Should I leave?

[sheetschanged]

Just need a bit of outsider perspective on this relationship.

Been with him 1 year. Recently been told he walks on eggshells around me.

I'll give a few examples of the scenarios when I shouldn't have 'argued' with him.

Same sports hobby - he's more experienced. I went a bit hard during a session after some time off, so was a bit sore. He held this over my head for a week, asking how sore I was every morning. Waxing lyrical about how he would've known better, this is what I should've done instead, etc. Same point over and over.

I set myself an optimistic goal in the hobby. Met with lots of sarcastic 'ha ha good luck' and laughing.

In both scenarios I eventually had enough and said 'please stop taking the piss. I'm just trying my best'. His response: 'ok. I will NEVER discuss x with you again'.

He 'ribs' me about things regularly. My car - it's old and has a tiny engine. My diet. Something about my appearance - funny from my best friend, who loves me regardless, but not from him. Little things about where I live - again funny from someone who grew up here also, but he's from a much more fortunate background. In the end I've pushed back about all of these things, just in a 'I don't think that's funny' kind of way. Met with 'ok yes I'm a dickhead. I'm ALWAYS wrong'.

I badly sprained my ankle and he seemed to find it so funny. In the end called me a 'bit of an idiot' because of the circumstances in which it happened - baring in mind I wasn't doing anything stupid at the time, I just slipped and it really bloody hurt.

He has an issue with me being a night owl. I WFH so don't need to be up early. After months of suggestions I am somehow lazy, I said 'your way of doing things isn't necessarily the right way. I work really hard and I'm good at my job. Me being up at 8:30 is fine when I start at 9. Please leave it'. Similar 'I'm obviously a dickhead' defensive response that I mentioned before.

The other day he damaged one of my (expensive) possessions - he did not blink. Just put it back. No 'ah shit I'm sorry'. I was annoyed (at lack of care/apology, not a human mistake) and raised it. His response was to make out I was annoyed at him making a mistake, and say this lovely day he had planned was 'ruined' by me 'arguing' with him.

This was when he told me he walks on eggshells around me, and I want to argue with him too much.

After all these apparent arguments I'm always the one who smooths things over. It feels like he criticizes, makes digs, causes offense to the point he's called out, and then cannot handle the feedback. In order to de-escalate I then end up comforting him, when he was the one who upset me.

Am I somehow in the wrong here, or do I need to leave?

So unfortunately I can get stuck in this cycle of 'ok, this wasn't very nice from him but maybe he didn't mean it. His parent was very critical in childhood so it's not his fault. Should I leave him over something that's not his fault? Maybe I can do X to mitigate it'

I was so busy typing out my long winded answer I missed this post. But this is also pretty classic covert narcissistic behaviour. Incidentally, there's a lot of thinking that narcissism, particularly covert/vulnerable narcissism is the result of trauma in childhood and the child's brain does not continue to develop correctly as a result. But it lands up being another abuse tactic. "You can't push back becaues that just triggers me after my trauma".

Or "I do this because of my trauama". But where is the line? Why must the rest of us accept abusive behaviour because of his past trauma?

@GerbilsForever24 I think I share this view.

There have been plenty of occasions where he's been telling me about someone he knows and said 'she/he doesn't really like me. Not sure why'. I can think of about 2 people who I know dislike me - and I know exactly why.

Whereas he seems to think it's everyone else's problem. I don't think he fully knows how he comes across or how he keeps ending up in these broken situations

As he is nice some of the time, there are two ways of looking at this.

One he is a rude idiot who genuinely believes his shitty behaviour is acceptable and sees no reason to change - so you should end the relationship.

Or he deliberately says and does these things to mess with your mind, upset you then manipulate you into apologising. That is more likely as he isn’t an arsehole all the time and you should end the relationship.

I really hope you will end the relationship

I felt this this about a previous relationship but came to the conclusion that it just isn’t that cut and dry. I wasted 15 years of my life on the guy. There are still things that set me on edge because of what I was conditioned to feel as normal.

Absolutely. It can also become a problem with work. Especially if they're experiencing narcissistic collapse as a result of what's happening in their personal life - that carries over to work and they find they're asked to leave or sidelined or whatever. But they don't understand why. Over the long term, this can have a very negative impact on their career/earnings.

They also will, like children, reframe events and then truly come to believe them. So my child will start to tell me a story, and then exaggerate it or whatever, and very quickly he truly thinks that is the 100% truth. it can be exceedingly frustrating. But he's a child. We're working on this. When a grown man does the same it's mind boggling. Many years ago, in a genuine emergency situation where I had to rush DS to the hospital, I asked BIL (they were still married then) to please help me as everyone else was at work. He said no.

By later that night, he had reframed the entire thing as him being on stand by to help me all afternoon/evening and he'd had to rearrange his entire day as a result and then I had simply IGNORED him AND he had been so worried. The call I got from SIL by the time I finally got home from the hospital started not with a request for an update to check on us, but with her telling me how worried BIL had been because I wasn't answering my phone (he rang me 3 times, within 10 minutes, while we were in x ray....).

To this day, he is resentful that I was not more grateful and has been known to regale younger family members with the tale. DH said to me a few days after that it was a good thing I'd sent him a detailed message immediately after BIL had said no as even knowing BIL as we both did, the upset seemed so deep and so genuine, even he (DH) would have found it difficult to believe that he had actually refused to help me.

Onwards and upwards OP.
Don't be surprised if he gets in touch in a week or two saying he’s willing to give you another chance. These gaslighting controlling narc types like a good hoover down the line.
Block him on all possible forms of communication and move on.
Be single for a while and have fun with friends. Work out why you pick these types. Do you fall for love bombing for example? Do you ignore certain red flags? Negging? Having to tread on eggshells yourself?

💐

It sounds like your relationship has some significant issues, mainly around respect and communication. Your partner often criticizes you and makes sarcastic or belittling comments about your hobbies, goals, possessions, and lifestyle, which is really disrespectful. When you try to address these issues, he gets defensive and dismissive, often turning it around to make himself the victim. His lack of empathy, like laughing at your sprained ankle or not apologizing for damaging your possession, shows he doesn’t really care about your feelings. Plus, saying he "walks on eggshells" around you and accusing you of wanting to argue is a form of gaslighting, making you doubt your own reactions. It’s also concerning that you're always the one smoothing things over after arguments, which shows an imbalance in how conflicts are resolved. This kind of emotional manipulation can really wear you down. Relationships should be built on mutual respect and healthy communication, and it seems like these elements are missing. If your partner isn’t willing to change his behaviour, you might need to re-evaluate whether this relationship is right for you.

Yes, my DH does this. I've literally heard him say one thing one minute, then the complete reverse a minute later, then he will deny he ever said the first thing, and if I pin him down on that, he will then deny he ever denied it. I gradually came to realise that he operates like Big Brother in 1984, just rewriting events and history in real time so he's always in the right. He does this from small to big things, and simply memory holes anything inconvenient that might cast him in a bad light.

Well, I got to the end of the second para and give him points for acknowledging that he's a dickhead (even if he is being PA).

so much that I end up feeling sorry for him and wondering if I'm somehow abusive

No - you're not. He is, though. Probably a learned behaviour from growing up but he's old enough to knock it off and learn not to respond like that - if you see this having any sort of future.

Personally I wouldn't bother.

OP, I highly doubt you are being too sensitive and arguing all the time with him like he says.

I read your post and the more I read the more it felt like you were speaking about one of my exes.

He too did the "oh I must be an arsehole then" /"fine, it's all my fault, I'm just a shit head" routine when ever he felt I was critical of him.
I agreed with him once when he said this. That yes he was being an arsehole. He then threatened suicide whenever he felt criticised after that...
There is no reasoning with people like that. You simply end up walking on eggshell more and more so as not to upset them... Don't talk about anything that may upset them... Don't go anywhere that may upset them... Don't speak to anyone that may upset them... You see where I'm going, right?

It took me months of therapy to see how controlled my life had become because of him. Please don't fall into the same "trap" I did. Leave him and the thankful you saw and recognised the behaviour as quick as you did.

Thank you everyone.

I had been really struggling with this but I think I'll find it easy enough to let him go now. I've been doing a bit of reading and the general consensus of psychologists/experts is to just stay away - it's rare for someone like this to change.

I won't stay to bang my head against a brick wall for years. So even if he does return, he won't get a response

He's awful, he's gaslighting you to think it's your problem but it really isn't. Dump him now before he grinds you down completely

Then when I mentioned it, it was 'omg we are arguing AGAIN you're annoyed that I made a mistake. I was SO looking forward to seeing you. This is the straw that broke the camel's back. I am walking on eggshells'

He is gaslighting and conditioning you into staying silent and not bring up any issues to avoid conflict, making you feel like you are always causing arguments.
A normal person would never have behaved like this, but taken responsibility for damage / upset he caused, even if it was an accident.

Run. I overlooked plenty of red flags and remained silent because I felt uncomfortable bringing things up and stand up for myself.

I'm glad to read that this relationship is over, I wish I'd had your insight at the age of 27! I think you're going to be fine, knowing your worth is such a solid start.

Some great posts... @GerbilsForever24 how absolutely batshit is he!
What is terrifying is how I can absolutely imagine how someone that deranged would decimate YOUR mental health.

He is dangerous. I believe you haven't heard the last from him. As posters wrote, there is every likelihood that he will be back wanting to give you another chance.
Don't engage in any way.
He is batshit.
Do not hesitate to involve the police if he won't accept NO.

Read "Why does he do that?"...it will arme you.
Ever woman should read it.
Never ever stay with a man whose behaviour you need to excuse or try to fix.
Men are not projects to waste your life accomadating.
Take time and space.
Do some reading.
Look at the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
Learn to trust yourself and your gut.

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to comment

Don't worry, I won't be going back. Like you all say, it would probably only get worse if this is all in the first year. Shudder to think of the amount of criticism if we lived together / had a baby. He would end up under the patio!

Leave. He's probably complaining to everyone around him / making himself the victim in front of everyone 🙄 thats the trap..human nature.. we hear we're the bad guys in the relationship and then we start to proove and give more and more to show we're actually so nice , its not true what he says, and we stay and proove and it continues endlessly while completely being used and manipulated... just leave while you can

I just want to thank you for posting this story because it’s EXACTLY the kind of thing that my ex used to do and it’s so hare to explain to people.

I ended up telling people I divorced him because of the cheating ( which he also did ). But I was actually more hurt and driven crazy by this type of constant lying and gas lightning about everything.