Can people really totally turn their life around?

[Gameofcones]

Don’t tear me down please, just asking for experiences. I’ve been on a few dates with a guy and I really like him. On the second date he told me that he spent time in prison (and not a short stretch either) for having made very bad choices in his youth. Long story short drug addicted as a teen, and crimes to support his habit. I was quite shocked to be honest because he seems so down to earth and “normal” and I’d never had expected this at all.

I obviously appreciate that he told me and we did go on another date but I keep coming back to what he told me. He seems totally stable now and said that going to prison was the best thing that could have happened to him, but I honestly don’t know anyone who was in prison before but it sounds like something people would say. I have a tendency to overthink and sabotage myself, so I would appreciate some thoughts from people who might have/ had a partner or relative with a chequered past. He doesn’t seem to have reoffended since he got released 16 years ago and he seems to be on the straight and narrow now.

Yes, I do think it's absolutely possible to turn your life around. I know several people who have done it and are amazing, resilient, strong people now. Absolutely.

But I'm always a bit suspicious of people who disclose this sort of information very early on. It can be a form of checking to see how far they can push someone's boundaries to get them to accept something. I did a lot of stupid things when I was younger (though they didn't land me in prison), but I wouldn't have brought them up on a second date. In fact, I've been married to dh for 15 years and I'm not even sure I've ever told him about some of them! It's the distant past and not relevant as not who I am anymore.

I do, however, know someone who is married to a paedophile. He was convicted a year before they met (no prison time though because it was first offense and he had a good barrister). He told her on their first date, brought the court documents to show her over dinner and everything. I assume he'd done this to women before and they bolted for the door. She didn't. It was obvious she would be an easy win (she has low self esteem and was desperate for a man, so she was). They are still together 20 years later. He has offended again since. She's lost all her family and most of her friends.

So I'd give some consideration to how you were told and why. It can be totally fine if it came up in context in conversation - for example, he does work now that is related to being an ex-offender or is particularly passionate about a related voluntary role, etc. But if it's come up as a test to see if you run or not when someone makes you uncomfortable, then that's something else. I would do the Clare's Law request btw.

8 years is a very serious sentence, especially for a young offender. That’s not a risk I’d take…

People can turn their lives around. Obviously there are examples of reformed criminals who never re offend. Alcoholics who are 30 yrs sober and so on.

In my experience these people are exceptional and the majority are not able to change.

I would be very cautious,if you decide to give him a chance.

Do you have children OP?

Honestly, I wouldn’t get involved.

Life is complicated enough as it is without worrying that your partner might relapse to addiction, crime and violence.

Yes they can. My friend was an addict and went to prison. Hes a great father and husband now

But

Many of his addict priaon friemda have not. Be careful

Yes, people can turn their lives around and young offenders in particular deserve a second chance. What's important is can you see evidence that they've turned it around. just saying so means nothing.

But it would also be totally fine for you to be a bit cautious and take this relationship slowly.

You missed the most important thing about the brain: neuroplasticity. Lots of things can "rewire the brain", because it's capable of change. Addicts can and do stop their substance abuse.

@mindutopia I agree with this. I had a misspent youth and lots of bad stuff happened to me as well as me doing A LOT of bad stuff myself. I don't think I have told DH the half of it (although my family have given it a good try ) I certainly wouldn't be laying it out there because it's the past and not who I am now, I don't want to be defined by it and also it isn't fair to spread the shit to DH. what purpose does that serve?

I'd be wary of the way this guy has positioned his redemption arc so early on as a way of controlling the narrative and being able to use this as 'You may feel some of my behaviour is unacceptable but in the grand scheme of things it isn't because look how bad I was before'. I get his need to tell you about a criminal past but addiction is very personal and not everyone needs to know about your dark soul of the night stuff. It also shows (to me) that he hasn't learnt to wait and see before trusting people with your demons. It makes me think he hasn't done a lot of work on himself and doesn't understand how to protect himself and others psychologically.

Do any relevant checks. Give him a chance if all ok but have a zero tolerance policy for any issues.

Hi op
YES
People can turn their lives around and they do.

One of the loveliest person I know has been arrested 7 times and spent three (short) stints in prison due to active addiction.
His crimes were all theft and violence towards other men.

He now works with the Samaritans and he mentors other addicts in recovery. He's married long term, his children adore him, and his "wild" past is very much part of history.

That's just one example. My now closest best friend spent time in rehab. She's amazing.

To the pp saying that he shouldn't have divulged this information on a second date, I think that I would want to know this very early on !! If it's information that is going to send one party running then yes, make sure that it's out in the open before anyone gets too attached ! It's important to be honest from the start.

I had an affair before I left my ex h, I'm pretty damn sure that I will never cheat in another relationship (lesson learnt) but it is still information that I tell anyone I am considering dating on about the second date as I know it's a deal breaker for some people. I would rather they say "yikes, sorry no way" BEFORE I get feelings for them. It's as much a protection for me as for them.

In the case you have described, yes I do think its possible.

If what he says is true, he has probably undergone more reflection and growth than many people do.

Its up to you whether you want to take the gamble on whether this is true in his case.

Honestly I’m glad that he told me early on. This is something entirely new to me and I’d rather someone was upfront and honest about it rather than trying to hide it.

TBH I think enough time has elapsed that he's proved his case - TBH I don't think many people come out of prison, stay straight for that long and then relapse into crime. It usually happens quite soon after if it's going to - and if it doesn't it's usually because they have made a clean break away from the situations that were drawing them in. I don't think life is like the movies where someone goes down, sorts his life out and then gets called up years later for 'one more job that can't go wrong' 😏

It sounds like he was very young when all this happened, it's not like he was in his 30s or something. I guess I'd still keep an eye on who his friends are perhaps, but he was honest enough to tell you and that's a good sign. People deserve second chances and just because someone has been to prison once doesn't mean they are capable of an iniquity for the rest of their life.

Have you got children OP?

I think it is possible for people to change, people do and have and he might be one of them.

I think it depends as much on how he has been spending his life since he was released, as much as before he was convicted. Who his friends are is important.

Ultimately, it is solely down to how you feel about starting a relationship with him, nobody can show you the future, but the past is a good predictor.

I think the your advice on finding out who his friends are is really important.
Who someone's friends are (and yes we all have friends who have odd views on things) is telling; if they're kind people with stable lives then it says it all.

Exactly this. Your OP is a bit of a red herring. Undoubtedly people can improve their lives and move on from a criminal past. Do you want to build a life with someone? Can you completely trust them? Will you be always looking out for signs of relapse?

Also I'm assuming you have vastly different life experiences. How will that work? This is someone who made a choice to be violent and cause physical harm to someone else.

No I don’t have children. I saw that a few people asked about this.
Quite honestly I haven’t seen any red flags yet, and he has been great so far. It’s just thrown me a bit because I’ve never thought about this problem before. I haven’t met his friends yet but he’s talked about them, so I’ll see what they are like when I meet them. Feeling much better now so thank you all ❤️

Tbh I'd give this a miss. There's something odd going on with someone who would say all this on a first date. If you've put it behind you, and want to move on, you'd rather keep it quiet and have a regular dating experience. The only reason I can see for telling you is to assess what you will put up with, how weak your boundaries are and how desperate you are to date anyone.
Quite desperate unfortunately, if you don't have the strength to end it after 1 or 2 dates, 6 months down the line, he could do allsorts and you still won't end it then.
There will be ongoing bad habits and behaviour no doubt, that will come to light, but you knew about his past and were fine with it, so he will expect you to put up with it all. From what you say, he's right. I notice you latch on to any reply that suggests carry on dating him. Not what I'd advise at all.

I would say there's a risk for sure. But I will say I know quite a lot of reformed addicts and people who have been to hell and come out the other side. If I needed to say who i thought would have my back, be there for me if I screwed up and not judge, it would be one of them

Yes I think they can.

I've known a person who went to prison for a while in his 20s. He's now in his 40s, runs a really successfull business and employs a number of people, very well respected in his line of work. Hasn't put a foot wrong since walking out of prisons

Sometimes the likes of prison etc can be the making of people. Judge him by his actions op.

I was banned from driving for 6 months once, for being a knob whilst driving tbh. That was over 10 years ago, I've never had so much as a parking fine since. Scared the shit out of me and it turned my driving around. Not quite the same. But as I said, sometimes the punishment does really hit home and people don't want to do it again. My friend who went to prison said it was the worse experience of his life, just awful.

What crime did he commit OP?

I’m intrigued! When exactly would have been the right time to tell the OP?

Second or third date when she feels like he conned her into that date?

A month down the line when she would have been smitten and found it hard to detach?

Months into the relationship when he would be seen as a seriously awful human being who had built their whole relationship on a lie?

Seems that on the first date is as good a time as any for someone who doesn’t want to lie by omission.

I’m not saying he’s the one for OP, I just truly am baffled as to why telling her on the first date is such a red flag when you could argue the same at any time he disclosed?

@Opentooffers I think you are being quite harsh here. I think it’s fair enough to dismiss him based on the “impressive” prison stay which he won’t have gotten for stealing a hand bag. It’s not fair to assume him to be a master manipulator based on the little we know though?