Both middle aged, although him older. Together 13 yrs. No children together.
Will just get to the point and list some of these things that I find troubling. I don't have anyone to run it by at the moment so feel a bit isolated.
OK here we go..
These were always apparent but have amped up in the past 5 years. It began with him becoming severely defensive around 2019. No apparent stress going on, no obvious issues between us at the time. Noticed he reacted to any kind of talk or discussion about us or himself with defensiveness. It was like being cast into the unwilling role of his 'mother'.
Examples:
He fails to carry out his part of some household stuff. I begin by asking in a friendly way to remember the stuff. He says yes yes of course. It doesn't get done. I then have to bring it up again and his reaction will be to either deny I had asked the first time, tell me I am 'shining a critical torch on him' or immediately get up and do the thing, even if we are on our way out - so he will over react by cleaning the oven as we are about to leave the house.
He KNOWS some of these things upset me, such as leaving stuff to smell in the kitchen, or never laying food up, so I end up doing it. If I push the issue he becomes extremely defensive and acts as if I am hounding him. If i didn't do them, then he would absolutely take his time and I imagine would live in a pigsty if I wasn't here.
Example 2:
Doesn't like to discuss 'us' or plans for the future. Never suggests doing stuff, asking me about my thoughts or shares ideas. If conversations turn to discussing our relationship he is very uncomfortable and annoyed. If I mention this could lead to problems between us he simply denies everything, even when he isn't even accused of anything. Obviously this does me no favours at all and leaves me feeling guilty and frustrated.
We got into a horrible stage a few yrs ago where this happened often, and he reacted the exact same way every time, eventually flouncing off to another room like an injured animal. I did a lot of soul searching and wondered if I was a monster, but that didn't last. I even tried to talk about his feelings, etc, to help me understand him better but it never resolved.
Example 3:
He makes a lot of statements but doesn't follow them with action.
So during a period of barely communicating with me once, I asked him could we talk. He grew irritated and said 'you obviously know I care'. However, his voice and eyes were uninterested, he simply looked disgusted. He always says ' I would love to go on holiday' or 'we should absolutely cook that yummy meal' but never, ever brings them up again. If I don't do it, it would never happen.
Example 4:
If I ever have a health issue or worry, he dismisses it every time saying 'oh, it will just go'. I once had a very swollen tonsil that he insisted looked completely normal. I have so many examples of these! He has denied me having a rash, saying even with a torch he can't see it, and rolls his eyes or says 'mmmm' if I ask him why he does this. He insists he isn't doing anything at all.
Sounds tragic but a few days ago I scratched my arm gardening, so several little red furrows appeared. I later deliberately showed him my arm to prove to myself what his reaction would be - I said look at this, can you see anything on my arm? He predictably said 'not really, is it the imprint from clothing?'
It is like these feel deliberately dismissive, to the point where he will pick any ridiculous idea before the practical, obvious one.
As you can see, after some years of confusion and second guessing myself, I am at my wits end.