Fiancé has been on dating apps throughout our relationship

[Kat9012]

My fiancé and I have been together for 7 years now and have been engaged for about a year and a half, we're due to get married in 5 months.

About a year ago a mutual friend of ours sent me a screenshot of my fiancés tinder profile. I'll admit I was pretty emotional and angry at the time and probably should have waited until I calmed down a little to confront him. After I confronted him he immediately said it wasn't him and that someone must have been impersonating him. I suspected he was lying at the time but eventually decided to just move on from it since he swore it wasn't him and he let me look through his phone.

It's been a year since then and we recently moved in together. I've been finding out other little things that he's been lying about throughout our relationship, and this made me question the whole Tinder situation again. I asked him again about it a lot more calmly this time and he finally confessed to everything and that he was just using it on and off for the past few years as a confidence booster. He claims he didn't see anything wrong with it as long as he didn't go on any dates or message anyone.

He then went on to say that he didn't want to tell me he'd been using it the first time I confronted him about it since I was too emotional at the time and that he didn't want upset me further. It really bothers me that a year has gone by and he never told me the truth until now.

I honestly don't know where to go from here, I feel like I can't trust him anymore. I still really care for him and he's like my best friend but this whole situation has made me rethink our relationship and if I want to marry him.

Should I try to forgive him or is this a sign to break things off?

Why can't these men just take up arts and crafts or build something, take up sport or a hobby and build their self esteem and confidence that way?
Why the validation from women? It's very teenage

I honestly don't know where to go from here

Leave him. He’s a lying, cheating, gaslighting bastard. Do not marry him - he will only get worse. Prepare for him to make out when you do hopefully chuck him that he’s been honest with you in confessing (what a saint) and you’re overreacting because he’s done nothing wrong. But you can bet that at the very least he’ll have been messaging women. Decent men in a relationship don’t go on dating or pickup sites/apps, full stop.

Yours is an interesting view and you make valid points. I came on to agee but also think every poster is right so OP if our responses mean anything at all to you then your engagement should be OFF any time now. An unpleasant task but it's either that or a miserable time ahead. Good luck.

Cheaters lie. All the time. About everything. This man is barefaced lying to you. You have proof he lied the first time about tinder and the other things you mention, and he is continuing to lie to you. As if he hasn’t messaged anyone on tinder, as if he hasn’t met up with anyone – can you see how ridiculous it is for him to claim he hasn’t? Decent men would not dream of doing this to you.

You are at a very significant fork in the road of your life. You only get one go at it. Do not let it go to shit (and it will) because of this liar. You are about to step into a marriage where your foundations are completely broken and you will always, always be questioning him. A life like that will grind you down into misery.

Go and find your happiness.

Your best friend doesn't lie to you throughout your relationship.

Aside from the obvious infidelity issues, the whole "you were so mad that I didn't confess" is fucking Gaslight 101, so god knows what other red flag behaviour he's got going on.

Please leave and find someone who loves you.

Honestly you are engaged to be married. This should be the wake up call. The first time I got engaged, the flaws in the relationship came into sharp focus once the wedding was booked. It was a massive wake up call. I cancelled it all and left. I'm so glad I did. Honestly - don't get married.

OP I know you may feel you have a sunk cost fallacy- you're engaged, live together and have been together for a while

BUT- You deserve SO MUCH BETTER!

You deserve a man who is ALL IN- Who would NEVER even contemplate another woman, who is so secure in himself that he feels whole as is, and will want to build and complement the life you have as a unit. A man that would not have you question your sanity or your thoughts either.

Dump him, and make space for someone better and THERE WILL BE BETTER

This this this.

So it’s YOUR fault he lied. It’s so fucked up and men like this don’t even deserve to look a woman in the eye, let alone have a partner.

What you have found is the tip of the iceberg. Denial denial denial and then breadcrumbs of info that will slowly dismantle your entire existence as his lies unravel over time.

💯 this
You are just an option OP and he's shopping for consolation prizes for marrying you.

Because of entitlement, porn and a lack of self respect, self awareness and the willingness to learn and grow as a human. Meanwhile we are supposed to work on ourselves, eat healthily, do yoga, work on forgiveness, be accomplished and BE KIND.

It would be a HUGE mistake to marry him And you would be signing up for a
lifetime of misery.

he has lied to you and deceived you repeatedly.
even if you get past this… (which you shouldn’t) and even he is telling the truth and is “just” flirting and looking for an ego boost 🤮
if he is doing this in the “good times” you can guarantee he is going to be going on “dates” and shagging about when you are pregnant / have kids and are knackered and arguing 40 times a day about nothing in particular.

This is why I am so wary of men on dating apps , an estimated 60% of them are in relationships. It’s absolutely shocking.

Op, What kind of pathetic man needs to go on apps for an ego boost when he’s actually in a relationship already? Surely being with you is giving him the “ego boost” he needs right because he thinks you’re a catch and is so lucky to have you…Well clearly not! He reckons he can do better so is not closing the door on his options.

Apart from being completely disrespectful and cruel to you, he is disrespectful to women generally because he’s on those apps probably wasting the time of women who are genuinely looking for a relationship. He’s just an all round selfish deceitful guy. If he needs a so called ego boost now by going on apps - what’s he going to be like in the tough times if he feels he’s not getting enough attention/sex/praise from you ?

Ask him if he’s ok with you joining so you can also get an “ego boost”? This will be the same excuse he makes when he is caught sleeping with someone. I’d get out now! If you let this go he will see you as an easy touch and go onto meet up with someone on there if he hasn’t already.

Don't put everyone through this wedding only for you to get divorced a year later.... when you find out he's cheating or something

What I think you should do is dump him immediately. What I think you will do is believe all the crap he tells you and then go through this again and again.

If you look below at the similar threads links here there are so many with a similar title “boyfriend downloaded dating app” “my partner is still on tinder” ugh

when they talk about how many more men there are on dating apps and how it’s hard for men as women have all the choice blah blah I hope they know half of these “poor men” are in relationships which probably contributes to why the men are outnumbering women on apps!

You been a couple for the past 7 years and engaged for the past 18 months. Your now living with him a few months. Now you seeing what he is really like. He finally admitted that he has been using online dating sites for years. Who honestly uses dating sites to see if they can still attract woman when they are already in a couple and are engaged.
I know it hard to accept that he has done this but at least you found out now.
You need to end things with him and cancel your wedding. Let your family and friends know the reason why as you need some support now.

I know lady who got involved with a man apox 20 years ago. She was told by his ex girlfriend then that he was bad news. His new girlfriend said she the jealous of our relationship. Her friends and family tried to get her to end things with him as they saw what he was like especially if he was drinking.
She got pregnant and eventually years later they got engaged. She had her wedding and less than 4 years later she started divorce proceedings. He was drinking, getting verbally abusive and hit her more than once. She refused to listen to what people said about him and ignored the signs as well. She had a horrible life with him and brought a child into this situation also. Because of their child she still has to see him on occasion.

My advice in your situation is to end things, walk away and build up a new life for yourself because marrying him will end up being a huge mistake. You deserve better than than him.

You been a couple for the past 7 years and engaged for the past 18 months. Your now living with him a few months. Now you seeing what he is really like. He finally admitted that he has been using online dating sites for years. Who honestly uses dating sites to see if they can still attract woman when they are already in a couple and are engaged.
I know it hard to accept that he has done this but at least you found out now.
You need to end things with him and cancel your wedding. Let your family and friends know the reason why as you need some support now.

I know lady who got involved with a man apox 20 years ago. She was told by his ex girlfriend then that he was bad news. His new girlfriend said she the jealous of our relationship. Her friends and family tried to get her to end things with him as they saw what he was like especially if he was drinking.
She got pregnant and eventually years later they got engaged. She had her wedding and less than 4 years later she started divorce proceedings. He was drinking, getting verbally abusive and hit her more than once. She refused to listen to what people said about him and ignored the signs as well. She had a horrible life with him and brought a child into this situation also. Because of their child she still has to see him on occasion.

My advice in your situation is to end things, walk away and build up a new life for yourself because marrying him will end up being a huge mistake. You deserve better than than him.

'I honestly don't know where to go from here?'

Seriously? Wow.

I'm very sorry for you op. Can you access any help from friends or counsellors if you can afford it? Of course he should have been dumped, that's obvious. Where you need help is that thru shouldn't be a question.

Walk away. He won't improve in reality, but he'll work very hard to persuade you that he will.

Yep, and we can probably give her the script, as well.

I'll change
I'll do whatever it takes to keep you
You can check my phone whenever you want
I'll never ever do it again
I didn't know what I was doing
My life isn't worth living without you
If you leave me I might as well end it

If you don’t end the relationship, you’ll be getting divorced, possibly with children involved, because he will never stop this behaviour.

This was my ex husband. The lying never ever stops. You won’t listen to your instincts or advice because you will want your wedding. You’ll put it to the back of your mind.

You’ll have kids with him, he will continue lying and say he can’t tell you the truth because of how you behave. It will ultimately your fault why he lies to your face.

When you go to bed at night he will be on dating apps to fix his little ego - till he meets some one that engages him and he will go and meet her whilst your busy with the kids.

Then he will blame you because you wasn’t meeting his needs.

OF COURSE he knew he shouldn’t have been on Tinder OF COURSE he knew it would upset you but he didn’t care because he thinks you’re stupid and can get away with it.

Dont think for one minute he wasn’t talking sexually with women or meeting up with them.

Being with someone who can disrespect you and lie to your face eats away at your self esteem. When you have kids you will bury it even more because you don’t want to break the family up. Till one day you realise that you cannot stand the lying fucker and choose to leave - kids in tow.

Which I done - and it was the most awful, disgusting, damaging period of my life. It’s took me 4 years to get myself in a good place because my self worth was shit.

And that was all down to me choosing to stay with a liar because I wanted my wedding

OP - honestly the wedding isn’t worth it

OP, the title of your thread is wrong. It should read Ex bf has been on dating apps throughout our relationship.