Should I leave?

[sheetschanged]

Just need a bit of outsider perspective on this relationship.

Been with him 1 year. Recently been told he walks on eggshells around me.

I'll give a few examples of the scenarios when I shouldn't have 'argued' with him.

Same sports hobby - he's more experienced. I went a bit hard during a session after some time off, so was a bit sore. He held this over my head for a week, asking how sore I was every morning. Waxing lyrical about how he would've known better, this is what I should've done instead, etc. Same point over and over.

I set myself an optimistic goal in the hobby. Met with lots of sarcastic 'ha ha good luck' and laughing.

In both scenarios I eventually had enough and said 'please stop taking the piss. I'm just trying my best'. His response: 'ok. I will NEVER discuss x with you again'.

He 'ribs' me about things regularly. My car - it's old and has a tiny engine. My diet. Something about my appearance - funny from my best friend, who loves me regardless, but not from him. Little things about where I live - again funny from someone who grew up here also, but he's from a much more fortunate background. In the end I've pushed back about all of these things, just in a 'I don't think that's funny' kind of way. Met with 'ok yes I'm a dickhead. I'm ALWAYS wrong'.

I badly sprained my ankle and he seemed to find it so funny. In the end called me a 'bit of an idiot' because of the circumstances in which it happened - baring in mind I wasn't doing anything stupid at the time, I just slipped and it really bloody hurt.

He has an issue with me being a night owl. I WFH so don't need to be up early. After months of suggestions I am somehow lazy, I said 'your way of doing things isn't necessarily the right way. I work really hard and I'm good at my job. Me being up at 8:30 is fine when I start at 9. Please leave it'. Similar 'I'm obviously a dickhead' defensive response that I mentioned before.

The other day he damaged one of my (expensive) possessions - he did not blink. Just put it back. No 'ah shit I'm sorry'. I was annoyed (at lack of care/apology, not a human mistake) and raised it. His response was to make out I was annoyed at him making a mistake, and say this lovely day he had planned was 'ruined' by me 'arguing' with him.

This was when he told me he walks on eggshells around me, and I want to argue with him too much.

After all these apparent arguments I'm always the one who smooths things over. It feels like he criticizes, makes digs, causes offense to the point he's called out, and then cannot handle the feedback. In order to de-escalate I then end up comforting him, when he was the one who upset me.

Am I somehow in the wrong here, or do I need to leave?

He sounds awful, he's a jerk and then tries to make out you're the problem. This is a no brainer, you should leave him.

He laughs at you and puts you down and you're meant to take it?!

Leave and say 'oh yes you are a dickhead'.

Not read all the examples as the first few were enough. He is right, he is a dickhead, so why are you with him? Only been a year, shouldn't be too hard to dump.

I guess it's difficult because he can also be very sweet and caring.

It's like Jekyll and Hyde. Sometimes can't do enough for me, but then it's mixed in with this.

I think it's because he can seem so decent at times that I have started to wonder whether it is actually me that's the problem - maybe I'm too sensitive or argumentative

That's the cycle of abuse, nobody's nasty all the time, it alternates so you stick around. What it rarely does, is get better.

Call him out on his stupid behaviour, give him an ultimatum and take it from there…. Tell him he’s being a dickhead and if he doesn’t change your off !

I think so far I have been wrapped up in the 'better' parts of him, so I've been determined to see myself as too sensitive - that way I can just try to be less sensitive and everything will be good.

I'd have walked away immediately if it'd been more overt, but these things are sort of subtly sprinkled in - they hurt when they happen, but I can easily rationalize it as a tip to get better at the hobby, or a joke in good nature.

It's only really now I've written them out that I see how bad it looks

Relationships are all about boundaries, yeah of course we can all be an asshole at times , but it’s being aware of your actions and opinions is what matters… If it feels bad it probably is, and is it worth fixing is the question you should be asking yourself…

He sounds a highly skilled manipulator with a bit of a sadistic streak.
The question, to me, is not whether you should leave, but how fast.

It's like Jekyll and Hyde

Classic abusive characteristic. If he was vile 100% of the time you wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole. He’s got to be just nice enough to reel you back in then can be his usual nasty self for a while.
And he’s walking on eggshells? Sure he is, already getting his story for when you dump him. “Poor me ( sad face) she was so unpredictable ( sigh) I had to walk on egg shells around her. “
Throw him back into his cess pit.

He sounds absolutely fucking awful. Dump him.

He sounds dreadful. He would drive you crazy literally if you stayed with him. He's accusing you of having to walk on eggshells because he knows that's exactly how you feel.

I've had experience with this type of knob. He sounds overly competitive and not even very nice. All likely thinly veiled as 'banter' but likely masking a huge insecurity of hisb and deep rooted feelings of inadequacy. You could try a new approach of calling him out on it but I'd get rid and move on. Find someone who doesn't want to pick you apart and enjoys you as you are. Good luck.

He sounds like a nightmare. End it asap

This is my ex! I’m sure of it! Dump. Run for the hills.

he sounds awful. Please finish it.

He right about one thing. He is a dickhead.

leave.

You're not sensitive, you're sticking up for yourself. His responses to you sticking up for yourself are going to wear you down and eventually you'll stop responding the way you do 'to save an argument' or 'to not upset him'. The way you stand up for yourself shows that you're you're strong and confident, don't forget that.

If you want the relationship to work have a conversation about it - note that you don't need to change he does. It doesn't matter how good the good is if the bad is over shadowing it.

But if he doesn't change don't be afraid to walk away and delete his number.

Are you going out with my ex?!

He used to do the same: make digs or nasty comments, and if I stood up for myself or even calmly objected, he’d accuse me of being over sensitive or that he “couldn’t say anything to me”. If I explained that he can’t be unpleasant to me and expect me to take it, he’d get angry and say “I won’t be told I’m a bad person.” He would play the victim himself, but accuse me of playing the victim for objecting to his nasty comments.

I spent years making allowances for him, trying to adapt my behaviour, and explain how he was damaging the relationship. All my efforts fell on deaf ears - it was like he didn’t see a problem.

It made me on edge, lacking in confidence and miserable. It really changed me as a person.

And when I finally told him I was leaving, he admitted he’d known what he was doing and had been doing it on purpose all along! After all those years of denial!

Please don’t be me and waste years, or think you’re at fault. He knows what he’s doing, and he won’t change.

It’s a manipulation tactic. It’s about control. And he does it because he’s insecure and can only feel good by putting you down.

I’ve now got a wonderful, kind partner who makes me feel loved, secure and genuinely cares if he’s ever upset me. No drama, no upset, no bad moods, no digs, just 100% support and affection all the time. Get out and get something better!

He's using you to make him feel better about himself. Putting you down makes him feel good. This is not someone you should be in any kind of relationship with. Do yourself a favour and dump him today.

He’s gaslighting you. He says hurtful things then when you get upset YOURE the one apparently out of order annd YOUVE upset him then and need to apologise. Classic gaslighting. And all the while he’s chipping away at your self esteem with the nasty “jokes” Very manipulative. It only gets worse.

Yes, you should. This is not how a loving partner behaves. The fact he’s nice some of the time isn’t enough. And you’re in your honeymoon period - this is him at his best.

Yes you need to leave. Lots of red flags in there reminds me of my abusive ex. Common abuse tactics to say it was a joke when called out on mean comments. Common to turn it back so it's the victims fault as with those eggshells comments. Critical of appearance often progresses to control of your appearance. Get out of this relationship it's not good for you

I can vouch that this will only get worse, unfortunately my bar has been set far too low and I overlooked all of this behaviour, so ended up married to someone very similar.

Please end it with him now, you're worth far more than this.

Thank you everyone who has posted.

I seem to attract these types of people - someone will probably be along to say it's because I look for them, and you're likely right. One of my parents was always very narcissistic, so I think my picker is off.

The last one was more obvious - actually laughed when I got upset. He lasted approximately 10 seconds after our first disagreement.

But this one has been more insidious. He always seems so upset after we disagree, and it's so subtle - so much that I end up feeling sorry for him and wondering if I'm somehow abusive. I can see now that I'm not