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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner is tired because I do night shifts, make it make sense

93 replies

Alienpotato · 03/06/2024 17:31

My partner is moaning he’s tired because I work night shift in a care home 3 days a week 8pm-8am

I have to work night shift because we have no childcare for the baby, so he drops the baby off to me at 8am on his way to work, and then I look after her all day, without about an hours sleep during her nap, before going back to work for 8pm.

so now he is saying that I can’t pick up overtime because he is tired. Tired because he has to wake up 20 minutes than he usually would to get the baby in the car and drop her off at my work. My wage is considerably less than his yet have to split bills 50/50. I struggle without overtime!

am I in the wrong the asking for bills to be split based on a percentage of wages? How is it fair that I’m not allowed to pick up overtime to get a bit of spending money yet he earns about £700 per month more than me.

bit of additional info, I buy literally 99% of the stuff the our 1 year old daughter needs. He doesn’t see a problem with this as I get the child benefit, but her stuff costs way more than £100 per month.

he also says out daughter can’t go to nursery two days a week because it only benefits me, because I will get to sleep for a few hours after night shift two days a week, but this isn’t fair because he doesn’t get ‘that time to himself’

and yes, he has said multiple times that me having a nap after being awake on night shift all night is having time to myself.

OP posts:

OnehundredStars · 03/06/2024 22:03

This is truly so sad.. working in a care home is HARD then minding a baby two days straight with no sleep and listening to a spiteful, greedy user of a man on top!!!!

Leanne1191 · 03/06/2024 22:04

Alienpotato · 03/06/2024 17:31

My partner is moaning he’s tired because I work night shift in a care home 3 days a week 8pm-8am

and yes, he has said multiple times that me having a nap after being awake on night shift all night is having time to myself.

Wow the bloke is a total prick! I'd fuck him off hun! You and your daughter deserve better, I'd leave him and go and claim as a single mum and work part time and get the 15 hours help least then you won't have to work nights and be tired all the time! What an absolute cock 🤦🏼‍♀️

Ratfinkstinkypink · 03/06/2024 22:05

We can't make it make sense because it doesn't make sense. He is not a partner, I really hope you find a way to leave him and start a new life for your self and your daughter.

endofthelinefinally · 03/06/2024 22:06

This is awful.
If you are not married you have no rights to a share of the property you are enabling him to buy. You are looking after his child and working and paying bills.
You need to leave as soon as possible because if you are living with him you will never get any help with housing or financial support.
He is financially abusing you and you are so tired you aren't able to see it.
Contact Women's Aid.
Do you have any family or friends you could go to?

beergiggles · 03/06/2024 22:07

Greenleavesinthesun · 03/06/2024 21:57

Your husband says you can’t put your daughter in childcare two days a week because it will benefit you and you just say ok to that? WTF!

You do know your an adult, his not your mother and even as a adult, you don’t have to do as your mum says, you don’t have to do as anyone says, your an adult, choose to do it because you want too. You don’t need permission.

You need to be more selfish, just like him.

Yes the op does need to be more selfish and stand up for herself. However he is doing all he can to crush and destroy her ability to stand up for herself.
He wants her to be compliant, biddable, passive, hence he is in favor of things which bring that about!

Codlingmoths · 03/06/2024 22:07

Pay proportionately. Tell him you are going to wake him up all night on the weekend except one hour which he ‘can have to himself’ and keep doing this until he agrees a little sleep is a necessity and you proportionately pay for the two days childcare. You must be so tired your brains are dripping out. I’m so sorry you’re with this selfish asshole. I wish you a future without him.

Leanne1191 · 03/06/2024 22:10

Alienpotato · 03/06/2024 17:58

I have thought about leaving so many times, and spoke to him about it, he doesn’t see an issue in his ways. He says my life has improved massively since I met him. I am on the council list and have been since before I even went back to work after maternity, I am just not getting anywhere with it

This makes me so angry!!! Also once you have left this waste of oxygen make sure you got to CSA!!!! Disgusting human! Honestly some men! Your life is better since being with him.... please you self absorbed, entitled bellend 😡😡😡

Treetertop · 03/06/2024 22:42

Ring Women's Aid, message them, ask for a call back. They will help you separate yourself from your abuser, because that's what he is. Get your name down for a nursery place somewhere asap. They will help you find somewhere else to live, by helping you with applying for UC and housing, you will be able to support yourself financially and use a nursery, which you will be able to claim back approx 80% of the fees as you'll be living alone with your child. You will move up the list on social housing, your priority will change, they will help you with everything plus the moral support to be able to untangle your life from his. He is abusing you, recognise this, seek help and get him out of your life before it gets worse.it will only get worse.

taylorswift1989 · 03/06/2024 22:47

Contact women's aid OP. They will help you get away from this abusive man.

Dweetfidilove · 04/06/2024 00:42

Ignoring this shit show you’re engaging in,
I’ll only comment to ask that you sort out your sleep for your baby’s sake. An hour sleep a day will break you, and the baby deserves a ‘whole mom’.

twoforj0y · 04/06/2024 00:53

Put your child in nursery if you want. Stop this "he says, he says..." reclaim the power that is yours in this partnership. He is not god. He isn't there to give you permission! So don't ask for it!

SamW98 · 04/06/2024 00:59

So why the fuck did you willingly choose to procreate with this absolutely selfish prick and stay with him despite him
abusing you emotionally and financially?

beergiggles · 04/06/2024 12:51

SamW98 · 04/06/2024 00:59

So why the fuck did you willingly choose to procreate with this absolutely selfish prick and stay with him despite him
abusing you emotionally and financially?

I take it you've not read any of the explanations of how women are lured into these traps, how predatory men operate etc?

Balloonhearts · 04/06/2024 12:55

And you are still with this brain dead, stupid, useless cunt...why, exactly?

yhk · 04/06/2024 13:02

Alien,

This man is taking advantage of you. He must see how unfair this is on you and that you are struggling, but he seemingly doesn't care?

I suggest you consider if you will be better off without him as a 'partner'.

You won't be a priority for social housing if you are living with him, however if you were a single parent you would be.

Hypothetically, CMS payments (if there wouldn't be a 50/50 arrangement), along with any UC entitlements will take the sting out the cost of providing for your little one.

Not something to rush into, but something I think you should research and consider.

NoraLuka · 04/06/2024 13:08

Bloody hell he’s an arsehole. Stop thinking about him and what he wants, just think about yourself and your daughter and what would be best for you both. Do you think he’d look after you if you got ill or had a breakdown from lack of sleep?

Is he trying to stop you from working or something, so you don’t have your own money and have to stay with him? Sorry if that’s already been answered but it was the first thing I thought of.

Cantgetyou · 04/06/2024 13:11

What have I just read??? OP, you know this is not right, you need to leave this horrible selfish man.

Opentooffers · 04/06/2024 14:25

Do you do everything your areshole of a P says, just because he says so? Get the funded nursery place for your DD, it's better for her to be looked after people who are not sleep deprived and it is good for your DD to mix with other children. Ignore all he says about this, he's wrong to object.
If half of all bills includes half of his mortgage, stop paying that part, you have no claim to his house so should not have to fund his mortgage payments for him.
It sounds like, understandably, your relationship has deteriorated and there is not much respect between you. You are looking to move out, and he is financially abusing you. If there is enough room in the house, sleep in a separate room, consider yourself separated from him and claim UC based on your income and get all the benefits you are entitled to as a single parent.
Claiming your life is better since you met him is just a line that abusers chuck out. It's a bit like saying your life was worthless before him and will therefore be worse without him.Its not true, total BS. Just get on with stuff without running it past him and looking for his approval, he's already said he's not interested at all in any plans that would help you out in life, because he only does things to benefit himself.

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