Should I leave?

[sheetschanged]

Just need a bit of outsider perspective on this relationship.

Been with him 1 year. Recently been told he walks on eggshells around me.

I'll give a few examples of the scenarios when I shouldn't have 'argued' with him.

Same sports hobby - he's more experienced. I went a bit hard during a session after some time off, so was a bit sore. He held this over my head for a week, asking how sore I was every morning. Waxing lyrical about how he would've known better, this is what I should've done instead, etc. Same point over and over.

I set myself an optimistic goal in the hobby. Met with lots of sarcastic 'ha ha good luck' and laughing.

In both scenarios I eventually had enough and said 'please stop taking the piss. I'm just trying my best'. His response: 'ok. I will NEVER discuss x with you again'.

He 'ribs' me about things regularly. My car - it's old and has a tiny engine. My diet. Something about my appearance - funny from my best friend, who loves me regardless, but not from him. Little things about where I live - again funny from someone who grew up here also, but he's from a much more fortunate background. In the end I've pushed back about all of these things, just in a 'I don't think that's funny' kind of way. Met with 'ok yes I'm a dickhead. I'm ALWAYS wrong'.

I badly sprained my ankle and he seemed to find it so funny. In the end called me a 'bit of an idiot' because of the circumstances in which it happened - baring in mind I wasn't doing anything stupid at the time, I just slipped and it really bloody hurt.

He has an issue with me being a night owl. I WFH so don't need to be up early. After months of suggestions I am somehow lazy, I said 'your way of doing things isn't necessarily the right way. I work really hard and I'm good at my job. Me being up at 8:30 is fine when I start at 9. Please leave it'. Similar 'I'm obviously a dickhead' defensive response that I mentioned before.

The other day he damaged one of my (expensive) possessions - he did not blink. Just put it back. No 'ah shit I'm sorry'. I was annoyed (at lack of care/apology, not a human mistake) and raised it. His response was to make out I was annoyed at him making a mistake, and say this lovely day he had planned was 'ruined' by me 'arguing' with him.

This was when he told me he walks on eggshells around me, and I want to argue with him too much.

After all these apparent arguments I'm always the one who smooths things over. It feels like he criticizes, makes digs, causes offense to the point he's called out, and then cannot handle the feedback. In order to de-escalate I then end up comforting him, when he was the one who upset me.

Am I somehow in the wrong here, or do I need to leave?

Reminds me of my ex, who I excused because he had a shit upbringing with manipulative narcissistic parents, and I was brought up to believe men were all imperfect and as a woman it was my role to smooth the way and not make a fuss. He could criticise but couldn’t take any criticism himself, ever.

If you do find you repeat-select blokes like this I can recommend a little individual therapy - it’s transformational!

Please listen to all these wise ladies @sheetschanged .

My God OP he is horrendous.
Absolutely abusive and viciously competitive to boot.
Highly likely he broke that item on purpose.
Are you living with him?
If not get rid of him asap.

You need to learn to trust yourself.
In any relationship, start journalism, specifically any little incident that you feel the tiniest bit of confusion about. If you list them, you will very quickly see a pattern if there is one, and can get out very quickly.

This is a bad man.
Get the hell away asap.

He sounds exactly like my DH. Total narcissism, never in the wrong, never apologises. He's got a lot better since I started calling him out and refusing to back down, or simply tell him to fuck off. I also stopped giving a shit how he feels. And yes, both my parents were narcissists, so I was a perfect target.

We don't live together, so it's an easy split.

I just can't believe I haven't seen it before now. I've spent months second guessing how I raise things, whether I could perfect my tone of voice, walking away for a think to cool off first - it always escalated to an argument anyway.

I never say anything nasty and very rarely raise my voice. I really do seek to understand and solve things. I guess he has seen me coming

Don't feel too sad OP, you've posted here because you figured it out.
You deserve better

God honestly, sounds like my ex. Always put down for stuff that isn't your fault or for when you finally stand up for yourself you're the problem and he is walking on eggshells. I mean I've literally been put down for getting Covid and giving him it, and put down for a roof tile falling off and hitting my car -similar to you spraining your ankle, it's not exactly like you orchestrated it! You will always be wrong and saying he walks on eggshells is so that you won't bring anything up anymore and just let his shitty behaviour continue.

I really understand how hard it is to leave as they grind you down until you actually believe you are the problem. Really relate to the fact you don't want to argue but somehow the arguments are your fault so you'll spend all your time second guessing how not to cause an argument. Therapy helps but first of all I'd tell him to piss off. It's a lot harder the longer it goes on, trust me.

Funnily enough it was my car that he damaged - this is the possession I mentioned in my OP. Reversed into something - slight scratch.

But it was the response to it. Didn't even check to see if it was damaged. Just parked it, gave me back my keys, and skipped off upstairs to start our evening.

Then when I mentioned it, it was 'omg we are arguing AGAIN you're annoyed that I made a mistake. I was SO looking forward to seeing you. This is the straw that broke the camel's back. I am walking on eggshells'

He doesn’t like you and you need to dump him.

@sheetschanged ridiculous! I can imagine if you had reversed his car into something then he would be shouting at you about how stupid you are?! I mean he is just trying to manipulate you IMO but even looking at it with the benefit of doubt he's not treating you as an equal either. If I reversed my partners car I'd be offering to pay for it without a question and would expect them to bring it up to me if I hadn't noticed. You are not the problem at all.

You need to realise that he does NOT like you.
He is so deliberate in his his treatment of you.
To see EXACTLY how much bullshit you will swallow.
This is pure sport for him.
I bet he could barely keep a straight face telling you he was walking on eggshells!

Any man telling you that you are " too sensitive" for advocating for yourself is ABUSIVE.

TOO SENSITIVE is what abusers say to confuse YOU.

The gift of fear by Gavin de Becker is a good book to read to help you to learn to trust your gut.

Also "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft...is a great book for everyone to read. It is an eye opener for thousands of women.

Don't doubt yourself for a minute longer.

Update: I put all this to him, and he has 'called time'. He can't imagine what the next year will look like if he's already walking on eggshells to such an extent now, apparently.

Which again feeds into my worry that I am just really hard work. The rational part of my brain is saying it's because he knows I'm onto him... but I know this'll be in my head for a while

@sheetschanged he is expecting you to grovel and comfort him as he is used to this from previous arguments. He will then know he can continue this behaviour in future and you won't say anything to avoid him breaking up with you!
He crashed your car and then tried to blame you for ruining his lovely day he had planned? No! Why is it all your fault? Get angry and realise you deserve better than this. I'd tell him that's fine if that's how he feels and ignore. Guarantee he will be shocked that you aren't trying to fix things and will backtrack. He's really not worth it and he is manipulating you. 💐

Ignore him. He’s an abusive twat. It’s what they do. My abusive ex was convinced I was the abuser. Never mind that I was being so badly abused that the police and social services had to get involved. Like you, I questioned it! I thought I was the problem!

in a few weeks you will look back with clarity and be amazed you didn’t end it sooner. He knows his game is up.

Having been there many times I say please don't discuss with this idiot further.
He has and will continue to use your own thoughts against you.
The more he knows what you're thinking and feeling unsure about, the more accurate his abuse.
The women replying to you all understand how it haunts you and runs around in your thoughts. We have got free of it and you will too.

Yes, leave. I'm another one who's spent years trying every way of being under the sun. Realise now that no one who treats you like this even once is worth enduring.

Look up covert narcissistic abuse. I'm not saying he's a covert narcissistic, but this is the sort of tactic they employ - where THEY become the victim even though they are the ones who did something wrong. It's backfiring a little for him in this situation because while you are empathetic and willing to look at your own behaviour (very much the type of personality they target), you are not reacting at the level that anyone would consider truly problematic so his accusations don't make sense.

In many situations like your car example, the victim might react with extreme anger and frustration at the car being damaged and zero apology and may well shout/scream etc. The abuser then throws their hands up, "see, I can never do anything right and you're screaming and abusive towards me". The victim then things, "shit, I totally over reacted and behaved like a lunatic." This is often exacerbated because it's done perhaps where other people can see/hear and the abuser stands around looking downtrodden and sad.

In your case, your reactions aren't extreme enough so it's hard for you to truly believe you behaved badly. This is good.

This type of abuser also often uses sulking as a punishment/control technique (stops you ever criticising behaviour and/or prevents you from doing anything they don't like eg going out with girlfriends or choosing not to come over for a night or whatever).

I would 100% suggest that you explore these issues for yourself. At the very least, research gaslighting and coercive control and covert narcissistic behaviour. Or consider therapy. Because unfortunately this type of personality is attracted to personalities that will question themselves and the next one might be even better at it than this one.

Oh, and he isn't calling time. He'll be back. Don't let him.

Honestly I am just so sick of men already, and I am only 27! I am becoming so jaded.

I'm not close to perfect but I know I'm a good person with a lot to offer. I have good intentions, try to be reasonable/understanding, and it's like a beacon for these people. Left, right, and center people just trying to take kindness for weakness.

I'm going to seek therapy regarding my childhood and keep a diary next time I date, as suggested by PP's

Don't waste any more of your time with him. Him calling time on it can be permanent. He is a twat and not worth it. Have some therapy and have a break from relationships so perhaps with some time you start being able to choose better.

I have looked into this just now.

He definitely fits a lot of the criteria - obviously thinks he knows best in 100% of situations, subtle superiority complex, very critical but sensitive to being criticized himself.

I guess what I'm wondering now is whether the whole relationship was a deliberate bait and switch. All those times he went out of his way for me (and he really did, I will give him that much), was it out of genuine kindness or was it all just an act.

Honestly exact same as my ex and I spent so long analysing did he really love me, maybe he didn't mean to treat me badly etc. At the end of the day it doesn't matter if he did things out of genuine kindness, perhaps he did but he still isn't treating you how he should and sounds like he would only ever get worse.

OP it’s not your fault - he’s “called time” because you can see through him, not cos there’s anything wrong with you!

Nobody is horrible 100% of the time. I’m sure he has his good points/moments. But he is also abusive regularly. And that’s never OK.

You’ll meet someone new who genuinely likes you, and who you really get on with. And then you won’t have to worry about any of this shit!

Also in my experience men like this actually hate women. There are men out there who will like you and be nice to you.

Yep @bubblyr - because I know I'm not perfect and have some traumas of my own, I really do bend myself out of shape trying to understand others.

So unfortunately I can get stuck in this cycle of 'ok, this wasn't very nice from him but maybe he didn't mean it. His parent was very critical in childhood so it's not his fault. Should I leave him over something that's not his fault? Maybe I can do X to mitigate it'

What I've learned from this situation is that my empathy should be reserved for people who also have empathy for me

This is my opinion and it's certainly not scientific or whatever. But I have seen a fair number of people like this in real life and read about even more on MN. In the case of real narcissists or people with lots of genuinely narcissist tendencies, I do not believe it's on purpose. It's actually far more about having seriously disordered thinking so that they truly believe whatever rubbish it is they are spouting.

In fact, in many cases, I feel sorry for these people because what I have learned is that many narcissists (or narcissistic-like - obviously we can't diagnose from here), especially covert narcissists, find their lives getting worse and worse as they get older and they slowly but surely push away all the people in their life. And they genuinely don't udnerstand why/how.

Exhibit A: exBIL is a classic victim. His behaviour is appalling but he is ALWAYS the victim in his own mind. Dh and I refuse to accept his continued abuse and are NC with him. This is in part because of how he treated/treats SIL but also because of direct behaviour and comments to us (and our DC) that are, by any measure, completely unacceptable.

But, heres the weird part. 1. he does not believe that us being NC has anything to do with us but is entirely because we are terrible people.

What's even weirder is that he will tell people that he is very sad to have "lost" DH and me as family in the break up while simultaneously telling those same people what terrible people we are. We have had more than one friend/extended family member be extremely confused. In a similar weird disordered thinking moment, he once rang a friend of SIL's to scream expletive-ridden abuse down the phone at her because she did not invite him to her birthday party and then told SIL that he couldn't understand why, after he'd explained why she was wrong, she didn't issue an invite after all. It's so batshit it's almost not believable (which ironically, works in his favour - there were many instances when friends/family who weren't directly involved assumed the rest of us were exaggerating or even outright lying because it's so hard to believe).

Another example - he once locked SIL in a room and left the house. She had her phone and called DH. In the process of trying to get her out of the room, DH tried to contact exBIL. He sent Dh a stream of messages. The really scary part was not only that he thought his behaviour was completely justified, but that he was 100% confident that if he explained his thinking, DH would agree and would leave SIL in the room to complete her punishment.

No rational person thinks that. Many physically abusive men are fully aware that their abuse is not okay. They lie or try to minimise what they have done. They do not expect other family members to agree with them.

It takes a seriously disordered view of the world to behave this appallingly and genuinely believe it's okay.

So don't beat yourelf up for not seeing him as sly and dishonest and all the rest. I can assure you, he's telling everyone and himself that he was so good to you and you are just crazy. And he truly 100% believes it.