Something’s off

[debmo83]

What do you think? I need outsiders. My mum died recently and my head has been all over the place.

My (41) husband (46) has always been a bit of a lone wolf. People like him in general, but he mostly doesn’t care what people think or socialise much. He has zero female friends and always gossips to me about work friends etc.

We've been together 15 years, married for 12.

A few weeks ago, our son mentions my husband’s ’football wife’ (one of the other boys’ mums) who apparently my husband has been talking to exclusively at weekly football training. My husband has never mentioned this woman to me.

I do a shift at football training, chatting to this lady, she knows absolutely everything about our lives. Everything.

I ask him about it, he says they just chat while they’re watching the boys. All cool. He implies that she’s too young to be of any interest (she’s one year younger than me).

Went to football presentation tonight. She’s there, sat alone whilst we are sat with a large group. I felt a bit sorry for her, went over to say hi, quick chat, she seemed keen to get rid of me, some others came and sat with her, fair enough.

She and my husband did not greet or say one word to each other… at all. But caught them glancing at each other a couple of times (although this may be in my head).

Am I going mad? I think I’m just going mad. Sane people, sort me out please

Everything taken together = very suspicious.

Your son sees them paired off repeatedly and calls her H’s ‘football wife,’ yet H has never even mentioned her to you.

When you inquired, he claimed that she is too young to elicit his interest, which is a ludicrous falsehood, as she is essentially your age.

Turns out they’ve chatted so much that she knows ’absolutely everything’ about your family, yet during the recent event they never uttered a word to each other. However, you noticed them sneaking a peek at each other several times.

When you went over to say hello, she seemed to want you to move on.

@debmo83, I believe something illicit is going on. The heretofore lone wolf is now on a slippery slope and is emotionally investing elsewhere. He kept you in the dark initially but DS spilled the beans. Now he has an agenda to throw you off the scent via his ‘too young’ remark and their intentionally blanking each other at the presentation. You’re being manipulated.

I would investigate his phone for a while, but would soon confront him with your discomfort at the above. Tell him that you won’t be made a fool of and that he has much to lose. I would expect him to cut off this new ‘friendship’ immediately.

the thing about lone wolves is that when they meet someone on their wavelength it can become very intense very quickly

Did your son actually describe this woman as 'his football wife'. Did you ask your son what he meant by that?
I agree with a previous poster who said one of them has either crossed the line and they've fallen out, or they've crossed a line together.
Oh and sorry about losing your mum. It's shit isn't it?

Could you follow him to football and observe from a distance how they behave with each other?

Hmmmm. Not saying hello is odd.

*Tell him that you won’t be made a fool of and that he has much to lose. I would expect him to cut off this new ‘friendship’ immediately

This.

something very similar happened to me and I ignored those little things. We are now divorced, she and her kids are living with him in our old family home and it has been horrible for my children.
Please put a stop to it NOW. If he doesn’t, says you are overreacting/controlling etc , you have your answer. The ‘football wife’ thing is humiliating.

She knows all about you but you know nothing about her and they didn't say hello as you would to a platonic friend?

Sorry op. Sounds like something is going on.

He's just like Harry in Love Actually.

Trust your gut OP

She and my husband did not greet or say one word to each other…

That's the part that caught my attention too.

I know some people don't like it when people give an experience of their own but I think it can be helpful to contextualise. So...

When my partner and I got together, we intended to keep it on the downlow because we were part of a friendship group and we didn't want to disrupt that.

We all met up in the pub one evening, he and I arrived separately. I'd never scrutinised how we'd intereacted before that so being 'natural' was very hard and, in our attempt to not arouse suspicion by being 'too friendly', we alerted everyone by being the opposite.

One woman said she'd once had an affair and knew as soon as we walked through the door that something was going on becaise that's how she and her affair partner behaved.

The most natural and innocent thing would have been for him to be pleased to have the opportunity to introduce you to each other.

Trust your instincts. They’re close enough for your son to use the term “football wife” but suddenly not close enough to greet each other when you happen to be present.

Put together this looks suspicious.

The bit that really stood out was that they talk all the time at football and are friendly enough to share lots of detail of their lives, so much so that your son calls her his 'football wife'. Ie they are at best very friendly. But then at a night out, they ignore each other.

I'd say that either something is happening / developing - enough that they agreed to avoid each other at the night out, or one or both have overstepped, they've realised and agreed to pull back, hence the avoiding each other.

Either way, something has happened or is happening, I'd say.

I agree some thing is going on and I think your son is uncomfortable with it.

Yeh, your intuition has picked up on something. :-/

I would ask him not to jeopardise your marriage by feeding this new connection.
The respectful action now is to let that connection or spark or whatever it is die

He implies that she’s too young to be of any interest (she’s one year younger than me)

These type of comments really piss me off, the 'she's not my type' ones - oh really, so if she was 'your type' then you'd be interests would you?

But it does sound off, would your dh normally mention of he'd been talking to people, would he have mentioned did 'Dave at football has bought a new car' type of person? The not greeting each other is odd, if they are pally you'd expect them to at the very least say hello.

Tbh I'd check his phone, I know it's not the done thing, but that's just me.

Could be something, could be nothing! Surely they realised it would be suspicious they didn't talk at all, since you already know they chat a lot. Very odd.

It's not normal for two 'platonic' friends who know everything about each other, to completely ignore each other at an event. It's just not. I'd be taking a look at his phone and having a serious discussion

Thank you all. Glad to know that even if there’s nothing going on, I’m not a complete psychopath for being suspicious.

We have another presentation tonight for DS’ other club. She will be there, but not the big group we sat with last night, so will update tomorrow.

Hoping it was the group that put her off socialising with us last night and tonight will quash all my fears 🤞

I hope so too, OP.

It still wouldn't sit right with me that they didn't even acknowledge each other - a smile, a wave, a quick hello. There was no need to socialise.

Hopefully, everyone is just a bit socially awkward and didn't quite know how to manage the situation.

Don't let yourself be fobbed off either though.

It's the deliberate ignoring of each other. That's the clue.
My ex H did this at an event. No reason not to say hello to her in a social way.He was and is shagging her.

Have you asked your son where he got the term football wife from?

Time to switch up the routine. Come up with some reason why you need to take DS on that evening. If something is brewing it may still be in the flirty stage and can be nipped in the bud.

Sorry about your mum.

Sorry for your loss OP 😢 I wonder if your DH avoided speaking to the woman because you'd asked him about her and he was worried that you would not be happy if he spoke to her? Then she was looking over because she thought it was odd that he hadn't spoken to her given that they're apparently so friendly at the football? I used to take my son to football and was friendly and chatty with a few of the dads (it was mostly dads there) but there was nothing suspicious about it. Having said that, I think you have to trust your gut instinct. I'd be keeping an eye on the situation and looking out for any more shifty behaviour!

Usually trust your guts on this. Keep an eye and don’t confront or even mention anything to him. If he is onto something you need to decide. However, you need proof before making yourself to look insane. Try to get friendly with the woman and go to the football. May be is nothing.

I am a bit torn my DH is like yours he has a few male friends he likes playing pool/golf with ones my BiL and ones my cousin! He wouldn’t dream of going over to speak to someone he speaks to socially once a week if we were at a presentation or ‘do.’ He just wouldn’t think to do it!! Wouldn’t think it’s necessary! Mind you he just isn’t that kind of social talker anyway…

Can you be sure of the glances/looks? I would carry on watching/ monitoring- is there behaviour change from his perspective. Your son used the term ‘football wife’ where has he heard this from?