Asperger BF won't tell me he loves me

[Nursenicole911]

I have been with my BF for 19 months. He is a wonderful person and we have a good relationship, however , he hasn't told me he loves me but invites me over every weekend and we spend about 4 days a week at his TH. We are both in our 50's. He has never been married no kids, works as a software engineer remotely . He's very sweet but has only told me that he loves me in his sleep about a year a

I have needs and every time I try to bring it up he gets defensive and shuts down. Is there anything I can do other than seek counseling?

Trauma and attachment issues also involved.

Are you the same poster that makes a thread about this roughly once a month? Boyfriend isn't actually diagnosed but because he isn't verbally emotional you think he has Asperger's - a very outdated diagnosis now and if he indeed does have it means that his autism impacted him quite significantly at one stage to actually receive the diagnosis.

But to give you the benefit of the doubt that you are not that poster....Autism is a social and communication disability, some people with it struggle to identify emotions and express them verbally. Just like some people with a mobility disability struggle to walk. If you were a big hill walking fan and had physical needs to be out and about for your own wellbeing you would be wildly inappropriate to say that someone with mobility challenges had to join you on that walk when due to their disability they found it very difficult. This is the same situation. Your bf because of his disability can not meet your need for verbal declarations of love. Now that might be because he doesn't actually feel that emotion for you or perhaps he does but expresses it in a different way like always having your favourite foods in when you stay at his etc.

The fact that an autistic person is opting to have you in their space every weekend during their 'recharging' time is a pretty big declaration of love or at least fondness as it is.

It is not unreasonable to end a relationship for any reason and not having verbal declarations of love is as valid as any other. Nagging him to perform his love and manipulating his behaviour to meet your needs however is entirely unreasonable.

Yes and many people like myself with ASD are capable of it.

@Singleandproud yep but i didnt want to mention! Not even diagnosed.

Don’t force him!
My DH is the same but we’ve been together over 25 years.
Do the love languages quiz- my DH’s is acts of service, so I know that when he does things for me he’s showing he loves me rather than saying it.

Thank you. This is really interesting. I genuinely find this sort of information interesting. I like to be educated about ASD in particular. I have ADHD so generally do not struggle with understanding other NDs ways and needs but a few things baffle me!

@Psychoticbreak

Yes and many people like myself with ASD are capable of it.

It was your use of the word 'probably' that made your comment not true.

It's possible but that's not the same as probable. Many ASD people struggle tell people they love them so it's not probably because he doesn't love her at all.

My dh is autistic and doesn’t really say ‘I love you’ but he definitely does love me - he shows me in lots of other ways. I honestly wish that people would stop trying to make ND people behave like NTs - this is one of the reasons ND people have poor mental health! Constantly trying to mask and remember these behaviours, many of which don’t really matter very much, is exhausting.

Does he show u in other ways?

It's all fine and well people here saying that it's more important he shows you. I agree that words are just words and actions are significant, but maybe OP (like me) is the type of person to value words of affirmation.

I couldn't be happy in a relationship where I was never told I'm loved - wouldn't matter what they did to show it. I like to hear it and feel it.

So OP I think you should have the conversation with him, about whether he is likely to ever feel open enough to tell you. You can't force him to be any different but you can tell him why it's important to you. If nothing changes, you'll have to weigh up whether his actions alone are enough

At your age, you should know that what you see is what you get, and people don't change because you want them to. You have two options. You either completely accept who he is, and stop nagging him to say something he doesn't want to, or you end it because he doesn't give you what you need. He is never going to magically become a man who starts telling you he loves you.

Words are from the lips actions are from the heart. What do his actions show you in terms of loving you?

“somethingwickedlivesnextdoor · Yesterday 18:17
Does he act like he loves you? Does he show it in other ways? If so, I'd that enough?”

@Nursenicole911 This with bells on. My DH never says it. But he shows it through his actions a lot. So you can either focus on the one thing he’s not doing or you can focus on all the other things he’s getting right.

I had a lovely boyfriend for about 10 years who couldn’t / wouldn’t say it . I thought it was a result of his upbringing which had been in a family who had expectations that did not include emotions . He showed me he loved me in all his actions. I wish I had had the experience and wisdom then to understand that that was good enough .
I tell my children all the time because I feel a deep unbreakable bond .
I doubt I would tell a romantic partner now (I’m in my 50s) . Romantic love seems a social construct , transactional and disposable , easily broken .

I would be tempted to examine why it seems so important at your life stage to hear it and be prepared to walk away from the relationship understanding that that aspect doesn’t meet your needs if that’s what feels right to you .

It just makes me feel very, very uncomfortable. When I love someone, I show them that I do. It's the way my brain works.

Please ignore all the women on here who are trying to dismiss your emotional needs. Just because he's autistic, doesn't mean that his needs get to trump yours. Not in a relationship of equals anyway.

Yes, anyone can say that they love you, but I think you're missing an emotional connection with him, and it's not just about words.

Some men like doing actions because that is actually less of a chore than spending time with their partner's personality. It's no necessarily because they love them. They're taking the easier option for themselves, not their partner, so these things aren't always simple.

Just to add, it feels the same to me as forced eye contact. Discomfort and anxious. I can't tell you why it does, it just does.

I'll tell you what a partner does get from me though - honesty. If I'm happy, I'll tell them, if I'm unhappy with them, I'll tell them why with none of the daft "I'm fine" shit and similar. I won't lie to them, ever.

Yes, just dismiss those who are autistic who can give a lived experience insight as to why, then lump men together as a particular type. Not.

And the same applies the other way. People's mental and emotional health can seriously suffer when they are in a relationship with someone who doesn't function emotionally like themselves, and are either unable to meet their needs. This may or may not be a result of being with someone who is autistic, but it can be a factor. There are continuing threads on Mumsnet about this.

Constantly trying to mask and remember these behaviours, many of which don’t really matter very much, is exhausting

They may not matter very much to you, but that doesn't mean it doesn't matter at all. Actions can have objective value whether or not you find them personally meaningful or not.

Tbh it is odd.
Relationships go both way.

If OP needs to hear the words to feel loved her partner needs to provide it for her.
Or they will not have longterm happy relationship.
Why should she settle for someone who cannot be bothered to make simple three words sentance?

I'm tried of women being told 'Well you don't really need that' and 'That doesn't mean anything' (because it doesn't mean anything to them).

Whilst I sympathise you or others might be tired of trying to fit in, it's also not all about you. Actions can have value beyond what you may or may not personally need. Just because you don't need something, doesn't mean the other person should feel fine to be without it.

@Mabelface sorry but that is not much to offer someone, it’s just about yourself. What do you do for another person that considers THEM from the perspective of their needs.

Very well said @EarthSight !

@JawJaw You clearly have no experience or knowledge of autism.

@thirtyseven37 I absolutely do have knowledge and experience of ASD. My father, husband and daughter have it and I have done many courses over the years relating to my work to raise awareness of neurodiversity and how best to support people.
Relationships, Families, companies, communities and societies work best and most harmoniously where everyone’s needs are understood and accommodated. That includes neurotypical people. Some things are hard but you do them because they help someone else.