Something’s off

[debmo83]

What do you think? I need outsiders. My mum died recently and my head has been all over the place.

My (41) husband (46) has always been a bit of a lone wolf. People like him in general, but he mostly doesn’t care what people think or socialise much. He has zero female friends and always gossips to me about work friends etc.

We've been together 15 years, married for 12.

A few weeks ago, our son mentions my husband’s ’football wife’ (one of the other boys’ mums) who apparently my husband has been talking to exclusively at weekly football training. My husband has never mentioned this woman to me.

I do a shift at football training, chatting to this lady, she knows absolutely everything about our lives. Everything.

I ask him about it, he says they just chat while they’re watching the boys. All cool. He implies that she’s too young to be of any interest (she’s one year younger than me).

Went to football presentation tonight. She’s there, sat alone whilst we are sat with a large group. I felt a bit sorry for her, went over to say hi, quick chat, she seemed keen to get rid of me, some others came and sat with her, fair enough.

She and my husband did not greet or say one word to each other… at all. But caught them glancing at each other a couple of times (although this may be in my head).

Am I going mad? I think I’m just going mad. Sane people, sort me out please

He implies that she’s too young to be of any interest

Red flag. The correct answer is that she’s not of any interest because he loves and is married to you, not because of any attribute of hers.

Yeh, she's 40 ish. Since when did any man ever think that was too young. If he were 70 he wouldn't think that.

I’d be checking his phone for messages that came in during or after those two events where they ignored each other. Plus just before and after football.

Agree with PP about the ‘too young’ comment. If that’s all he can come up with as a reason why he doesn’t fancy her then it’s a contender for the most unconvincing argument ever.

Have you asked him why they ignore each other at events but are so close at football that your own son calls her ‘football wife’ (which I guess he’s picked up from one of the other adults at football)?

To be fair, when I questioned the ‘too young’ comment, he did follow up that he would never jeopardise our marriage and family etc. and that he loves me and only interested in me.

Going to ask him about the not taking today. Can’t keep a lid on till September 😭

I wonder if she likes him and was pissed off that you were there but that still doesn't make sense of them glancing at each other. Hope it's nothing!

Yes. Sorry, OP, but if they ignored each other they're probably afraid that body language might give them away.

Happened to me at ex's birthday. His secretary was invited and was keeping about four feet away from him but not really engaging. A guest watched them for a bit and said to my SIL that something was going on between them they didn't want people to see (and she was dead right).

So I asked him why they didn’t speak. He said he decided to stay away from her completely so as not to upset me with any misconstrued flirtation because of my previous questions about her. He doesn’t know why she didn’t speak, nothing been discussed. He volunteered his phone, nothing suspicious on there, couple of texts about football, the boys etc. He’s blocked her on social media (my request) and said that I should take over football duties. He did seem genuinely upset to be having this discussion - both of us were. He wants to ‘fix it’ but neither of us can think of any others fixes.

Just going to try and carry on as normal, keeping an eye out for any weirdness (that I haven’t caused by raising the issue).

Once again, thank you all so much for your advice and input ❤️

@debmo83, your shining a light on this very significant issue has resulted in your H’s setting a boundary and drawing a line under this friendship, which had the potential to damage your marriage.

I do wonder if one or both were enjoying the attention/growing familiarity a bit too much. I mean, it’s normal to be flattered by friendly interest and attention, but strong boundaries must be put in place in a monogamous relationship. If not, a window can be opened and the sharing of emotional energy can lead to a very slippery slope.

I think perhaps your H was jarred when your son came out with ‘football wife,’ and realized that DS and probably others had noticed his repeated, exclusive chatting with this woman you’d never heard of. A decent, caring spouse would empathize with your unsettled feelings and would distance himself, which is exactly what has happened. His previous statement about her age was lame, but he has since taken definitive steps to prioritize you and protect your relationship.

I agree that you should still watch for strangeness. She will be wondering why he has pulled away, so she may reach out.