What do you think of these behaviours?

[WeirderandWeirder]

Both middle aged, although him older. Together 13 yrs. No children together.
Will just get to the point and list some of these things that I find troubling. I don't have anyone to run it by at the moment so feel a bit isolated.
OK here we go..
These were always apparent but have amped up in the past 5 years. It began with him becoming severely defensive around 2019. No apparent stress going on, no obvious issues between us at the time. Noticed he reacted to any kind of talk or discussion about us or himself with defensiveness. It was like being cast into the unwilling role of his 'mother'.

Examples:
He fails to carry out his part of some household stuff. I begin by asking in a friendly way to remember the stuff. He says yes yes of course. It doesn't get done. I then have to bring it up again and his reaction will be to either deny I had asked the first time, tell me I am 'shining a critical torch on him' or immediately get up and do the thing, even if we are on our way out - so he will over react by cleaning the oven as we are about to leave the house.

He KNOWS some of these things upset me, such as leaving stuff to smell in the kitchen, or never laying food up, so I end up doing it. If I push the issue he becomes extremely defensive and acts as if I am hounding him. If i didn't do them, then he would absolutely take his time and I imagine would live in a pigsty if I wasn't here.

Example 2:
Doesn't like to discuss 'us' or plans for the future. Never suggests doing stuff, asking me about my thoughts or shares ideas. If conversations turn to discussing our relationship he is very uncomfortable and annoyed. If I mention this could lead to problems between us he simply denies everything, even when he isn't even accused of anything. Obviously this does me no favours at all and leaves me feeling guilty and frustrated.
We got into a horrible stage a few yrs ago where this happened often, and he reacted the exact same way every time, eventually flouncing off to another room like an injured animal. I did a lot of soul searching and wondered if I was a monster, but that didn't last. I even tried to talk about his feelings, etc, to help me understand him better but it never resolved.

Example 3:
He makes a lot of statements but doesn't follow them with action.
So during a period of barely communicating with me once, I asked him could we talk. He grew irritated and said 'you obviously know I care'. However, his voice and eyes were uninterested, he simply looked disgusted. He always says ' I would love to go on holiday' or 'we should absolutely cook that yummy meal' but never, ever brings them up again. If I don't do it, it would never happen.

Example 4:
If I ever have a health issue or worry, he dismisses it every time saying 'oh, it will just go'. I once had a very swollen tonsil that he insisted looked completely normal. I have so many examples of these! He has denied me having a rash, saying even with a torch he can't see it, and rolls his eyes or says 'mmmm' if I ask him why he does this. He insists he isn't doing anything at all.
Sounds tragic but a few days ago I scratched my arm gardening, so several little red furrows appeared. I later deliberately showed him my arm to prove to myself what his reaction would be - I said look at this, can you see anything on my arm? He predictably said 'not really, is it the imprint from clothing?'
It is like these feel deliberately dismissive, to the point where he will pick any ridiculous idea before the practical, obvious one.

As you can see, after some years of confusion and second guessing myself, I am at my wits end.

This is going to get worse with time. He ignored you, sulks, punishes you, makes vague promises and fails to follow through, then resents your small spark of independence. I think I’d start lining up an orderly exit, then pleasantly say that you don’t appear to have anything in common any more, and if he doesn’t like sharing chores, best to go separate ways.

He doesn't give a shiny shit.

It doesn't sound like a happy relationship. Is it worth staying. With men I doubt it will improve. Sorry.

Is he autistic? Not that it should matter to you, because you should find someone that makes you happy and it doesn't sound like he does, but my first thought reading it was they sound like autistic traits rather than anything that you have done.

From Lundy Bancroft ‘Why does he do that?’ …

Mr. Sensitive is soft-spoken, gentle, and supportive—when he isn’t being abusive. He loves the language of feelings, openly sharing his insecurities, his fears, and his emotional injuries. He hugs other men. He may speak out about the absurdity of war or the need for men to get in touch with their feminine side. Perhaps he attends a men’s group or goes on men’s retreats. Often he has participated extensively in therapy or twelve-step programs, or reads all the big self-help books, so he speaks the language of popular psychology and introspection. His vocabulary is sprinkled with jargon like developing closeness, working out our issues, and facing up to hard things about myself. He presents himself to women as an ally in the struggle against sex-role limitations. To some women, he seems like a dream come true.
So what’s wrong with this picture? Nothing obvious yet. But this is exactly the problem: Mr. Sensitive wraps himself in one of the most persuasive covers a man can have. If you start to feel chronically mistreated by him, you are likely to assume that something is wrong with you, and if you complain about him to other people, they may think you must be spoiled: You have the New Age man, what more do you want?
The following dynamics are typical of a relationship with Mr. Sensitive and may help explain your feeling that something has gone awry:

1. You seem to be hurting his feelings constantly, though you aren’t sure why, and he expects your attention to be focused endlessly on his emotional injuries. If you are in a bad mood one day and say something unfair or insensitive, it won’t be enough for you to give him a sincere apology and accept responsibility. He’ll go on and on about it, expecting you to grovel as if you had treated him with profound cruelty. (Notice the twist here: This is just what an abuser accuses his partner of doing to him, when all she is really looking for is a heartfelt I’m sorry.)
2. When your feelings are hurt, on the other hand, he will insist on brushing over it quickly. He may give you a stream of pop-psychology language (Just let the feelings go through you, don’t hold on to them so much, or It’s all in the attitude you take toward life, or No one can hurt you unless you let them) to substitute for genuine support for your feelings, especially if you are upset about something he did. None of these philosophies applies when you upset him, however.
3. With the passing of time, he increasingly casts the blame on to you for anything he is dissatisfied with in his own life; your burden of guilt keeps growing.
4. He starts to exhibit a mean side that no one else ever sees and may even become threatening or intimidating.

Mr. Sensitive has the potential to turn physically frightening, as any style of abuser can, no matter how much he may preach nonviolence. After an aggressive incident, he will speak of his actions as anger rather than as abuse, as though there were no difference between the two. He blames his assaultive behavior on you or on his emotional issues, saying that his feelings were so deeply wounded that he had no other choice.

Is this familiar? I was recommended it after posting my DH behaviour on here once.

Thank you everyone, I had no idea this thread had gone on longer.
He is definitely not autistic.
He does make a big deal about an event in his youth that made him despise his mother - a new baby entered the family via a sibling, and he describes his mother never being kind to him after that. I have no idea what the truth would be.
She also forced him to work after school, although he did not have interest in uni.
He blames her for this, yet he has spent most of his life claiming sickness on the dole. His first long term relationship of ten years was similar to him, she lived exactly the same way and even does now.

I am from a different background entirely, and was very close to my family who are now, sadly, departed. My sibling does not live close.

It is a terrible history and relationship, and the question only remains - why am i still here? I have some really messy financial issues to sort out, but let's say I was sudden'y very wealthy, I would leave without hesitation tomorrow, as i suspect many women would.
I have been here too long and have become like a zombie. I do have self respect, but it exists parallel to him. I have so many dreams and plans, and I rather like who I am, apart from....this.

But that's it, I DO feel like I am walking in a slow dream. Waiting and dreaming to get out. I think it might have something to do with habit...that and losing both of my parents in a short time before the pandemic.

I had a very happy childhood and a lot of support from family. I have run my own business, done a post grad, and lived alone for long periods. I can handle most situations when my back is against the wall, and I THINK my problem here is that it isn't. I need a good stiff boot to the arse.

narc might be close, to be honest. He really hates the idea of anyone thinking badly of him.

He’s avoidant and closeness is a threat to him.

Jesus this is him!
I just googled that and it was like reading my life with him in every detail, and i also see this was the same with his ex.
She also treats me the same way, although professes to be a great friend.

Wow. I know we cant diagnose over the web, but so much rang bells there.

Now i need to work out what to do. I am packed, largely, and ready to look for a place. And a PP was correct to predict that he even helped me, nothing seems to bother him. I can go and live in timbuktoo and he isn't worried. Some fucking bond!

bloody hell that sounds seriously sinister

why stay with him for another twenty years?