I’d be really grateful for some advice. I want to get divorced but know that would mean selling the family home, moving into a flat and being very short of money. If I explain my life I wonder if others think that I should do it and that we would all be happier? I’d be grateful for some suggestions on what I should do. I have lots of friends but I don’t have a supportive family and would be very much on my own if I did get divorced.
I am 51, my husband is 60, we have two teenage daughters. We both work full time in senior (ish) jobs. I earn more than him. I do the vast majority of the housework, cooking, shopping, childcare (obvs not really child care now that they are older but things like dentist, picking up and dropping off from friends, helping with homework, sorting out problems with friends or school when they arise) and I do all of the home admin like sorting out bills, switching broadband provider, booking holidays etc . I do the gardening, I programme the central heating, put the bins out and unblock the plug holes. I buy all the birthday and Christmas presents, make arrangements to see his family from time to time. I arrange social engagements but we socialise separately nowadays.
My husband is mr helpful and happy at work and around acquaintances but is often sullen at home. I know that I don’t make him happy.
He accuses me of wanting to control him and our life, and needing things done my way. I believed him for many years and thought that the problems in our marriage were my fault.
I shoulder all the responsibility for family life but am accused of being controlling when I ask for help with anything. If I ask him to unload the dishwasher or empty the bin he will ignore me or say ‘I might do’ then probably won’t do it. He often leaves the back door unlocked at night or the freezer ajar and if I express irritation he will sulk for several days and say I want to control him.
We have both accepted that our marriage is now just a matter of going through the motions to maintain a family life but I resent shouldering all the responsibility and paying for most things. I don’t enjoy his company, find him unattractive (he’s overweight and nearly ten years older than me which is probably more obvious now than it was twenty years ago).
I arranged for us to go to relate about ten years ago. It was fairly useful but nothing changed - I think we both decided to just rub along together until the kids were older. My children’s happiness is more important to me than my own.
The girls are doing well at school, have friends and enjoy having their own rooms, lots of clothes and make up, the food they like, trips out when they want them but both are quite anxious, introverted young people - they know that their parents don’t have a great marriage but we don’t row in front of them and do all the things that ‘normal’ families do.
I read lots of threads on here and think that strangers often give really good advice, so often women say it’s the best thing they did (getting divorced) and that it’s better for everyone than staying in an unhappy relationship but I find that hard to believe. Maybe I’m not brave enough to do anything about it but I feel like I’ve wasted my life in an unhappy relationship.