Can people really totally turn their life around?

[Gameofcones]

Don’t tear me down please, just asking for experiences. I’ve been on a few dates with a guy and I really like him. On the second date he told me that he spent time in prison (and not a short stretch either) for having made very bad choices in his youth. Long story short drug addicted as a teen, and crimes to support his habit. I was quite shocked to be honest because he seems so down to earth and “normal” and I’d never had expected this at all.

I obviously appreciate that he told me and we did go on another date but I keep coming back to what he told me. He seems totally stable now and said that going to prison was the best thing that could have happened to him, but I honestly don’t know anyone who was in prison before but it sounds like something people would say. I have a tendency to overthink and sabotage myself, so I would appreciate some thoughts from people who might have/ had a partner or relative with a chequered past. He doesn’t seem to have reoffended since he got released 16 years ago and he seems to be on the straight and narrow now.

Personally, i’d assume he did longer than he’s admitted to. And I don’t believe you ever stop being an addict.

Not had this experience OP but if he hasn't reoffended in 16 years, maybe prison was the wake-up call he needed and it's worth giving him the benefit of the doubt. It sounds as if he's prepared to be honest with you too - may be a good sign?

It depends on what he has actually been doing since prison. I wouldn’t just go along with someone saying they had changed. Has he held down a job, paid bills, stayed healthy and had stable relationships for at least the last 5 years ?

Yes, don't want to go into too much detail but I do know of two people who are close to me who have turned their lives around in the way you describe.

If you have any doubts or concerns about this guy, you are at a point where you can pull away now very easily, and nobody would blame you if you did.

But I am 100% certain through my own life experience (not directly me myself, as I say, but two people extremely close to me) that people can change and reject their substance- abusing, criminal past. Of course not everybody does so.

Yes I believe they can despite what some say. I have known addicts who remain sober, serial cheats who do change and people who do amazing work in the community after a chequered past.

If I didn’t have that belief that there is good in most and people can change life would be very miserable.

As for your date I guess it’s a question of what his offences are, if you feel they’re too much for you then there is no hope, meeting his friends and family (I think this can tell you a lot) and just having your wits about you.

But 16 years without reoffending is change.

I always like to think people can turn their lives around.
But then I'm now doing my psychology masters and have learnt about the processes which the brain goes through when cocaine is present. The brain actually rewires itself - it grows extra connections that sensitises it to cocaine.

I presume it's the way for other drugs too.
My heart would say give him a go but the biology knowledge I have would really really make me hesitate.

Yes, plenty of people turn their life around after misspent youth. Whether or not you want to date someone like that is your call, at least he’s upfront about it and you’re not finding out 6-12 months down the line. Your choice if you want to date him or not, I’m sure he’s half expecting most women to not want to go on another date after he reveals that

How violent was he?

If his crimes included violence, I wouldn’t risk it.

I would do a Claire's law check

Yup

If the guy stayed off drugs for over 16 years it doesn't matter whether his brain has been sensitised to drugs or not. I developed sensitivity to aerosols- they trigger my wheeze. So I stay away from them. Going to the OP question... my brother has stayed sober for over 20 years now after very turbulent youth. A substantial prison sentence for a violent assault (whist very drunk, not intentional) was the best thing that happened to him. I wouldn't discard this guy solely on the basis of what he told you. He is open and upfront about it which is a good sign in my books

Thank you.
He was violent but thankfully no sexual violence (this would be a no go for me, as would be cocaine). I did google him and what he told me mainly matches what he told me so I believe him. He has been working and he seems to have a good network of friends, but no contact to his family which I don’t find surprising. He seems like a really nice guy and I really like him, so this has given me some reassurance that I’m not being overly naive 😊

Agreed - I wouldn’t discount him but I would be cautious.

I think there are some things that people cannot leave behind - a sexual interest in children, for example- I would never get involved with someone with that in their past.

But drugs offences when young - that I can see as something that someone can turn around.

One of my exes had a prison spell as a young adult. He turned his life around, started his own business and became enormously successful. I don't think he even got so much as a parking ticket once he had turned his life around. He was completely law abiding, almost obsessively so.

I think youth offenders can absolutely turn their lives around. I think older adults doing prison time is a different thing.

He was mentally scarred from that time now and said he will never forgive himself for the pain he caused his family.

Why would you knowingly choose this? Avoid!

This is a scaremongering thing to say, peddling limited neuroscience knowledge. All experiences in life rewire the brain, not just drug taking. Cocaine does indeed promote neural plasticity, as do many other things. All drugs have different effects on the brain. Some are highly addictive, some less, some promote certain antisocial behaviours, others do not, so saying "I presume it's the way for other drugs too" is irresponsible and a bit silly.
What you are describing as the neural effects of cocaine seem to be related to drug seeking behaviour. If the person involved has managed to suppress that behaviour, then the 'sensitisation' effects as you call them are moot.
I have no idea whether the OP can trust this man or not, but claiming that 'biology knowledge' of vague drug effects is more relevant than the stated 16 years sober is not true.
(I have a PhD in neuroscience)

16 years is a good long time to be sober. Like pp have said, had this been as an older adult then I would probably avoid but as the brain isn't fully mature until well into your 20s so bad decisions and actions from before then could be explained.
Also don't forget that prison is not supposed to be just a punishment, it is supposed to be a way to help people to turn their lives around. If we didn't believe that people would not reoffend then what would be the point in releasing them ?

I have known two different men who've totally turned their life around after very similar circumstances. The men I'm thinking of are great, and are brilliant, dependable fathers and husbands with very strong morals.

Would I take the risk myself of getting involved with such a man without knowing if he's going to transpire to be great or tbh dangerous at worst? I'm not so sure unfortunately.

If you are certain that you will be able to see red flags and detach at that point then go for it. But I would proceed with caution.

I think it depends. How long was he in prison for? The severity of the sentence tells you a lot.

My sister was a drug addict for years and would shop lift to fund it.
Being arrested going to court being homeless.
However she wanted to change as it was killing her she went cold turkey.
It was hard very hard and took time fell back back in to it but I never gave up on her.
Now 20 years clean wonderful mother of 2 grow girls her own home good job.
Unrecognisable to who she was.
People can change if they really want it enough.
They was no shouting or accusing nothing all I ever said to her was if you want to get clean and stay clean and change you have to want it.
And she did.

I know it's only been a few dates, but I would think forward to practical aspects too. Are you OK with never going on holiday with him to a lot of countries, who will automatically refuse entry to someone with a previous conviction.. Do you have a dream of moving to Australia, which might be scuppered if you wanted him to come with you (obviously each country has different rules, but in most immigration law the concept of a 'spent' conviction does not exist).

I have no idea whether or not he has changed, I genuinely think it is possible to do so, but criminal records can affect practical aspects of life for decades, so it's worth thinking about.

I wouldn't pursue this but if you do please do a Clare's Law request. I imagine that if there is one violent offence with a lengthy custodial sentence then that's the tip of the iceberg.

Yes the travelling part is a valid one of course. Incidentally I am in Australia and met him here, so it’s more a question of being able to visit the UK.

@Gymb34 8 years but I think the sentences are harsher here than they are in the UK.