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Original poster

Asperger BF won't tell me he loves me

71 replies

Nursenicole911 · 08/06/2024 18:03

I have been with my BF for 19 months. He is a wonderful person and we have a good relationship, however , he hasn't told me he loves me but invites me over every weekend and we spend about 4 days a week at his TH. We are both in our 50's. He has never been married no kids, works as a software engineer remotely . He's very sweet but has only told me that he loves me in his sleep about a year a

I have needs and every time I try to bring it up he gets defensive and shuts down. Is there anything I can do other than seek counseling?

OP posts:
TooPreciousToDoIt · 08/06/2024 18:08

Maybe stop bringing it up? No one should feel pressured into saying this. You either need to accept he has feelings for you he can’t, or won’t, express or that he doesn’t have feelings for you. You need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you, but stop trying to force him to say it.

Tulipshaped · 08/06/2024 18:09

Ah, stop nagging him. Why are you pushing for more that he's comfortable giving?

People with Aspergers have difficulty with social communication.
Couldn't you accept him as he is if you've a good relationship otherwise?

Mabelface · 08/06/2024 18:10

Words are cheap, demonstrating that love is way more important. I'm autistic and I don't like saying it. Doesn't mean I don't feel it though.

BCBird · 08/06/2024 18:12

It may not be something he will never feel comfortable saying to anyone. You need to decide if u can accept this or not. Presumably he does care about u from the way u describe him.

StopStartStop · 08/06/2024 18:12

Perhaps he doesn't. It seems he doesn't want to say so. Accept that or move on. Have you explained your 'needs' clearly and simply for him? He won't know unless you tell him.

GardenGnomeDefender · 08/06/2024 18:12

I think if he doesn't love you after this long or won't say it maybe it's time to mention to him how you feel about it and ask him how he feels.

If he doesn't feel that way about you then it may be time to move on.

Autumcolors · 08/06/2024 18:13

Could you try being very direct ?
“Boyfriend I know you love me. I feel more secure when I hear it. I would like you to tell once a week you love me. If it helps pick a set day and time”

somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · 08/06/2024 18:17

Does he act like he loves you? Does he show it in other ways? If so, I'd that enough?

Babbahabba · 08/06/2024 18:47

Ask him if he loves you and explain it's important for you to hear it.

BananaLambo · 09/06/2024 04:59

Maybe he doesn’t want to tell you he loves you because he doesn’t love you?

Jazzicatz · 09/06/2024 05:06

Tulipshaped · 08/06/2024 18:09

Ah, stop nagging him. Why are you pushing for more that he's comfortable giving?

People with Aspergers have difficulty with social communication.
Couldn't you accept him as he is if you've a good relationship otherwise?

Maybe because the OP has needs too. Their relationship is not just about the boyfriend and his needs but rather them both as a couple.

Jazzicatz · 09/06/2024 05:15

Nursenicole911 · 08/06/2024 18:03

I have been with my BF for 19 months. He is a wonderful person and we have a good relationship, however , he hasn't told me he loves me but invites me over every weekend and we spend about 4 days a week at his TH. We are both in our 50's. He has never been married no kids, works as a software engineer remotely . He's very sweet but has only told me that he loves me in his sleep about a year a

I have needs and every time I try to bring it up he gets defensive and shuts down. Is there anything I can do other than seek counseling?

My partner is autistic and never tells me he loves me, but he does demonstrate it through his actions. We have been together for 10 years and it’s not always easy, but I have never doubted he loves me, although he never says it. If this is really important to you then directly tell him how you feel and what you would like him to do, but then leave it and see how he responds. Being direct works best with my partner but he hates talking about ‘feelings’ and I see him get very agitated and anxious, so don’t push for an immediate response.

Psychoticbreak · 09/06/2024 13:14

I have asd and no issues telling people I love them.

Did you not post this the other day OP? If he doesnt tell you he loves you it is most probably because he does not.

Fortheloveof83 · 09/06/2024 13:25

I’ve been with my ND partner 4 years and have a toddler together, those words have never passed his slipped towards me or toddler.

BeaRF75 · 09/06/2024 13:34

Please leave him be OP. Parroting "I love you" all the time means absolutely zero. It is how someone behaves that matters.

ChristmasFluff · 09/06/2024 13:47

Maybe he doesn't love you?

In my 20s I stayed with someone for a couple of years because I believed he was showing me he loved me even if he didn't say it. But no, he just didn't love me.

Plenty of people will say they love you when they don't - it's so easily done! So in a way it's admirable when someone doesn't.

Smartiepants79 · 09/06/2024 13:47

Anyone can say they love you.
It can be meaningless.
Does he treat you well and show you that he loves you.
Either you believe in him and trust the relationship or you don’t.
The words won’t change that.
You know as a person on the autistic spectrum he’s going to find what you’re asking him hard. He may never say it. You need to find peace with that.

Opentooffers · 09/06/2024 13:50

Well if you know he has Aspergers, you know why. Are you banging your head against a brick wall trying to get him to say normal stuff you'd expect a NT person to say? That's not him, so don't expect it. It's your choice to take it personally, or decide its not for you, but don't expect to change him.

durundundun · 09/06/2024 14:01

Mabelface · 08/06/2024 18:10

Words are cheap, demonstrating that love is way more important. I'm autistic and I don't like saying it. Doesn't mean I don't feel it though.

Out of interest, why do you find it hard to say. I know it's common for autistic people to find it difficult but I don't understand why. Is it because you don't know if you love someone? Don't know what love is? They are just words. If you do know you love someone why is it hard to say those words?

durundundun · 09/06/2024 14:03

Psychoticbreak · 09/06/2024 13:14

I have asd and no issues telling people I love them.

Did you not post this the other day OP? If he doesnt tell you he loves you it is most probably because he does not.

This is not true. As you can see even in this thread, many many ASD people do love but can't say the words.

Fortheloveof83 · 09/06/2024 14:10

@durundundun i think it’s black and white thinking. It’s not important to them so they see no need. Mine knows he loves me so sees no need. He also has no understanding of why I need to hear it because he doesn’t need to hear it.

Psychoticbreak · 09/06/2024 14:11

durundundun · 09/06/2024 14:03

This is not true. As you can see even in this thread, many many ASD people do love but can't say the words.

Show quote history

Which part is not true exactly?

durundundun · 09/06/2024 14:14

Fortheloveof83 · 09/06/2024 14:10

@durundundun i think it’s black and white thinking. It’s not important to them so they see no need. Mine knows he loves me so sees no need. He also has no understanding of why I need to hear it because he doesn’t need to hear it.

But an autistic person may see no need to say please and thank you. But often an autistic person can learn to say please and thank you because it's been explained to them as something that makes other people feel appreciated. My autistic friends do. They learn to do many things they don't require but they know helps other people. So why can't they learn to say 'I love you' when they have had it explained that it is important to their loved one? Even if it is not important to them.
My ASD friends are smart. And good people. So they want their NT friends to be happy. So they learn to do things. But saying I love you seems to be a different thing altogether and I don't understand why.

durundundun · 09/06/2024 14:16

@Psychoticbreak
The bit where you say if he doesn't say he loves you he probably doesn't love you.

Many ASD people do love people but never say 'I love you'. Many ASD people on this thread have confirmed this.

Fortheloveof83 · 09/06/2024 14:18

@durundundun yeah Im sure it can be learnt. Depends on whether the other person is demand avoidant or rejection sensitive.
It’s all so varied and complicated, what works with one won’t always work.