Asperger BF won't tell me he loves me

[Nursenicole911]

I have been with my BF for 19 months. He is a wonderful person and we have a good relationship, however , he hasn't told me he loves me but invites me over every weekend and we spend about 4 days a week at his TH. We are both in our 50's. He has never been married no kids, works as a software engineer remotely . He's very sweet but has only told me that he loves me in his sleep about a year a

I have needs and every time I try to bring it up he gets defensive and shuts down. Is there anything I can do other than seek counseling?

It depends. Does he treat you with love, does he show love in lots and lots of other ways? If so I wouldn't worry so much about the words.

However I would not spend a moment with someone who makes you drag every skerrick of affection out of them, no matter the reason, as it is no way to live.

Depends which it is.

This.

Actions are important, but for some people words are very important too. There is no official scale of order of importance of how one perceives love. What counts is 'showing ' love so the other can perceive it and feel it.

OP, my dh never tells me he loves me either. Never calls me by my first name or any form of endearment. Never says please or thank you unless forced. I don't know if he is on the spectrum or not. Lots of things indicate he may be. He does seem to show his love through actions. But all these things have been missing for years and it has worn me down. I don't feel cherished as I should be and this is hard on my self esteem and happiness.

Think carefully about what you really need to be happy. Don't just try to make do. Otherwise there will always be something missing. You deserve to feel loved.

I don't think you can rely on 'actions' if he doesn't say he cares. I am Audhd, so are all my relatives. We work on the 'say it, in words' principle. If you don't tell people, they don't know. If he's not saying it, it's safer to assume he does not mean it.

If he doesn't have the capacity to say the words and you have asked him to. You have two choices-

Accept he loves you but can't say it

Leave the relationship

@EarthSight thanks for your post, I’ve been struggling with feelings also. My mum and partner and MIL are all on the spectrum. I’m pretty sure I’m not BUT I do have some trauma I struggle with. I have to tip toe them all the time but in return because they can’t help it I have to accept them triggering my trauma. It’s not fair it’s hard for me also but I try hard for them. I’ve had therapy etc to make sure I’m a decent partner and can meet their needs as I understand I think certain ways that aren’t conducive to a healthy relationship. Why am I doing all the work! What aren’t my needs important or considered.

Maybe he doesn’t love you. I have ASD and I say it all the time - to people I love. Honestly I think you’re blaming ASD when in fact he’s just not in love with you.

This again. Yes, MAYBE. Or maybe as dozens of other ASD people have said, he loves her but can't say it.

Out of genuine interest why can't many ASD people say the words? They are just words. It's not like there is a physical barrier to saying them.

In parrot fashion why can't some people just say the words I LOVE YOU. Just so their partner can hear what that sounds like coming from their partner who proves in every other way that they love them?

I read someone once saying they just want to know what it sounds like to hear the words said to them. Even if they don't express anything. They said their partner shows every day that they love them but they didn't want to go to the grave never hearing what it sounds like from their partners lips. Even parrot fashion

@durundundun

I am autistic, I can say the words to my dcs and dh.

No one else. It literally makes me feel so uncomfortable to think of doing it, like I could be sick. I could probably say the words out loud but it wouldn't be authentic, i wouldn't even be able to look at the person and my face would probably look disgusted.

Definitely easier not to say them.

Yes, that is about me, which is clear from my post and that is only a snapshot of part of my relationships.

When I love someone, I show it every single day through touch, how I look at them, what I do for them, appreciation of what they do for me. They absolutely know that I love them without the need for words.

The OP has to work out of this is a deal breaker for her. Can she live without hearing the words? If not, then it's not the relationship for her. There's no right or wrong in the situation. People have different ways of expressing love, whether it's words or actions. I can only speak for myself, not for those I don't know.

Well it’s a stalemate, isn’t it? Neither of you should have to change to please the other. If you like pleasing words, find someone who uses words that please you. I would personally prefer loving actions given freely than loving words extracted by force.

OP are you coming back to this thread?

That's so interesting.
Can you help me and others understand why you find those specific words make you feel so sick?
There must be a reason that those words give you that feeling.

What about saying 'I like you' or 'you make me happy' or 'I love being around you'.

Is it just 'I love you' or is it lots of things that make you feel uncomfortable?

Sounds like u gave no clue about Autism and are very needy.

For me, I think of autism as an internal language. One without words. So speaking in simply about communication. It's not about emotions or feelings. It's why many of us struggle to explain our feelings in words. We know how we feel, but don't necessarily know what words other people use to name those feelings.

It makes me sad. You can do so much to show someone you love them, but it means nothing when they value spoken words more than anything - the thing that actually means nothing to (some of) us because it isn't how feelings are expressed. To see someone get joy from words you don't have an emotional connection to just feels like you're not being authentic with them. That's actually really hard to do with people who are important to you.

There is a lot of anxiety around speaking to others in general because, like I said, speaking is about communication, and the words you chose are open to interpretation. When that doesn't come natural to you, there is always a fear that the things you say will be taken the wrong way or not be adequate for the message you're trying to convay. Understandably then, feelings and emotions are a minefield (usually best addressed in writing, when you can take time to choose the right words).

Isn't this an area where notions of 'love languages' etc are so unhelpful? We have preferences and certainly some needs, and modes of expression which we feel more or less comfortable with.
As you perceive your desire to be told that you are loved as a need -your need- you must decide whether you are able to sustain your relationship without this need being met. Don't expect him to change, please. This, like acts of sexual intimacy, is one of those things which, unless freely expressed, amounts to coercion. No amount of pleading or persuasion is going to bring it forth from a place of genuine feeling.

Then how about educating people rather than just criticising them?

Please help me understand . @HollyKnight , you say that for you, "autism is an internal language. One without words". Could you elaborate a bit more so we can understand this? How do you ( personally) express a language without words?
You also said that "getting joy from words you don't connect feelings to feels inauthentic" ? I really am having a hard time understanding this concept. Do you connect to song lyrics? Or a poem or a love letter?
Are you saying words don't represent your feelings?

You have also said using words for feelings is uncomfortable to you because they are a minefield. Do you mean you are afraid to express yourself in words because you fear getting hurt/ being vulnerable? (Yes, who doesn't, but that doesn't stop us) .
Thank you for answering please.

The only way I can describe it is it's like speaking another language. You know in your head what you want to say, but you have to translate those non-English thoughts into words that you hope your listener understands. Some people are better and faster at that translation process than others.

I really am having a hard time understanding this concept. Do you connect to song lyrics? Or a poem or a love letter?
Are you saying words don't represent your feelings?

Written words are easier to deal with because you have time and distance to process them. You read them, then translate them into thoughts that you understand and can connect with.

It's very different to having people speak at/to you. When people speak to you, you don't have the time to translate their words into thoughts that you understand, then to formulate a response, then to translate that response back into words that the other person will understand, while simultaneously deciding what tone to use, what body language to present, and what emotion to show on your face. That's if you even understand what kind of response is expected from you.

These things do not come natural to a lot of autistic people. It's why they sometimes have odd body language, or monotone voices, or blank faces etc. A lot of autistic people learn automatic responses to questions and situations for this reason. Even "I love you too" in response to "I love you" is just a learnt response. But if that is responded to with "what do you love about me?" there either won't be an answer, or there will be an answer that just sounds superficial or flippant ("I love your eyes").

You have also said using words for feelings is uncomfortable to you because they are a minefield. Do you mean you are afraid to express yourself in words because you fear getting hurt/ being vulnerable?

No, not really. It's more like trying to talk about something serious in a foreign language. The words lose their meaning because you're not expressing yourself in a way that comes naturally to you. So if you're not saying something in a way that means something to you, you just feel like you're being fake. If the other person gets joy from you being "fake", you feel shitty. I suppose people just want to be accepted for who they are, not who they pretend to be.

Think of it like having a French husband. What has more meaning coming from him - "Je t'aime" or "I love you"?

@HollyKnight
Thank you for I really appreciate when people take the time to explain. It's important to me to improve my understanding

@HollyKnight , thanks for answering. I'm still not sure I understand though.
Funny you use speaking a foreign language as an example. I am married to a Frenchman, so miscommunication happens. But not with other French people. It is definitely a him problem. He doesn't communicate his feelings well in English or French. In fact he can't/won't talk about feelings at all. His dm was the same. So frustrating.

I often wonder if he is ND. Still wondering after 30 years of marriage....

To be frank @Nursenicole911 , I think there is nothing you can do except accept him as he is. He certainly is not going to change.