Is getting divorced the right thing to do?

[lrjb40]

I’d be really grateful for some advice. I want to get divorced but know that would mean selling the family home, moving into a flat and being very short of money. If I explain my life I wonder if others think that I should do it and that we would all be happier? I’d be grateful for some suggestions on what I should do. I have lots of friends but I don’t have a supportive family and would be very much on my own if I did get divorced.

I am 51, my husband is 60, we have two teenage daughters. We both work full time in senior (ish) jobs. I earn more than him. I do the vast majority of the housework, cooking, shopping, childcare (obvs not really child care now that they are older but things like dentist, picking up and dropping off from friends, helping with homework, sorting out problems with friends or school when they arise) and I do all of the home admin like sorting out bills, switching broadband provider, booking holidays etc . I do the gardening, I programme the central heating, put the bins out and unblock the plug holes. I buy all the birthday and Christmas presents, make arrangements to see his family from time to time. I arrange social engagements but we socialise separately nowadays.
My husband is mr helpful and happy at work and around acquaintances but is often sullen at home. I know that I don’t make him happy.

He accuses me of wanting to control him and our life, and needing things done my way. I believed him for many years and thought that the problems in our marriage were my fault.
I shoulder all the responsibility for family life but am accused of being controlling when I ask for help with anything. If I ask him to unload the dishwasher or empty the bin he will ignore me or say ‘I might do’ then probably won’t do it. He often leaves the back door unlocked at night or the freezer ajar and if I express irritation he will sulk for several days and say I want to control him.

We have both accepted that our marriage is now just a matter of going through the motions to maintain a family life but I resent shouldering all the responsibility and paying for most things. I don’t enjoy his company, find him unattractive (he’s overweight and nearly ten years older than me which is probably more obvious now than it was twenty years ago).

I arranged for us to go to relate about ten years ago. It was fairly useful but nothing changed - I think we both decided to just rub along together until the kids were older. My children’s happiness is more important to me than my own.
The girls are doing well at school, have friends and enjoy having their own rooms, lots of clothes and make up, the food they like, trips out when they want them but both are quite anxious, introverted young people - they know that their parents don’t have a great marriage but we don’t row in front of them and do all the things that ‘normal’ families do.
I read lots of threads on here and think that strangers often give really good advice, so often women say it’s the best thing they did (getting divorced) and that it’s better for everyone than staying in an unhappy relationship but I find that hard to believe. Maybe I’m not brave enough to do anything about it but I feel like I’ve wasted my life in an unhappy relationship.

Thanks. I'm not sure it's so much well done to me. I do try and remind myself a lot why I left and I often do have to give myself a good shake when I regret leaving. The reality of the situation was terrible, I know in my heart of hearts it was the right thing to do but doesn't make it easier somehow.

I would suggest if you can confiding in friends and family IRL so you have support either way.

Another thing to consider is whether splitting the finances would be easier prior to your husband's retirement.

He hasn’t made any plans whatsoever for his retirement, I’ve got a pretty good pension though which, I understand he would be entitled to some of in any financial settlement

Would an option be to stay living together while you sell the house, use some of proceeds to rent for a while (assuming that you can’t afford to buy something with enough space for your children); buy a flat or whatever you can afford once they leave home? May not be ideal financially but might be a path to leaving without too negative impact on your girls.

I’m divorced. I couldn’t live my life pretending. Many people do. In fact I went out for dinner this weekend and saw a couple sitting with their kids and they looked like they hated each other just from body language and not communicating. I couldn’t be that person. Yes it’s been tough and still is as a single parent some days but I’m so much happier. Financial side is toughest in some ways but it’s my money now. I knew I couldn’t get to 80 and regret my life. You have 2 options fix it or leave and change it.

Life is what you make it. Go get a good life and don't look back in 30 years time wondering what on earth happend.

My parents stayed together for our sake and whilst I am grateful in the sense that I know they thought they were doing the right thing, in reality they should have just broken up. Living with unhappy parents isn’t great in my experience.

I am in a pretty similar position. Mine has just thrown a curve ball though by retiring, without discussion and taking his £30k a year pension that was valued at £800k (transfer value)

It has left me feeling very vulnerable now. I have an income of more than this, and savings that I inherited. I think he has done it on purpose to be honest to leave himself in a better position.

I am glad that I am not the only one (but I’m not glad that you are unhappy too). It’s the type of thing you’d expect to discuss isn’t it?!
if I had savings or inherited some money I’d definitely split up.

You need to do it sooner rather than later if he is older than you and you are the higher earner.

Right now he has "time" to earn money before retirement and you are likely to be the resident parent so entitled to a larger share of the house. Their loans would also be based solely on your income I think, so they might be entitled to more money when they head to uni.

Once the DC have left for uni in a few years time and your husband is closer to retirement you will take a big financial hit.

I waited too long in my marriage that was the same as yours. I intended to split when the younger child went to
university and Was waiting for the no fault divorce law and then covid struck and delayed further. I don’t regret it because I knew it would be a shitstorm with him when it happened and did not want that while he children were going through school exams. He has been unbelievably spiteful but am so glad I left when I did and have a few more years of active life without his toxic presence. I was do undermined by him but am recovering my self-esteem that was so damaged.

I would say it’s much better for me in some ways getting divorced, I’ve found my Dp and he makes me really happy. We are very well suited prob because he’s a bit younger than me and doesn’t think like a caveman.

My children were doing a 50/50 split and my older teenage daughter says she resents it so been flexible with where she stays as the split wasn’t her choice and I fully accept that so try to centre around the kids as much as possible.
I had to start working full time and I’m lucky I’m in a very well paid job but with only one income coming in I do cut spending on myself while continuing to spend on the DC like I was when married. I do often worry about my mortgage but when DP moves in he will pay half the bills so will be a relief to stare this and have his company full time more importantly as I’m waiting for older DD to go to uni before he moves in. We’ve taken it slow but spend 4 nights min together per week.

You sound really unhappy and in time your DC will understand. More importantly you are doing so much on your own already so you can do this!

This sounds so bloody miserable 🥺
If you’ve no intention of changing things yet then perhaps start to channel all of your energies into planning and facilitating your get out.
In the meantime, a firm chat with him to set your stall
out about your expectations, what you will and won’t be doing or putting up with any longer is a must.
Life is far too short to put up with this and your kids will be so much happier away from this miserable relationship too.
good luck 💐

I also have a DH who says I’m controlling, yet I do the majority of the housework etc. So no I don’t want you going upstairs in shoes when I’m the one that hoovers! If you don’t like it, move out!
My DH is also older than me and the age gap seems to get bigger as we age.
Id be far worse off financially if we split, but the lack of irritation in my life would be worth it.

It sounds like you're repeating your own parents marriage.

Would you want your daughters to be in a marriage like yours?

Why not break the pattern and be an example to your daughters by wanting more for yourself. More for them.

That’s useful thanks, difficult to balance doing it sooner rather than later with avoiding exam years 😬

Thank you, I do intend to change things but the time has never been right, new school years, exams, ill parents etc etc

Are you going to do it? is disrupting the kids’ lives, struggling financially too big a price to pay for the lack of irritation though? I think that’s what I’ve grappled with for years.

@lrjb40 the time will never be right so start putting things in place the may be more gradual. But eventually you will have to take that leap. It can be scary but equally liberating as you sound so unhappy x

There's never the right time. Maybe you should talk to him about splitting up? Or perhaps you have? I'd certainly stop doing his admin iyswim. It sounds a little too comfortable for him. Life's short, make the most of it.

Btw, if you stay there's a good chance that you will end up nursing him. Which is fine if you've experienced a 40 year loving relationship. If not????

You are right, that has crossed my mind.

It’s become too toxic between us, there’s no way back from what has been said/done. I’m just waiting for the exams to be over.

Good luck to you

OP ive said this before on other threads, but dont leave it too late. I have a useless alcoholic H. He had a stroke last year and i am now his carer. He is not much older than me but is like an old man (im 49) I am stuck because he cant look after himself and there are no facilities for someone like him (he is not old enough, nor disabled enough) and even if there were, we couldnt afford it. So im holding out another 4 years because then he will be eligible for an over 55 flat with care assist. I can sell the house and hopefully be freem We muddle through. He forgets we are separated sometimes, which is just great. The kids know what the situation is, but I wish Id left when it was easier.