Dating a separated man

[Hagridswife]

So I’ve been seeing this man for a few months now, but the circumstances aren’t ideal
Would love some perspective on this….
He’s been separated from his wife for around 3 years, lives in his own place albeit rented but looking to buy
He jas his kids 2 nights a week however spends most of his time at his old family house
Pretty much everyday till kids go to bed and most days on weekends
The reason for not divorcing yet is due to splitting of assets. He doesn’t want the wife to get too much so he’s biding time till the kids are older and she gets more financially independent
however the whole set up makes me wonder how much can he really give emotionally and mentally considering he is still so enmeshed in his old family life?

It's all about him and what is best for him.
You are just providing the side sex he wanted while remaining married.

He probably thinks he's brilliant.

How old are the kids?

The big issue is that so long as you remain married but separeted it can come back and bite you.

The obvious case being the long separated man who had a big lottery win, his ex wife was then able to claim part of it when she pulled her finger out and divorced him.

So dont delay divorce today!

Have some pride and walk away.

So he's either telling you the truth and is stringing his wife along so that ultimately he can "give her less" which is surely a bit off putting or he's still involved with her but wants some sex on the side.

Either way, he doesn't sound great?

I like how considerate everyone is in here...

"I'm interested in this man, his money will probably end up being put towards our future life and family together, but I want to me sure his ex is well taken care of first" :)

I’d date a separated man but I wouldn’t date an asshole. Which rules this guy out.

@C1N1C more like, how he treats his ex is a good indicator of how he'll treat me.

You’d think if she was truly argumentative that he would have put post separation boundaries into place for his mental health, but he’s over there every day!
Sounds like he and his wife are still quite enmeshed tbh. Perhaps he told you that she wants him back to keep you keen and anxious?

Leave him.
Far too much hassle and drama knocking on your door.

I don't understand what's being complained about now, but it's clearly the token "this is why women are shit and MN is a societal oppression of men" comment every thread must have these days...so now we've had it, the box is ticked and can we please carry on discussing the actual issue?

Way to twist, but no. This was purely an observation; and genuine surprise. We've seen posts recently of men giving too much money to exes, too much time, too much attention... and here, when it would actually benefit the 'new woman', there's a sense of generosity.

Although, it seems to be more of the 'should it fail, will he do this to me', rather than 'he's building up finances for our relationship'. I can see both sides.

@C1N1C Why is it about money at all from the OP's point of view? Do you really think she is thinking about what she can get financially from this man?
His attitude to his wife is odd which is the red flag - argumentative enough for him to leave but he's round there every day, and his expressed desire to make sure she gets less from a divorce.
The OP is, rightly, questioning whether to get emotionally attached to such a man, I can't see his money is a motivator at all.
Your username seems to suit you.

I suspect his wife is not aware that they've "separated".

Have you been to his place, or does he always come to yours? How long have you been seeing him?

Does he answer his phone whilst he's spending evenings and weekends at the FMH or does he expect you to wait for him to call you?

You want a relationship with a man who is openly trying to rip his wife off by holding out to her the hope he might come back? But he’s really doing this so that he doesn’t have to pay her what she is due in a divorce?

Or he’s lying and he is still with his wife and you are the bit on the side.

Whatever the truth, you are not his priority and he is not a man who treats women well.

@Hagridswife Whatever the reason, he is clearly not living as a separated man; he has his own place yet spends all his time with his ex wife, whilst also knowing that she still wants him back. After 3 years, he should be living his own separate life by now. His story also doesn’t add up because if his ex was that bad, he wouldn’t be spending so much time with her now! Sounds like he’s keeping the door open there, and not ready to let go.

Yes Ive been to his place, we usually speak on the phone in the evening but that suits us both
I do actually have feeling he is keeping his wife as a backup if things don’t work out with someone else, although she is in a relationship with someone
perhaps that might also be the true reason why they are not divorcing, just in case he goes back
He spends his time there because of the kids, he’s very devoted to them

So he left her and he knows she still likes him, but he lingers around the house like a looser (probably giving her false hope) and stringing her along until the kids are older and he can screw her over financially. If you think that sounds like a good catch then you’re probably well suited. But personally I’d be seeing the red flags and headed for the hills! You can do better OP, this one is one to throw back

But are you okay with this setup OP?

If you are, you wouldn't be posting on here about it.

If you aren't, what are you hoping will happen?

I think it's really weird when anyone splits, if they want to meet someone else, to not push the divorce through ASAP. No way would I want to be dating someone married to someone else unless actively divorcing.

I started dating when I was waiting for my conditional order to come through. I had just begun the relationship I'm currently in about a week or two before my final order was granted. And I was up front with anyone I was considering dating about my situation. I wouldn't have been interested in anyone not getting a move on with divorce.

And you've met the wife, and her new boyfriend, have you?

And his family and friends know you, you've talked with them about the situation? Everyone knows he's separated and you're the new gf? Yes?

(And you've meticulously stalked both of their SM which clearly shows they've split up and moved on? Maybe that's just me...)

Nah op. By your own admission he's still enmeshed in married life. You know what he's told you and even that sounds awful.

Have some respect for yourself. He's (at best) using you until his WIFE changes her mind.

To twist it, I'd have had to understand wtf you're actually complaining about. As it is, it's clearly just the standard "MN oppresses men in society" stuff that no thread can escape these days so whatever twist you had to put on it this time doesn't matter; it's just the boilerplate on literally any thread. Your duty is done, we have been policed as you wish, THE MEN have been mentioned, now can we discuss the issue?

OP, like almost everyone who dates while still legally married, he is clearly not all in. Cut it off and he can come back when he's actually available.

I'd make a dignified end to the relationship if I was you.

He doesn’t spend his time there because of his kids. He spends his time there because he wants to be around his ex wife too. He has his own place, he could very easily take them to his own place. He could take them on days out. He could do a lot that involves his kids outside of the family home. Sounds like you are wanting to be with this guy regardless of the obvious red flags though. Most people would have avoided this guy once they found out the dynamics he still has with his ex wife. A decent guy who is absolutely over his ex wife and dating someone else does not spend all this time around his ex wife (after 3 years!!!) whilst knowing she still wants to get back together. Sounds like they are both seeing other people but not seriously - because they still have the door open for each other.

You can be devoted to your kids and take them to hang out at your place where you cook them dinner and wash their clothes and take them to their activities. It’s probably much easier though to be ‘devoted’ to them and hang out at the house their mum keeps clean and does the laundry. Which would give me the absolute ick.