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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Fiancé has been on dating apps throughout our relationship

98 replies

Kat9012 · 06/06/2024 05:06

My fiancé and I have been together for 7 years now and have been engaged for about a year and a half, we're due to get married in 5 months.

About a year ago a mutual friend of ours sent me a screenshot of my fiancés tinder profile. I'll admit I was pretty emotional and angry at the time and probably should have waited until I calmed down a little to confront him. After I confronted him he immediately said it wasn't him and that someone must have been impersonating him. I suspected he was lying at the time but eventually decided to just move on from it since he swore it wasn't him and he let me look through his phone.

It's been a year since then and we recently moved in together. I've been finding out other little things that he's been lying about throughout our relationship, and this made me question the whole Tinder situation again. I asked him again about it a lot more calmly this time and he finally confessed to everything and that he was just using it on and off for the past few years as a confidence booster. He claims he didn't see anything wrong with it as long as he didn't go on any dates or message anyone.

He then went on to say that he didn't want to tell me he'd been using it the first time I confronted him about it since I was too emotional at the time and that he didn't want upset me further. It really bothers me that a year has gone by and he never told me the truth until now.

I honestly don't know where to go from here, I feel like I can't trust him anymore. I still really care for him and he's like my best friend but this whole situation has made me rethink our relationship and if I want to marry him.

Should I try to forgive him or is this a sign to break things off?

OP posts:
Aubree17 · 09/06/2024 07:27

As well as all of the above this guy is gaslighting you into believing it's somehow your fault he wasn't honest with you as "your too emotional"

He's a serial cheat and staying with this man will bring you nothing but misery.

FakeMiddleton · 09/06/2024 09:09

My ex wasn't a cheat but I remember a reason for delaying divorcing him was "so much money was spent on the wedding! I can't leave him now! Everyone will be so upset"

OP, nobody gave a shit about the money. As others have said, better to lose a bit of money and heartache now than a shitload more down the line untangling a marriage.

AgnesX · 09/06/2024 09:12

A blind man on a galloping horse can see he's taking you for a fool.

Find your self esteem and dump him.

DotDashDot24 · 09/06/2024 10:16

Aubree17 · 09/06/2024 07:27

As well as all of the above this guy is gaslighting you into believing it's somehow your fault he wasn't honest with you as "your too emotional"

He's a serial cheat and staying with this man will bring you nothing but misery.

Yeah.

You weren't "too emotional" - by too emotional he means you looked like you might dump him, he thought there was a good chance he'd get dumped.

When you believed the lies, continued the relationship and got engaged; he knew you were locked in and extremely unlikely to dump him, so he felt confident & comfortable enough to confess to the years of being on dating sites. I think he's still lying about doing absolutely nothing on them though.

Nice wag of blaming you for him lying to your face too. No, it's his responsibility entirely for choosing to lie to your face back then. Were you supposed to be all chilled? Would he have been all chilled in reverse circumstances? Would he, fuck.

Anyway, he - at the very least - cruises dating sites and is a liar. Hell lie to your face to get himself off the hook and then fess up a little but when he thinks you're locked in .... Like you would be later with kids.

That's not marriage material.
He's shown you he's not marriage material.

Don't fall into sunken costs fallacy because it's 7 years.

The 7 years only goes to prove he's been acting like this long-term, so I'd imagine he'll continue acting like this.

You know the person who showed you his tinder profile is hoping you end the relationship and don't marry him, and anyone else who knows too. You know what they must think of him and what a farce he's made of your relationship. They're hoping you won't continue being his stooge and victim.

Oh and the lying to stop you from ending the relationship when you first found out - he'll spin at as loving you so much. That's not true. He wouldn't act the way he has been if he loved you ...and was capable of decent, fair, respectful love.

And cheaters always lie or manoeuver to get back in control when they're caught.

They think they're in control of the situation when they have you as their main secure partner, while they look and dabble elsewhere. They don't want to lose that. They'll say and anything to get back that control, not to be on the wrong end of the stick .... Being dumped and left truly single if/when they don't want to be.
They don't want you to do the dumping; they want to do any dumping that's done - if and when it suits them.

They'll say whatever they need to to get back in that secure position... And then revert to their cruising/dabbling/looking for options/side action.
And believe me, if they thought they'd gotten something secure with someone they perceived as "better' than you, they could well be outta there.

Even if they don't leave you, some men are always wanting main chick and side chicks/side action. They think it's natural and they think they're entitled to that.

They don't think women are entitled though. That's why he"'s felt entitled to be on dating site for "confidence boosting" (hmm) for years while he "forgot" to tell you, and let you have the option of doing the same.

There is also the old "I cheated/tried to.cheat because my self esteem is low, boo hoo!!".

Nah, if your self esteem was low wouldn't you be thankful, grateful and scared to lose what you've got ...instead you're looking for more/extra/something else. It's not low self esteem, it's greed, sly-ness and entitlement and double standards.

Would self esteem and confidence boosting be an excuse he'd accept from you if he found out you were on dating sites behind his back for years??!!

You'd be called all the names of the day, he wouldn't trust you, and I seriously doubt you'd be getting married.

This is not a good background to a marriage or a good person to marry. He's a type of cheater (whether he ever messaged people or met people ...which you'll never know without evidence) and he's a liar and he thinks he's entitled to look around for others and advertise himself behind his partner's back

A broken engagement is cheaper and less painful than a divorce and a broken home (especially with little kids involved).

DotDashDot24 · 09/06/2024 10:40

*Nah, if your self esteem was low wouldn't you be thankful, grateful and scared to lose what you've got ...instead you're looking for more/extra/something else. It's not low self esteem, it's greed, sly-ness and entitlement and double standards.

Just to add, on the other side of the going, if it truly was due to low self esteem and confidence; is that the sort of person you want to hitch your wagon too in life??

Self esteem and confidence so low that they feel the need to constantly, long term - seek attention & validation from other people of the opposite sex, even being active on dating sites behind their partner's back - to get it.

Is that the sort of person anyone would really want to be married to?

Why should anyone tolerate their partner seeking attention and validation from the opposite sex - for whatever reason - and where could that seeking lead to .... It's disrespectful and inappropriate at best, it could lead to emotional affairs or even physical affairs. It's not something someone should have to tolerate in a good relationship.

They should seek confidence in other aspects of life if they're in a monogamous relationship.

And if they can't have confidence in their attractiveness and value to the opposite sex, with their partner, they really shouldn't be in an exclusive relationship.

And you can bet your bottom dollar such confidence and validation seeking would not be tolerated by them from you.

To be honest, I don't believe there's the main reason for his behaviour anyway. He thinks he's entitled to side action. He may even have been thinking he'll settle with you if he doesn't meet "better" within a certain time frame.

DotDashDot24 · 09/06/2024 10:54

Do you know that it's completely normal to be bloody emotional about a cheating fiance? If he didn't want to upset you and make you emotional, he should have stayed off the dating websites.

This.

Ever seen the video of the guy pranking his partner that he's cheated on her. She knew he was a long-term prankster and spotted the camera and pranked him back during it.

When she pranked him and said "I'm glad in a way you've told me cause I did too" ... And he realised what she was saying, the change in his demeanour and behaviour was extremely dramatic; he looked panicky, winded, devastated, extremely angry, and on the verge of violence.
He was in her face asking "who?", slapping the bed with his palms, he refrained from doing more than holding her elbows but at one point I think he knocked over a table lamp.
He dropped to his knees in relief when she said she was pranking him back. That's fairly typical.
Your charming "fiance" ... Who hasn't been acting like anybody's boyfriend or fiancé - would he highly "emotional" too if someone told him you were on dating sites.

He's gas lighting you ...and you're somewhat gas lighting yourself - that you're somehow wrong to have reacted the way you did, and that it was justified that he lied to you.byoyd reaction was normal and natural .. and he had no excuse for lying. He lied for entirely selfish reasons, just like he was on saying sites for entirely selfish reasons.

Loubelle70 · 09/06/2024 10:56

mathanxiety · 06/06/2024 05:24

Cancel the wedding.

Move out.

Do not listen to any apologies or promises.

Block him.

Move on with your life.

Straight up. Agree

crumpet · 09/06/2024 10:57

A good relationship is based on trust.

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/06/2024 10:58

Dump him. He’s a dud. Feeble minded and intrinsically disloyal and untrustworthy.

Staying with him would be an act of complete stupidity @Kat9012 You know what to do.

Blueberry40 · 09/06/2024 11:01

It’s a sign to break things off.

Peonii · 09/06/2024 11:16

Don't marry him.

When I was single and using dating apps I matched and chatted with a guy who sounded amazing. It was around Christmas time and he bought me Christmas presents... I for some reason felt he was "too good to be true" because he was just that perfect and decided to search him on Facebook. Turned out he was engaged to be married. Went on his fiancee's profile and she had just been on her hen do. Her friends were commenting on her engagement picture things like "Finally!" and "the cutest couple" etc etc. I felt so so sorry for her. When I confronted him he said his head was all over the place etc, I said I would appreciate it if he never spoke to me ever again but boy did I feel sorry for his partner.

Escape while you can OP, he sounds like a loser.

Beamur · 09/06/2024 11:19

Do not marry him. Dump him and don't look back.
He totally has been shagging around the whole time and will continue to do so.

haddockfortea · 09/06/2024 11:36

Don't marry him. The trust is gone, and even if he swears on his life he'll never do it again, you will never be able to fully trust him again, and that is no basis for a relationship.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 09/06/2024 11:40

Apart from not trusting him, you are talking about loving him as a brother. Do not stay with him, let alone think of marriage.

Namechangedforthis25 · 09/06/2024 11:42

Why and how could you continue to marry a guy like this?

and live a life of his lies and deception FOREVER

Obviously you need to end it

Scalextrix · 09/06/2024 11:53

I don’t think op is coming back to this thread unfortunately. Hope they’re reading all the advice though.

Nanny0gg · 09/06/2024 12:00

@Kat9012

The term you're searching for is EX-fiancé

He lied. He is lying. He will continue to lie

Thevelvelletes · 09/06/2024 12:08

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 06/06/2024 08:29

I asked him again about it a lot more calmly this time and he finally confessed to everything and that he was just using it on and off for the past few years as a confidence booster. He claims he didn't see anything wrong with it as long as he didn't go on any dates or message anyone

OP - there's thread after thread on here of women who found out their OP was on dating sites, sex sites, OnlyFans sites, sites with hook ups, sites where men look for sex workers, sites for swingers - and it's always "I was only looking. I'd never DO anything or go any further."

His "I was using it as a confidence booster" 🙄is just another way of saying that. If he needs his confidence boosted then therapy's a much better option. Of course he had every intention of using them.

Very good advice on this thread. Listen to it.

All of the above and if you do marry him.
Fast forward a couple of years if you have a baby with him.
You will be back on here with ow issues etc.

MrsSlocombesCat · 09/06/2024 12:39

OP isn't coming back is she? So she doesn't like the advice to ditch him even though it's the only sensible option.

Gondoliere · 09/06/2024 15:13

Bloody hell! Some men are assholes and entitled to think they deserve to behave like this. Do not marry him and dump him asap. I know it is going to be hard but much less hard than marrying him. He does not respect you and would not changed. Please open your eyes 👀. Your friends and family would rather you avoid this situation long term. Hope you get proper support from real life friends.

Barryplopper · 18/08/2024 17:16

Would he be happy for you to use dating sites to get your ego stroked by other men? He can say he never messaged or met up with anybody but realistically who is going to download an app, put pictures up and then not respond to anybody? He's a liar.
This problem will never go away, can you really trust that he will never use a dating site again? In the whole of his life? Because he hasn't managed to go without using them during your 7 year relationship...he will just learn to hide it better x

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/08/2024 17:19

Thank goodness you found out before the wedding. Do not marry this man! He can’t be trusted and you deserve better.

LadyGabriella · 18/08/2024 17:30

He’s looking to upgrade from you. If you marry this man it will end in divorce.

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