How do I deal with my resentment towards my mother?

[BigPandaTinyDragon]

My mother has had a difficult life, I’m not without sympathy but she is not an easy person to like or deal with. She thinks we are very close and that she’s been a wonderful parent but I’m full of resentment for how her choices have impacted us and the way she has relied on me emotionally over the years. She refuses to take any responsibility and just casts herself as the victim.

She is getting older now and her partner’s health isn’t good, she has few friends and is inevitably going to be on her own before long. I know what she will expect from me in terms of care and support and I just can’t do it - I don’t live nearby, I’m a single parent trying to build a new relationship of my own with a very full-on job. More importantly I don’t want to.

It’s starting to cause me real problems and impact my own life. It feels like a giant millstone and I have no idea how I’m going to cope.I can’t talk to her because she will just give me the hurt bunny routine but she’s not the fragile old lady she makes out to be, she is very hard and manipulative when she chooses - my dd who has studied psychology says she is the classic narcissist although I know that word is over-used.

I need to find a way to navigate the years to come because at the moment I have no idea how I will cope. I’m thinking of going to counselling but I also need practical strategies - boundaries don’t work with her but something has got to.

Suggest carers, help her arrange them. Help to arrange the support she needs. Clarify what you will do, and help her get help with the others.

Hard if she won't accept it but you need a frank conversation, perhaps with a third party present to keep the peace.

My mother laughed about my abusive marriage in front of mil. mil was horrified. It's so funny your daughter was emotionally and financially abused and had to bring a child up alone. Hilarious.

I was completely incapable of maintaining low contact/high boundaries with my mother; the few times I tried she would ratchet up her behaviour to the point I couldn't ignore her, so I would relent. Myriad health problems, wider family relationship issues where I was caught in the middle or used as a flying monkey, etc etc. I was trained from very young to be highly sensitive and responsive to her moods - you can't undo that training without a lot of effort.

My scales finally, finally fell after I left my ex when he hit me. She ended up on his side, lied about me to social workers to make me look bad in family court, tried to get me fired, etc. My working theory is that she herself is in an abusive relationship (not my father) and couldn't face the fact that I was standing up for myself, leaving the ex, being an independent and confident single woman, etc. I wasn't acting like the daughter she thought I should be, and it infuriated her.

I went no contact after I was subjected to an absolute frenzy of nasty behaviour and threats, which didn't stop for years after, in one way or another. She colluded with my ex to gain access to my children after family court was done, telling them lies about why I don't talk to her anymore. Luckily they were old enough to recognise something was off, and didn't get sucked in.

She pops up now and again, either through the teen/young adult dc, or will use a different number to call me (I keep blocking them) around the time of her birthday or Christmas. I don't speak to her, I don't respond to her efforts to cause drama - don't feed the drama llama! Grey rock is the way to go with this sort of person.

It's amazing I'm not more screwed up than I am really.

It's perfectly possible to read around the subject if you're interested in it & self-motivated. I discovered all sorts of amazing stuff in the university library stacks (no internet in those days).

She didn’t say she studied your course with you! You might not have done a module on it but her daughter may very well have covered narcissism within her course. Honestly what a stupid and unhelpful comment

Wow, you could be talking about my Mum.
I had to go NC and I’ve felt so better since, it’s been almost a year.

She wouldn’t accept any boundaries, always put on me, always made me feel guilty, always sulked when she couldn’t get her own way.

I’m an only child aswell so it felt like I was the only one she had. She babies her husband and won’t ask him to do anything, she’d ask me instead and get offended when I said no. I’ve helped her so much over the years and it just got too much.
Honestly, going NC is the best thing I could have done, I wish I’d done it sooner. Personally I think she has bipolar, but will she get help from the GP?No, she just abuses her medication and spits venom when it suits her.

I totally resent what she put me through in my late teens, and it’s something I can never get over. The situation I was in I wouldn’t dream of doing to my own children. She blames everyone else for her actions back then, everyone suffered, and she did too, but it was all on her and her husband.

I do love her, she’s my Mum, but I don’t like the person she has become.

Boundaries do work, you just have to follow through on them. For example my alcoholic father will start trash taking my sister and I'll say "I need you to stop taking about her that way." If he continues I tell him "ok you keep talking about my sister in a way that upsets me so I'm going to leave/hang up." Then if he continues I follow through "ok Dad. I love you. I'll talk to you later" and I leave/hang up. I have gone completely no contact with him for months at a time and then low contact while I assessed if he could respect my boundaries. The thing with boundaries is you have to be willing to lose the person all together. The boundary is for you not the other person. If the other person continues to disrespect your boundaries then you place distance.

If you don't know how to set and follow through on boundaries then therapy can be extremely helpful.

Yet somehow good spelling and grammar was not a requirement of your course…..🤔
Narcissism is not a personality disorder- Narcissistic Personality Disorder is and it’s mentioned, erm, nowhere in the post……

As a fellow victim of upbringing by an emotionally immature mother, I'd recommend the book "adult children of emotionally immature parents".
I reached 32 and a crisis in my relationship before I accepted the huge negative impact she has had on the type of person I had become. Just having that insight has helped me draw boundaries with my mum while also seeing her regularly and having a fairly good, if a bit superficial, relationship.

I have never wanted to scream something as loudly as what I’m about to say:

1000000% go to therapy!!! But a qualified psychotherapist - ideally one who specialises in early childhood trauma. I have had CBT before which was great but didn’t help with this.

I could have written this post myself, I had 7 months of therapy last year and have come a long way, but there is so much more I could benefit from but funds don’t stretch at the min, I will be going back though. I promise you if you can make it work financially your entire world will open up with professional help/a specialist on this issue. So many people don’t understand it, and if you’re anything like me it will be more alienating that nobody gets it. I promise there is a resolution - it isn’t necessarily that your relationship with her will improve but rather YOU and your feelings toward her/ the way you handle situations etc. will improve! Good luck!

Also this book: Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
https://amzn.eu/d/2C8hZwP — it may not necessarily fit all of your circumstances/experiences or your relationship with her, but it is enlightening and I bet there’ll be something relatable in there!

I could have written this about my mum OP.

On one hand I've completely emotionally detached from her - she knows nothing about my current health issues, my dating situation or my house renovations. Surface level idle chit chat about the weather and how busy/quiet work is, or maybe something I've already done (and enjoyed - she can't take that away from me then).

On the other hand, I'm concerned about her and I've no idea how to address that. Or even if I should. I feel like she's making these choices intentionally to be selfish and manipulative and attention-seeking. She wants someone to be at her beck and call to run around after her and pander to her whims, while she disdainfully barks out orders on how other people, including me, should live their lives and we should all be running our decisions by her first for approval and the final word. If we don't, she has a sulk. If we call her out on it, she plays the victim. Do as she says, not as she does.

It's hard. I'm quite low contact with her and no longer enjoy going to see her or phoning her. I inwardly grimace when I get a text off her. It shouldn't be like this but she's not going to change (I think she'll get worse as she gets older) which means I'm finding it hard to like her as a person, even though I love her because she's my mother.

I'd move

I fear I might end up in this situation if my Dad dies. I think you just keep saying no. Limit contact

My relationship with my mother is very similar. I am planning to move away soon. I feel a lot of guilt but I’ve got to the stage that I just can’t be in the same room as her anymore.

Lots of helpful advice here but just thought I’d comment with something that I was told years ago and I find helpful - “worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe”. You’re expecting the worst and trying to prepare which I totally get. But don’t make yourself ill worrying about something that hasn’t yet and may not materialise. Good luck OP

Doubt you did considering you can’t spell it. What a silly uncalled for comment.

Don't you think yours is aswell. Enough already has been posted on yogis post