Can people really totally turn their life around?

[Gameofcones]

Don’t tear me down please, just asking for experiences. I’ve been on a few dates with a guy and I really like him. On the second date he told me that he spent time in prison (and not a short stretch either) for having made very bad choices in his youth. Long story short drug addicted as a teen, and crimes to support his habit. I was quite shocked to be honest because he seems so down to earth and “normal” and I’d never had expected this at all.

I obviously appreciate that he told me and we did go on another date but I keep coming back to what he told me. He seems totally stable now and said that going to prison was the best thing that could have happened to him, but I honestly don’t know anyone who was in prison before but it sounds like something people would say. I have a tendency to overthink and sabotage myself, so I would appreciate some thoughts from people who might have/ had a partner or relative with a chequered past. He doesn’t seem to have reoffended since he got released 16 years ago and he seems to be on the straight and narrow now.

Tbf I reckon you'd have to have been given a pretty lengthy sentence in order to serve 8 years. I would ask him a LOT of questions about what he actually did (both what he was charged with and what he was found guilty of) and what preceeded his conviction.

I absolutely agree with you. This isn’t a sentence for a minor crime. I’m not saying that people don’t deserve second chances but this isn’t something to I’d take on.

Addiction is an illness not a choice even though it may have started as a choice, he will always be a recovering addict bo matter how long it's been you're never just cured and everyday is a battle. I think it's unfair to write him off over something that happened 16 years ago. He's done his time, unless he's a murderer or abused children I think it's really unfair to judge him on it. mumsnet will disagree because they all married or they themselves are saints.

And the lack of contact with family would make me hesitate and proceed with caution a bit too.

My goodness. I didn’t agree to marry him, I just decided not to dismiss him immediately 🤯 and I’m glad I did. It doesn’t mean that I’m not taking advice on board and asking questions.
He also didn’t tell me this on our first date. He told me about his prison time on our second date, and the drug habit had been part of the situation.

OP - you sound pretty sensible. If you’d had kids then I’d have said you need to steer clear.

I have known a couple of people who’ve had ‘misspent youth’ (not prison) and changed. Also some who changed after coming out of addiction, going to therapy etc so it’s possible

16 years clean and no reoffending is a good sign: especially as a vast majority of prison inmates reoffend

I find telling you so early a concern (why date 2 and not a few weeks in?), and also that this is a REALLY long sentence for a young person so it may not have been a first offence

I would advise you to: proceed with caution, find out more (yourself- not what he tells you. Look up his case etc). Also: if the relationship develops proceed more cautiously than you might otherwise (longer to move in, don’t combine finances etc) and always be aware that there could be a risk of getting back into drugs.

That might seem harsh but we have alcoholics in the family: that they might start again is a risk we & they live with etc

Another important way to protect yourself is to talk to a trusted friend: you are not there to keep this man’s secrets and your friend might keep their eyes open to behaviour that you don’t ‘see’ at a later point. If you don’t want to do that I would question why someone you’ve dated a few times has more of your trust than a good friend. This advice comes from dealing with alcoholics.

I myself am not the same person I was as a teen/20s so obviously people do change: give him a chance but don’t be blind

Thank you ❤️ This is all very sensible. I did look up the case online and the details matched what he told me. But yes, it was a very long sentence and I don’t know if there had been priors.
I appreciate your advice regarding addicts in general because I don’t know any and have been lucky enough not to grown up with any, so I might be a bit naive in this regard.

She said she googled him and it backed up what he'd said. So I don't really think he has a choice, plenty of women will google someone they are dating just to see what's there, realistically he has to preempt that.

I've seen people turn their lives around, it is definitely possible, and agree with the approach of proceeding with caution.

MN. The only place where anything a man does can and will be twisted into something sinister.

@HanaPales really appreciate this. You've given me food for thought. I didn't particularly think any further than my own opinion ( admittedly my opinion hasn't changed). You've reminded me that I need to look beyond my own limited understanding - reminds me how autistic I actually am 😂 although I imagine most humans don't look beyond their own simple understanding