inconvenient for you, silence gives power to abusers and your Mum is being clear that what's happening isn't OK. Good luck with moving on with your life and contact Women’s Aid.

Yes. In fact, it was only when PIL finally started refusing to buy in and constantly keep the peace that SIL finally actually ended it with him. People in abusive relationships often feel responsible and they need support to get out.