How do I deal with my resentment towards my mother?

[BigPandaTinyDragon]

My mother has had a difficult life, I’m not without sympathy but she is not an easy person to like or deal with. She thinks we are very close and that she’s been a wonderful parent but I’m full of resentment for how her choices have impacted us and the way she has relied on me emotionally over the years. She refuses to take any responsibility and just casts herself as the victim.

She is getting older now and her partner’s health isn’t good, she has few friends and is inevitably going to be on her own before long. I know what she will expect from me in terms of care and support and I just can’t do it - I don’t live nearby, I’m a single parent trying to build a new relationship of my own with a very full-on job. More importantly I don’t want to.

It’s starting to cause me real problems and impact my own life. It feels like a giant millstone and I have no idea how I’m going to cope.I can’t talk to her because she will just give me the hurt bunny routine but she’s not the fragile old lady she makes out to be, she is very hard and manipulative when she chooses - my dd who has studied psychology says she is the classic narcissist although I know that word is over-used.

I need to find a way to navigate the years to come because at the moment I have no idea how I will cope. I’m thinking of going to counselling but I also need practical strategies - boundaries don’t work with her but something has got to.

You just keep saying no. You give an inch she’ll take a mile, believe me, I’ve been there. Don’t get into any type of routine of visiting or ringing, keep it casual.

Yes keep your boundaries. I’ve also been there, self obsessed DM decided to go and live abroad with husband 3. Not a backward look to me, DGS or family.
of course when he unexpectedly died, she expected me to drop everything and become doting daughter. Past emotional neglect enabled me to say no, she accused me of heartlessness and recounted all the things she’d done for me, all fiction of course, but probably reality in her eyes.
She made no contact again, but I heard through other relatives that she had a ‘lovely’ support network of friends. I suspect she died quite lonely. But my sanity and family came first.

Your responsibilities stop at your dc and your own wellbeing.. You don't owe her anything.. Send her links to outside help for her requests.. Gardener /cleaner /online shopping.. She can set up Amazon /ebay. Most supermarkets do home delivery... Remind yourself your time is precious.. And your sanity.

I too studied phycology and at no point was there ever a module on narcissism.
How strange that your dd would study psychology and then diagnose her family with a personality disorders.

@yogibear31 she didn’t specifically study that, I was paraphrasing so as not to be outing but the gist of it stands

You need to stick to the boundaries. If they don't work then you need to follow through with consequences. And yes, the consequence might be "I can't see you/help you any more if you behave like that".

You are not obliged to help or support your mother. The fact you feel guilty is probably due to your mother manipulating your emotions. If she won't have a serious conversation without manipulation then maybe try writing it in a letter? Or simply walking away until she is prepared to engage.

You had a difficult life at her hands. She may well have had a difficult life also but she had a choice when it came to you and she chose to inflict similar as what was done to her. Her difficult life is really no excuse or justification for what she did. Like many such inadequate or toxic parents, she has never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions.

I would not write to her because a letter, no matter how carefully worded, could be seen as an attack on her and she will act accordingly. You are under no obligation to do anything for or re her going forward. Your family unit and you come first.

You do not owe her anything, let alone a relationship and its not possible to have a relationship with someone this disordered of thinking anyway.

The narcissism thing is a red herring, there are a tonne of very codependent, emotionally immature adults in the world who behave as your mother does. Narcissism and a mishandling of shame is merely the extreme version of how this plays out.

Emotionally immature people rarely self reflect and are often egotistical and they rarely change so you have to change how you show up in the relationship with them. Just realise fully the nature of relationships she is capable of. She is self absorbed and lacks independence. She will look to you to meet her needs and she will manipulate you to prioritise her over yourself.

Don’t give her the opportunity to share her emotions a lot, stay out of her inner world. If she starts talking about how she is feeling turn the conversation to more surface topics. You are not her parent, you are not her therapist, you don’t have this responsibility towards her, she does.

She will bemoan the lack of minding she is getting but that is down to her own behaviour which she is responsible for. You just carry on. Practice makes better.

The more you do OP, the more your resentment will grow. You don’t owe her anything, so the absolute minimum is fine. Once you set up a pattern of help it is harder to change it than not to do it at all.

The thing about asserting boundaries is that one person will be unhappy with them. Either you or your mother. The point is to say to yourself it’s not going to be me! Choose yourself over her in effect. She will get used to new boundaries eventually, and if she doesn’t,
well that's her problem not yours. Use pressure if work/health/other responsibilities as reasons to cut back. Find a level of contact that is acceptable to you - and stick to it. On a practical level do things like getting two phones so you only see her calls occasionally. If she needs any practical assistance always suggest sources outside - GP, nurse, social services, tradesmen, etc. Many elderly people survive without any family help in this way.

I know what she will expect from me in terms of care and support - what she expects and what she gets are two different things and I think you have to keep this firmly at the forefront of your mind.

This has been building for a while but this weekend is a classic example - there’s been a terrible family event and in the midst of everything she’s chosen now to tell me something very disturbing about her relationship with a different family member which I had suspected but didn’t know for sure.

Her ability to make a situation about her is staggering but I don’t know what to do because she just can’t see it.

She clearly needs help and after I suggested counselling a while back she did have some sessions and now thinks she is fine 🤦🏻

Don’t give her the opportunity to share her emotions a lot, stay out of her inner world

I agree with this. Keep conversation topics light. Conversations short so they don’t meander into personal territory. I find things like the weather, what they did today, their medical issues or appointments, etc is enough.

That is exactly what I am talking about. It is your choice to stay in a conversation where she is talking about herself. Anyone with a person like this in their lives will have a million similar stories. Make a new choice to get out of these conversations. It is a choice. You obey the social rules of not being rude. Toxic people have no such compunctions about obeying any social contract that doesn’t put their needs first. Become aware of the part you are playing in it and stop playing the part.

Both DH and I come from family’s with parents with significant emotional immaturity and codependency. I am NC with mine but with DH’s we have excuses to get out of every type of conversation relatively politely.

Sorry I just have to get something,

I am actually tied up then (never give an explanation for what tied up actually means)

The kids have something on (again no meat on the bones)

I’ll have to get back to you on that.

I think the kettle is bubbling over.

I need a pee.

Therapy often makes them worse. It often doesn’t help.

I can’t do it though - as soon as I know she wants me I have to find out what now and then the floodgates are open 🤦🏻

She has trained you to do that. It is you who has to do therapy focused on in training yourself to react this way. She is not going to change, the question for you is are you going to change?

It is incredibly difficult I have been there. My mother had me like a puppet on a string. I had to go NC to have any semblance of boundaries with her.

She’s not going to change op. So you have to. Set boundaries and stick to them.

You obey the social rules of not being rude. Toxic people have no such compunctions about obeying any social contract that doesn’t put their needs first

Very true.

The ruder and more demanding they are, the more you back off, share less, slow down. Invoke the law of natural consequences. If it’s too hard (and it can be hard, years of ingrained training and expectations) if you can afford it perhaps get a counsellor or therapist to hold your hand/support you through this for the next 6 months/year? If you can’t afford a therapist or counsellor you will simply have to become your own biggest advocate….

Thank you, I’m going to look into therapy through my job - tbh I don’t feel like going through it all but I’m unsure how else to move forward

You have to stick to your boundaries very firmly. You are being set up and soon your life won't be your own.

I went NC finally with my now dead DM after it dawned on me that nothing I did was good enough because it was all about her. Every single waking thought was about her and what she could get. She treated herself like a child and I was conditioned to be the parent and I'd had enough.

I don't buy the difficult life thing. We've had difficult lives and we are not visiting that on our DCs or others. You choose what you do. My DM was absolutely adored and she was the most ungrateful, spiteful, selfish and self absorbed person I have ever known.

Omg I could have written this . You have my sympathy from another with the same type of mother

Yes its hard have it too take take take. I put boundaries in its still hard. What age? Mine 80s

The irony is that I also experienced a lot of the things that have made her life difficult but she will never acknowledge the effect on me, only on her. I spend my life trying not to do the same to my daughter - we are close but I will never lean on her like my Mum has.

She is also 80s.

Sorry you have a similar relationship to me with your mother OP and others. I can’t go no contact I have tried and failed to do this over the years. I think the sooner you start drawing a line in the sand the easier it will be. Definitely don’t get into any habits with regards to visiting patterns on a particular day or calling at a particular day or time as that will be much harder to make a break from. Just phone or call whenever is convenient.

I have always wanted a loving relationship with my mum. I have tried to show her this in many ways over the years and each time I foolishly expected a different outcome and to feel loved (but love is saved for my brother, my sister, my niece and my great niece but not for me). I have been rejected and rebuffed many times in many different ways. My mum lives locally and now I visit or call when I can and much less than I did. I can’t help feeling guilty as this was the way she raised me. But I feel better having some sort of control and accepting the fact that I will never have the loving relationship I have always craved from her so I focus on my own family and putting them first. Mine has no friends. If I say I have met a friend for coffee or gone to the cinema then she makes a sarcastic comment. I work part time but she thinks that if I am not working I should be spending time with her but she doesn’t appreciate it and she has enough family members bending over backwards for her that I am surplus to requirements.

I have stopped contact with my Mum. Almost 2 years now. Every interaction was negative. Silly example, I got Invisalign braces and when I showed her the results she squinted and said oh you'll end up with a gap. After her not taking me for dental treatment when I was young and it was free. Is that what you are wearing? Why do you want to do that etc etc over and over. I had to stop it. If she was a friend she would be gone years ago.

It's painful and hard but I need the boundary and I am in a better place now.

Look into transactional analysis.
I have found it useful for framing interactions with this type of person. As with my own mother.
I am currently trying to develop it as way of dealing with a difficult colleague.

I'm diagnosing something here. Hmm, I think pointless unkindness.