What do you think of these behaviours?

[WeirderandWeirder]

Both middle aged, although him older. Together 13 yrs. No children together.
Will just get to the point and list some of these things that I find troubling. I don't have anyone to run it by at the moment so feel a bit isolated.
OK here we go..
These were always apparent but have amped up in the past 5 years. It began with him becoming severely defensive around 2019. No apparent stress going on, no obvious issues between us at the time. Noticed he reacted to any kind of talk or discussion about us or himself with defensiveness. It was like being cast into the unwilling role of his 'mother'.

Examples:
He fails to carry out his part of some household stuff. I begin by asking in a friendly way to remember the stuff. He says yes yes of course. It doesn't get done. I then have to bring it up again and his reaction will be to either deny I had asked the first time, tell me I am 'shining a critical torch on him' or immediately get up and do the thing, even if we are on our way out - so he will over react by cleaning the oven as we are about to leave the house.

He KNOWS some of these things upset me, such as leaving stuff to smell in the kitchen, or never laying food up, so I end up doing it. If I push the issue he becomes extremely defensive and acts as if I am hounding him. If i didn't do them, then he would absolutely take his time and I imagine would live in a pigsty if I wasn't here.

Example 2:
Doesn't like to discuss 'us' or plans for the future. Never suggests doing stuff, asking me about my thoughts or shares ideas. If conversations turn to discussing our relationship he is very uncomfortable and annoyed. If I mention this could lead to problems between us he simply denies everything, even when he isn't even accused of anything. Obviously this does me no favours at all and leaves me feeling guilty and frustrated.
We got into a horrible stage a few yrs ago where this happened often, and he reacted the exact same way every time, eventually flouncing off to another room like an injured animal. I did a lot of soul searching and wondered if I was a monster, but that didn't last. I even tried to talk about his feelings, etc, to help me understand him better but it never resolved.

Example 3:
He makes a lot of statements but doesn't follow them with action.
So during a period of barely communicating with me once, I asked him could we talk. He grew irritated and said 'you obviously know I care'. However, his voice and eyes were uninterested, he simply looked disgusted. He always says ' I would love to go on holiday' or 'we should absolutely cook that yummy meal' but never, ever brings them up again. If I don't do it, it would never happen.

Example 4:
If I ever have a health issue or worry, he dismisses it every time saying 'oh, it will just go'. I once had a very swollen tonsil that he insisted looked completely normal. I have so many examples of these! He has denied me having a rash, saying even with a torch he can't see it, and rolls his eyes or says 'mmmm' if I ask him why he does this. He insists he isn't doing anything at all.
Sounds tragic but a few days ago I scratched my arm gardening, so several little red furrows appeared. I later deliberately showed him my arm to prove to myself what his reaction would be - I said look at this, can you see anything on my arm? He predictably said 'not really, is it the imprint from clothing?'
It is like these feel deliberately dismissive, to the point where he will pick any ridiculous idea before the practical, obvious one.

As you can see, after some years of confusion and second guessing myself, I am at my wits end.

I wouldn't put up with this nonsense for 10 minutes but you said it's been years!

Why are you with someone who has no respect for you at all?

It sounds awful for you. I would leave him.

Try watching loverobinclark on instagram. She is excellent at highlighting this type of behaviour and trying to raise womens expectations of relationships and not to accept shit.

Yes OP, mine went through cycles of not hearing me but he could hear everyone else. He also managed to not hear most of what I said but agree/promise to do my question at the end but not follow through and then accuse me of nagging or not letting him rest, or he didn't hear me, etc etc, eg "this garden is a mess so if I mow the lawn can you clip the hedge at the weekend please?" Why say you will do something if you have no plans to do it. I have started to rephase his promises in my head as lies and bs and that helped me see him as he really is. A liar and a bullshitter who does not respect me or my time. Once I realised that I started looking into a divorce. I hate liars.

Or ‘C’ both of the above! I’m so glad your going on your own! Maybe you will meet a new fella on your travels lol but seriously, I hope it gives him a kick up the behind!

It doesn't sound like a warm relationship of mutual respect, affection and support at all. In fact, it sounds like a rather lonely and unhappy life for you 😔 it's unlikely that he is going to change, in all honesty, this is who he is and I don't think people can change who they are fundamentally. So I guess the question is, do you stay in a relationship that is unsatisfying and lonely or do you leave? Only you can decide that.

My ex was like this and it never got better. I stayed longer than I should have because he said he loved me and I saw these as behaviours that he could change, so didn't see a reason why they wouldn't. All that happened is that chunks of my self esteem depleted that I'm still trying to get back now and it impacted on all my other friendships because they quite understandably saw me as stupid and miserable. If you feel like you've given him a fair chance to change and explained how you feel then take notice of that because in my experience the longer you wait for it to improve the only thing that will change are your circumstances for the worse and it takes a hell of a long time to recover from that.

Trying to resolve a relationship with someone like this should not come at the cost of the relationship you have with yourself, the latter is far more important.

Covert narcissist. I was married to one for over 20 years. Took me 5 years to get the strength to leave 'I'm now the happiest I've ever been.

You already know deep down what the answer is - now's the time to face it.

Not exactly the same, but similar playbook was enacted in my marriage except I also SAHMd eventually once we had three children which made it harder to leave but I eventually did.
What is going on sounds like gaslighting and abuse as he's messing with your head and you feel off kilter and uncertain and you're questioning yourself. 🚩🚩🚩🚩 It wears you down over the years and becomes controlling.
If you are on Facebook, please look up Zawn Villines and read her articles. You are not alone. If you can leave, please set yourself free before it gets worse.

Make your exit. Sort out your finances and separate them. Who owns the house? Is it jointly owned etc. get all your ducks in a row and then announce what the plan is going forward. He might be relieved that he doesn’t have to do anything. Some men are AH to make you leave as they don’t want to be the one ending the relationship as it ruins their narrative etc.

What do you value about this relationship? Do you want him in your future? There are many other partners out there for you if you decide to start afresh. He sounds self absorbed, low on empathy and not the loving, supportive partner you deserve. Make a change.

It sounds as if he does not like you very much, but does not want to live alone and has not got someone else lined up. Yet.

Believe it or not he is a nice guy. Will do anything for you. But the mental headfuck elements are not good at all.

Nice guys do not give you mental headfucks. Please come back and tell us how your solo trip went and his reaction.

Are you sure there's nothing medical going on?memory loss, deafness, personality change... how old is he?

Oh OP this sounds very mentally wearing.

My partner is also super sensitive to criticism. He jumps to defensive mode in most difficult conversations. The difference is what happens after when he cools off and regulates his emotions.

He will typically apologise if he’s been sharp and he’ll undertake the task, issue/problem. He will also be more proactive in getting things done going forward, Recent examples include power washing that he forgot and sorting a joiner to do some repairs. Both were fixed at the earliest opportunity.

He had a horrific childhood and works hard to navigate through and do better when something simple triggers an overly emotional reaction for him. It doesn’t sound like your DP can self identify any issues in his behaviour though and instead finds it easier to deflect onto you.

If hes not showing up and making you feel like you matter and are valued and loved then honestly put him in the bin. We all have stuff. We all have excuses for why we could behave a certain way. It’s what we do with that stuff that matters and it sounds like he takes you for granted.

You deserve trips, dates and a meal cooked for you once in a while. You are definitely not asking too much, but you might be asking the wrong person. X

I think the word narcissist is massively overused. I certainly never use it about someone I’d never met.

Do you think it possible he just wants to live alone and rot away in the dirt and not care?

I am not diagnosing your partner but these traits are often found in people with ADHD.
read Melissa Orlov’s “the ADHD effect on marriage”.

When someone shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM. Childish, gaslighting behaviour.

My first question to ask you was ‘Do you think he sees you as his equal?’, but you’ve already answered that.

I had to go to therapy before I learned that my STBXH was a narcissist/had narcissistic traits. I’m happy to use that word because my very well qualified and experienced chartered clinical psychologist used that term.

You ask why, and it’s something I have thought about an awful lot, so here are some of my thoughts.

You are not their equal. They are never at fault. If you want to talk about your feelings - they see it as you are judging/attacking them. They will happily lie and tell you they will do something/not do something when they have no intention, they just want you to shut up.

I realised my husband had three tactics with me, butter me up, bullshit me, or bollack me. Yes they do do nice things sometimes- but you’ll notice that it’s only things they want to do, or it shows them in a good light to other people, or they can talk it up to others.

It often takes an awful long time to work this out. If you don’t think like this and don’t want to manipulate the shit out of everybody else, then it’s hard to believe that somebody you are close to, doesn’t think twice about doing it to you.

i think this is why they say you never told them something in the first place. Either they had already decided you weren’t important enough to listen to, or they half listened, lie and said what they thought would give them the easiest life in the moment. They say so many half truths and lies - they just can’t remember what they said.

Remember it is always about them, they just deserve more than you.

I have learnt so much on Mumsnet- it their actions don’t match their words, then it’s the actions that tell you how you feel.

There is never a happy outcome with these people. I just try and remember that narcissists have a huge empty void in their soul and need other people to supply them with admiration and validation. The less positive your supply is to them, the more angry/dissatisfied they become with you.

To all the other Mumsnetters who have only discovered that their whole relationship was essentially a lie - bless you and believe @beanii when she says she’s never been happier.

Im nearly at the end of my divorce, it’s nearly broken me, but I know I will be free at last.

This will sound harsh but... Why are you living in limbo like this?

He doesn't initiate anything, doesn't do things with you (?), doesn't sound interested in anything you care about, and isn't an interesting or caring person to be around.

You only have one life and a limited period of good health; one day you can't do the things you're planning to do now, and they'll be gone forever.

If you don't want to leave him, for chrissakes start living your life: go do the dinner, the trip, whatever picks your fancy. Go alone or with a friend. If he tries to stop you, or is passive aggressive about you having a life, reconsider what exactly is it you get from this relationship. For an outsider it doesn't seem like you get much out of it at all.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. But you have the power to change it 💛

It grew to a point where he would only listen to the tail end of a sentence, so that he could cover himself if necessary. He once let me open up about a painful memory of a family loss for over 10 minutes, then sheepishly admitted he hadn't heard a word I'd said, asking me to repeat it all

What the actual fuck is wrong with him? Awful.

I mean this in the nicest possible way, but if you don't have kids together why are you putting up with it? He sounds disgusting and clearly doesn't respect you. Do you have difficulty respecting yourself?

Please read the passive aggressive covert narcissist by Debbie Mirza. I was stuck in a relationship like this for years, once I read this I was free and finally understoodwhat was going on. Think yourself lucky you don't have kids together, I'm forever tied to my ex in some ways.

They stay because you are of use to them. You do the grunt work of adulting, which they feel they are too special to have to do. You offer them a front of respectablity to hide their degeneracy behind. Believe me, he will have skeletons in his closet which would shock you.
The guy sounds like a passive aggressive covert narcissist. I had one of those. The best thing I ever did was leave that POS.
You get rid of them by kicking them out and going no contact, or grey rock if NC is not possible because of the kids. It's crucial that you not give them an opportunity to manipulate you.

Co-signed. When I dumped my covert narc ex I got rid of 175 pounds of dead weight that was dragging me down.