How do I deal with my resentment towards my mother?

[BigPandaTinyDragon]

My mother has had a difficult life, I’m not without sympathy but she is not an easy person to like or deal with. She thinks we are very close and that she’s been a wonderful parent but I’m full of resentment for how her choices have impacted us and the way she has relied on me emotionally over the years. She refuses to take any responsibility and just casts herself as the victim.

She is getting older now and her partner’s health isn’t good, she has few friends and is inevitably going to be on her own before long. I know what she will expect from me in terms of care and support and I just can’t do it - I don’t live nearby, I’m a single parent trying to build a new relationship of my own with a very full-on job. More importantly I don’t want to.

It’s starting to cause me real problems and impact my own life. It feels like a giant millstone and I have no idea how I’m going to cope.I can’t talk to her because she will just give me the hurt bunny routine but she’s not the fragile old lady she makes out to be, she is very hard and manipulative when she chooses - my dd who has studied psychology says she is the classic narcissist although I know that word is over-used.

I need to find a way to navigate the years to come because at the moment I have no idea how I will cope. I’m thinking of going to counselling but I also need practical strategies - boundaries don’t work with her but something has got to.

My MIL had a good relationship with her DM as far as I can tell - got her into sheltered housing near them and either she or my DH visited every day - but she told me that if she had to change any arrangement eg not have her to Sunday lunch as they were going out with friends - very occasionally- her DM would subtly guilt trip her. Nothing would be said about missing that Sunday, but she’d start talking about how she wanted to go somewhere or X’s daughter had taken her mum somewhere- and my MIL says she knew she was being ‘punished’ for not having her that Sunday. So it can happen even when people have a generally good relationship with their mothers.

@Hameth sorry I don’t know what you mean, are you saying my daughter is being unkind? She just made an observation but it does feel relevant. She’s the nicest most forgiving person but she has seen a lot of my mothers manipulative behaviour.

I think Hameth was suggesting the poster who took delight in pointing out that your daughter couldn't have studied narcissism was being pointlessly unkind. Not your daughter.

Oh yes sorry I think I read it wrong - a bit over sensitive 😳🤦🏻

Not your daughter. Apologies for confusion

So sorry you're going through this with your mum. Mine is similar. Throughout my childhood she was disparaging, made her preference for boys over girls explicitly known (I have a brother) literally stating things like "little boys are lovely, but girls can be little bitches", was physically abusive etc etc. Stopped speaking to me for a while to try coerce me into doing what she wanted in my early twenties (if she did that now I would just remain NC but as a young woman, tried frantically to gain her approval). To hear her now you'd think she'd been Mary Poppins while I was growing up. She's almost 90 and I can't go NC now. I do keep to once a week calls but made the mistake of tending to ring on a specific day and now if I've other arrangements she behaves very hurt if my call is a day or two later - so if I were you I'd keep it random. It's very difficult living with this type of relationship OP but remember the problem is her, not you.

Hi all,

My mum is also unnecessarily unkind, and this experience and my challenging health journey is impacting my desire to start a family.

She told me that she didn't want the responsibility, if I had cancer when I found a lump on my breast (not cancer, just fat). She continued to make me feel like a burden over the last 10 years as I have an overactive immune system, and said it's fine, if I died early. I experienced unbearable pain, anger and felt lost.

I reached my crisis point and went to counselling, blocked her on everything and I've just chosen not to deal with her. My brother has done the same but he isn't as independent as I am but my dad continues to complain about his marriage but never leaves. - Again, I'm prioritising myself because I can't keep mothering all three of them, when I need to take care of myself.

Thank you for your support, but I've made it very clear that I don't want any caring responsibilities for her as she gets older. She can figure that out herself, just as I've navigated through a difficult chapter by myself. Also, the physical abuse that we've both experienced, for me, has become a cut off point. Unfortunately, I just can't forgive her anymore, it's physically and emotionally impossible for me. - As she said to my dad, "let her struggle."

I sense your distaste for my mum, but for so long, I suffered from self-blame and it ate me up. I've finally been able to move on emotionally but I can't seem to let anyone in to my life anymore. Distance seems to be key, at this stage.

I've come to the conclusion my mother didn't want kids so should have bothered. However I'm here and going to make sure I have a happy life. Grey rock her.

Exactly, funny how they love the child benefits though 😅

Yes my mum often used to tell me I was a mistake as they got caught out and I ruined her life. Not sure about my middle sibling but my youngest was also a mistake.

She makes out she is this lovely caring loving doting mother, grandmother and now great grandmother but she is quietly manipulating, guilt tripping and play everyone off against each other and she can be quite cutting when she wants to be to ensure she has visitors and people running around after her.

I don’t think my mum is quite like some of these, they sound awful. On the surface she seems ok although she does fall out with most people at some point. I just find her quite manipulative and often without empathy, shes always the victim and everything is about her. I don’t know if I love her but I don’t like her very much - I will find it hard to know what to say at her funeral (as I will no doubt be expected to one day) as I don’t feel she has been the mum she thinks she is.

You could get ChatGPT to write the funeral speech - even tell it that you had a difficult relationship. You could make it a lot about her history, her hobbies and other fun facts etc without making it too personal or about your relationship, which is private and personal to you.

Classic Mumsnet though. Someone was bound to find a reason to throw shade on what the OP was saying, they always do.

There is no such thing as duty. People who seek to use guilt as a means to get others to ‘do their duty’ are not people you want to have in your life to any great extent. We spend time with people and put ourselves out because we like them and are happy to, it shouldn’t be because we ought to/feel bad if we don’t. Put yourself first. Be kind to yourself. Give her what you’re prepared to give, and that may be nothing at all.

Look don’t sweat the small stuff. She’s in her 80s so likely grew up with dysfunctionality due to the era alone

You cannot change her but you can change your reaction to her. Get help to do that from a professional

We all like to think we have been good mothers. So she isn’t alone in that.

If she is malicious, abusive and unpleasant just don’t answer the phone

My dad was like this. He did have a ton of health problems but tbf a lot of them were self-inflicted, as he was a prescription drug addict (he was a doctor so self-prescribing). On such a weird cocktail of drugs at the end of his life that when he went into hospital, the doctors there didn't know how to treat him. But that was really all he talked about, his hard life, and everything else was someone else's fault. It was my fault I didn't really have a relationship with him, for example, even though I was 5 years old when him and my mum split up, and he never paid a penny in child maintenance, or made much effort to see me. Shortly before he died, he was threatening to divorce my poor stepmum, who'd been caring for him, and reduced to a shell of herself in the process. The funeral was very odd as he wasn't exactly loved, even by his own kids. In fact, especially them, really. My brother did a eulogy and everyone was really tense as they'd had a very bad relationship, but it was surprisingly mild.

I don't have any advice, really, as it's just so disappointing and hurtful when your parents are, basically, a bit shit. More than a bit shit really. Just sending sympathy.

Boundaries do work, when you are consistent with them. By all means It is very hard for you to put them in when your mum is very good I can bet at making you feel very guilty for having those boundaries. But they can work with a lot of persistence and an understanding that having boundaries does not make you selfish.... As I am sure she will start to say .... But is actually selfless and is protecting you.
Your partner is probably not far off with a mental health issue with your mum, she possibly has some personality disorder as opposed to narcissism. But ultimately what this is about is protecting you and your safe space.
She has an inability to take responsibility ultimately and finds that it is easier to play the victim in her life, rather than say my life is the way it is because of the choices I have made.

I think for you, it's definitely a good start to go to counselling to get that support in working through your own resentment towards your mum and how you can get some peace with that, as this may well make it easier to cope with her.
I think in the meantime you could start with when you will see your mum and not deviate from those day/s.
When you will contact her by phone ect and again not deviate from these days, switch your phone off and allocate yourself time to focus on any messages she sends you, but don't look at it throughout the day. If the messages are too much to deal with focus on her last and delete the rest.
You are in control of what parts of you and your life she has access too. Not her.

I think you are causing yourself a lot of worry and anxiety about a situation that actually hasn't happened yet and as with this type of predicting what might happen scenario... We always predict it to be the worst, and it fills us with dread ect and makes us feel rubbish now. When actually it's not happened. If you do start to do this bring yourself back to the now and focus on the positives of now and how things are going good now, because you are missing out on the good with your child and partner by getting caught up in something that hasn't even happened yet, be gentle with yourself. Ultimately you are giving your mum control of your happiness now and she's not even doing anything.

If you can see that your mum may try to become more dependant on you, you can see it that's great. So that means you can start being clear that you are her daughter not her carer or her best friend. You have a family of your own and a career of your own to deal with.

It's encouraging your mum to do it for herself and not feeling guilted into doing it for her, that's not your job.
Your counsellor will also help you navigate when this day if ever it does come.

It must have been hard growing up and now being a mum yourself having a mum not be the best parent, and I am truly sorry that this is your experience.
There is a book called I am glad my mum is dead that's really good and can be helpful, anything to do with Gabor mat'e is also a good start.

Remember you are in control of what she has access to of you and your life, not her.

I hope this is of some help and not just waffling and I hope it has not offended in anyway.
Best of luck

@Kay130821 not waffle at all, that’s extremely wise and helpful, thank you

Lovely glad it's of some help! Look after yourself 😊

A very helpful expression I read on here was 'to drop your end of the rope'. It enabled me to go VLC (occasional email only) with my mother, who is very like yours. I've never been happier in my life - it absolutely was a millstone of her needs (practical/psychological/emotional) around my neck. You can drop the rope, too.

You can not change her. You can only change you and the way you respond and relate to her. I also have a mother who is extremely emotionally immature which plays out in emotional egocentricity, I'm an extension of her, highly sensitive any perceived criticism and unable to regulate her emotions etc. I have put in really strong boundaries now which have made a big difference for me. I stopped calling her, I have gone quite low contact, seeing her mainly when I have support (my DH, my DB etc) who can run interference as necessary. I stopped getting drawn into her emotional world, I used to get so many emotional manipulative messages - I just stopped responding to them and over time she has stopped sending them as she doesn't get the response. I am very light touch with her, have a what's app group with her and my brother but I keep it all very surface, sharing wordle scores etc. I now share very little about me and my life (not that she ever asks!). I am now in counselling and working through the fall out of this in terms of both the loss of the parent I wanted and the choices I make in my own life, I am working hard (very much early doors) on trying to address my expectations of my parents and also my expectations on myself and feelings of guilt that arise. Anyway, that was a very long winded way of saying from experience focus on you not on her!

Exactly this! Sorry had to comment! you sound like you are doing amazing! (I hope that doesn't come across as patronising)
Protect your safe space, not about her it's about you! ❤️