Is getting divorced the right thing to do?

[lrjb40]

I’d be really grateful for some advice. I want to get divorced but know that would mean selling the family home, moving into a flat and being very short of money. If I explain my life I wonder if others think that I should do it and that we would all be happier? I’d be grateful for some suggestions on what I should do. I have lots of friends but I don’t have a supportive family and would be very much on my own if I did get divorced.

I am 51, my husband is 60, we have two teenage daughters. We both work full time in senior (ish) jobs. I earn more than him. I do the vast majority of the housework, cooking, shopping, childcare (obvs not really child care now that they are older but things like dentist, picking up and dropping off from friends, helping with homework, sorting out problems with friends or school when they arise) and I do all of the home admin like sorting out bills, switching broadband provider, booking holidays etc . I do the gardening, I programme the central heating, put the bins out and unblock the plug holes. I buy all the birthday and Christmas presents, make arrangements to see his family from time to time. I arrange social engagements but we socialise separately nowadays.
My husband is mr helpful and happy at work and around acquaintances but is often sullen at home. I know that I don’t make him happy.

He accuses me of wanting to control him and our life, and needing things done my way. I believed him for many years and thought that the problems in our marriage were my fault.
I shoulder all the responsibility for family life but am accused of being controlling when I ask for help with anything. If I ask him to unload the dishwasher or empty the bin he will ignore me or say ‘I might do’ then probably won’t do it. He often leaves the back door unlocked at night or the freezer ajar and if I express irritation he will sulk for several days and say I want to control him.

We have both accepted that our marriage is now just a matter of going through the motions to maintain a family life but I resent shouldering all the responsibility and paying for most things. I don’t enjoy his company, find him unattractive (he’s overweight and nearly ten years older than me which is probably more obvious now than it was twenty years ago).

I arranged for us to go to relate about ten years ago. It was fairly useful but nothing changed - I think we both decided to just rub along together until the kids were older. My children’s happiness is more important to me than my own.
The girls are doing well at school, have friends and enjoy having their own rooms, lots of clothes and make up, the food they like, trips out when they want them but both are quite anxious, introverted young people - they know that their parents don’t have a great marriage but we don’t row in front of them and do all the things that ‘normal’ families do.
I read lots of threads on here and think that strangers often give really good advice, so often women say it’s the best thing they did (getting divorced) and that it’s better for everyone than staying in an unhappy relationship but I find that hard to believe. Maybe I’m not brave enough to do anything about it but I feel like I’ve wasted my life in an unhappy relationship.

Sounds an unhappy household for all concerned.

Would you have to sell up? Do you have a mortgage?

Well, life ain't over yet. Do you want to spend the rest of it like this?

What do you imagine things will be like when your daughters leave home, when it's just you and him?

Would you want your daughters to be with such men in future? Maybe it's time to show them it's not enough and you don't have to stick out an unhappy marriage.

How many years til your DD’s are at Uni?

Sounds like it is going to happen at some point you just need to work out when the best time will be.

What are are the kids? If any are in their GCSE years I’d wait for example. Stop organising his life for him though, if he feels controlled then just do nothing for him and let him live his separate life.

My parents stayed together despite not getting on. I always thought I never wanted a relationship like theirs, it wasn’t a good example. They finally split when I was in my early 30s. Ironically they got on so much better after they split, and remained friends forever.

edited to add - as the above poster says, don’t do it around important exams, but otherwise do it

Just a few years until uni so yes, maybe I stick it out until then, there’s never a good time though is there? Yes, mortgage so yes we’d have to sell up I think. I’ve looked into it several times but never taken the jump. Thanks, I appreciate your thoughts

Mine did too (stayed together despite not getting on)

I always think about how the kids are learning that it's ok to be treated like a doormat or spoken down to or taken advantage of. If one of your daughters came to you and said their partner was treating them like this what would your response be?
You're still young, it might mean a bit of a change of lifestyle but you'd feel better in yourself I'd imagine. Could you trial a separation? It's a huge change to everything you've known so be extra kind to yourself. You never know, it might shake him up enough to change and help a bit more. I wasted 5 years of my life with an ex partner and still regret it.

I wouldn't do it (if I had the choice which I didn't) in an exam year.

You may not need to sell the house - my ExH bought me out.

To be honest it has really been a fresh start for me in a new area and now my kids are at and finishing uni we have a much more adult and better relationship.

There is never a good time, but if they are in GCSEs or A levels then there is a ‘worse’ time. Have you got your own savings ready for the split? You could use the few years to put yourself in the best position for it

i don’t have any savings (because I pay for the majority of things day to day!) which is why it would mean selling up and being short of money at an expensive time (going to uni if that’s what they decide to do)

Does he have savings? What’s he spending his money on?

We share the mortgage and bills, I’m exaggerating when I say I pay for most things, I pay for the girls’ things. We live in an expensive city, both earn decent salaries but there’s not much left over after the essentials.

Could you separate but continue living in the same house until the DC are in a better position etc? No sleeping together, cooking, no washing etc for him. Sounds like he's deliberately sabotaging things such as the freezer etc.

That’s sort of how we live now - separate lives which is how my parents lived until they got divorced when I was about 18.
i don’t think it’s deliberate, he’s irresponsible and doesn’t care about the things that I care about.

I am right in the thick off a separation with a child doing GCSE's so it's a tough time all round. Have you thought about what you want when you separate with your husband, i.e. your future alone, how it will look. Reason im asking is I hadn't, I was just so consumed with feeling, I didn't want to be with him for so many reasons and when asked it threw me. It's hard to find the right answer but if you can't see a future together or retirement together scares you, then listen to this. Hope this helps a little

Thank you, I’ve only thought about not having to share my life and home with someone I don’t get on with - nothing beyond that really.
i wish you happiness in the future, you are probably braver than me

So you're basically repeating what your parents did.

Possibly but my kids’ lives are very different from my own as a child.

In what way?

Similar situation to you OP. I was "in charge" of everything at home, on top of a senior job (earning double his salary), toddler and it was thoroughly exhausting. Covid proved too much and I cracked. Often got accused of not "letting him" do stuff and I thought I was a bossy bitch which I now recognise was bullsh*t. He simply wasn't interested or capable of home life and maintaining the marriage relationship.

LOL at your comment on the freezer door being left ajar. I had that a lot too.

Left the marriage with my DS. I do feel pangs of regret but the reality of staying in the bad marriage was making me unwell and I realised that life is too short.

I think in your position I would take some time to read up on the divorce process and assess what your financial position might be, so you can make an informed decision knowing the implications for your life going forwards. Worth seeing a solicitor for some advice, either with a free half hour or paying for an initial chat.
For example, if you had to sell the family home could you afford to buy in an area that would enable your children to stay at the same school? Do you want to stay in the area long term - moving is expensive so you might decide to put off taking any action until they are both at uni and you have more freedom to move to a different area?

Well done you, there’s not really more than one way of shutting a freezer is there? It’s either open or it’s closed, it’s not ‘my way’ is it!

Read your OP again and I do think you have tried to live in an unhappy marriage for the sake of your kids and keeping the family unit together. It sounds like this has been wearing you down and doesn't sound like he has changed. You can only flog a dead horse for so long. I am weary of saying LTB but you do need to consider what you want long term. I keep telling myself that I may be a single mother now and it is lonely but not as lonely as being completely ignored in a marriage.

Thank you, Yes- I’ve done that so have a pretty good idea that we’d have to sell up and buy two flats if we stayed in this area (which I’d need to do for the kids).
It’s looking like the I need to wait a few more years until the kids move to the next stage and I can be more flexible - which is useful advice