Dating a separated man

[Hagridswife]

So I’ve been seeing this man for a few months now, but the circumstances aren’t ideal
Would love some perspective on this….
He’s been separated from his wife for around 3 years, lives in his own place albeit rented but looking to buy
He jas his kids 2 nights a week however spends most of his time at his old family house
Pretty much everyday till kids go to bed and most days on weekends
The reason for not divorcing yet is due to splitting of assets. He doesn’t want the wife to get too much so he’s biding time till the kids are older and she gets more financially independent
however the whole set up makes me wonder how much can he really give emotionally and mentally considering he is still so enmeshed in his old family life?

I wouldn't date a man who's putting off divorce to ensure his ex wife "doesn't get too much" ,being tight and bitter aren't attractive personality traits.

That sounds mighty strange to me….

I would be avoiding

So many red flags!

1. He's deliberately putting off divorce so his wife doesn't get too much. This is the mother of his children! This is the woman who has given up so much to raise his kids! Yuk, yuk, yuk. Vindictive, tight fisted and manipulative. What a great catch.

Also tell him good luck with that because the longer he stays married to her the more likely it is she'll not only get a bigger settlement but she'll also (quite rightly) be awarded part of his pension.

2. The fact he still spends most of his time in the marital home. Are you sure they're actually separated?

3. He's not physically or emotionally available. You're about as connected as two fuck buddies are and while he has his set up that's all you'll likely be op.

Get rid of him.

Messy.
I would not get involved in the mess.

What reasons has he given for the marriage breakdown?

Sounds like a prize. 🙄

Too messy, too dodgy.

Surely there are easier rows to hoe?

Sounds dodgy.

If this wasn’t messy enough to avoid, finding out he’s trying to shaft his wife who is good enough to raise his children…
🚩🏃🏾‍♀️🚩🏃🏾‍♀️🚩🏃🏾‍♀️

Wow.... what a Prince among men you have found.

Lots of folk will advise never to get involved with someone until they're actually divorced.

In real life that means that during what can be an incredibly difficult time, that person cannot go on to build relationships. My divorce took 4 years, my dp's three, we were an item long before each was finalized (no we didn't cheat on our spouses).

Having said that, your fella hasn't even started his divorce and is highly enmeshed in his 'family unit' which is confusing for everyone.

I'd be stepping back until he's in a place where everyone knows where they stand.

THIS. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.
Steer clear.

The reason for not divorcing yet is due to splitting of assets. He doesn’t want the wife to get too much

His wife. Not the wife. His wife.

What makes you think he'll treat you better than this?

The spending every day there is just weird after 3 years. Get rid now and find someone more available.

Not a chance I’d get involved.

So when do you actually get to see him if he’s at his family home all the time? ?

Slightly different perspective here. I am in a similar position to your man, separated but not looking to divorce anytime soon. I have no emotional attachment to my ex whatsoever, other than caring for him as a friend. However divorce doesn't make sense for a range of reasons (finances, severe health issues), and unless I was planning to get married again anytime soon, which I am not, I simply don't see any point in divorcing right now.
However what I find odd and slightly alarming is the amount of time he still spends with his family. My ex and I are amicable but there is no way I'd want to spend that amount of time with him, even though it is all very amicable.
How much time do you actually spend with him if he's pretty much always with the family? Have you been introduced to his kids or what's the plan going forward?

I think he's not in the right place for a relationship.

Yup I thought it was weird that a guy I was seeing still spent Xmas and Mother's Day with his ex and his mother at same time. Every day is insane.

Minefield

He’s the one who left her, due to her argumentative nature
from what he says, she apparently wants him back but she herself is seeing somebody else

Well, yes, he's separated. A bit.

I agree.

Are you looking for a FWB type set up or a proper relationship. If it's the former, fill your boots and keep out of the messy entanglement of his home life. If it's the latter, run for the hills.

Nope, dabbled a couple of times and they were far less enmeshed, it's still too much. Don't bother with separated men at all - as far as I know the 2 I've known are still legally married, years later. Sometimes divorce doesn't happen, and its not about money as the longer you are married, the more it costs.

No he's not only stuffing you up, he's also tight and mean

So he left her due to being argumentative but he goes there everyday and refuses to divorce her! Err right! He’s cake eating! Or at least keeping a back up plan. Or he’s married and on a break trying to see if the grass is greener where he hasn’t trod yet.

I would have ran a mile the minute he said he wanted to remain married so he could get more money. He’s a greedy man.