Do people in happy marriages/relationships understand single life ?

[Ohwellithappens]

I live on my own, no partner no children. I find that my married friends/relationship just don't get it... firstly they talk about going on holiday alone and how great that must be, freedom etc but none actually do even though they can leave their husband at home for a few days. Or worse they consider going on holiday with an adult child the same as going alone because their husband is at home. Next it's the changing of plans when I have turned down invites not really appreciating that I am now on my own whereas they are at home but not alone and have company. Or the assumption I have a stack of cash somewhere because I don't have children...I also only have one income and need that stack of cash as if I lose my job, get ill etc I have no other financial support. It's just beginning to bug me a little...

Think your friends are inconsiderate.

Don't know what you mean about the cancelling of plans when you can't make it?

That said, I think single people sssume every married person is in a happy and fulfilling relationship, which I suspect isn't true for many

I would think they understand it. People in relationships now were single in the past, or in some occasion through the life.
People with kids, didn't born with them, so yes, people knows about it. I think is more of the case of assumptions. Everybody assumes and if you are single with a good work: Oh dear, you are living "La vida loca" full of cash and with no responsibilities. Etc, etc.
Well I can assumed all the people in relationships with kids have lovely family dinners every day, and I don't think that is the case.

The friends that I refer to were of course single once, in the same way I was 20 once but when more of your life is spent being married then single it's pretty easy to not really remember the feeling. And being single at 50 plus is quite different.

What are you not getting from your friends that you think you would if they understood your single life better?

They don't understand it to the extent you do, but at the same time you don't understand their situation as they do.

Perhaps married people don't always understand the single life (unless they lived it themselves before).

Same as single people don't always understand the married life.

There may be times you do or say something which shows you don't understand their situation. You might even upset or offend them by doing that, without meaning to.

People live in many different ways - not just single v coupled up, but children / no children, career / no job, higher eduction / not, got lots of family / haven't, different financial situations. We all just muddle along and hopefully give a thought to how people's different situation might affect them, and try not to upset people.

I think if your friends are regularly upsetting you, they perhaps just aren't very good friends.

What do you mean ‘the changing of plans when I have turned down invites’? I mean, irritating obviously to have turned down something else and your friends to then flake out of the arrangement, but that’s the same for everyone. I don’t think they should be paying extra consideration to never cancelling plans with you because you’re single? What is it you want them to do differently? Never cancel plans? Acknowledge that you’re not happy being single?

My two longterm single friends (early to mid-50s, decades single) are two of the most fulfilled people I know.

I think it’s probably easy to forget.

I tend to assume people are happily single or single by choice. Of course a running theme amongst me and my friends (both sexes) when I was single mid 30s (not that long ago) was meeting someone. I actually remember being lonely quite a lot also.

I don't understand your concern that they might change their plans when you turn down an invite either?

I think you would find it irritating the other way round too. Replace ‘it must be nice to holiday on your own’ with ‘oh poor you not having anyone to go on holiday with, you must be so sad’. People tend to assume you’ve chosen the life you have and are content with it.. it’s really up to you to state otherwise and ask for sympathy or support from friends.

I don’t really understand the bit about changing plans when you can’t make it. How does that affect you when you weren’t going anyway?

Most of my single friends (mid 40’s) have far more disposable income than me either through earning more or not having the drains of paying for childcare etc.

Im sure there are pros and cons to every arrangement. Happy marriages seem to be few and far between in my friend groups

It does sound like you have experienced inconsiderate treatment and have some flaky friends. Changing plans at the last minute is annoying if you are left twiddling your thumbs, or left with childcare arranged and nowhere to go. Regarding holidays, most people have limited time and money, so often prioritise going with family over going alone. Either way, other people's choices between family and solo holidays doesn't affect you. Unless you mean you'd like a friend to go on holiday with, and you don't like them prioritising family holidays? That may well change as the kids get older.

I don’t really understand the bit about changing plans when you can’t make it. How does that affect you when you weren’t going anyway?

Me neither- can you explain what you mean by this as if you werent going anyway, why does it matter?

Sure, it's possible that people with different lifestyles sometimes forget how others feel but that happens both ways. I was the first to have kids out of my friends and they regularly didnt understand how I couldn't just drop everything when I had a baby to go out drinking with them. I tried to explain that I had noone to babysit and that looking after a baby when you're hungover is literal hell but they didnt really get it because they could all lie in until noon and spend the rest of the day eating junk food and napping.

I have also talked about dreaming about a holiday alone but I dont actually do it because its not really that practical to say to everyone well, I'm off see you later when you have family responsibilities so I think you're taking that a little too literally.

I am sorry you feel alone but you also have some personal responsibility to address that if it's becoming an issue in your life- you cant rely on other people to meet all your needs, noone can. If you are lonely, then go out and join some clubs or search for activities online you can participate in.

Or, maybe your friends are just a bit shit? in which case make a plan to meet more people/make new friends.

I think the OP means she has turned down other invitations to accept one, and when the friend/s she’s supposed to be doing something with changes plans, she’s left home alone, which she feels they should take more care about.

If your friends are flaky then yes I agree thats annoying but anyone can be flaky, single or coupled up. However, how does them holidaying with their adult child affect you? I love my friends but I dont have enough disposable income or annual leave to have multiple holidays a year so of course I am going to prioritise a family holiday over a holiday with friends.

Many of my friends also like being single and have chosen to be single so it would be quite patronising and a bit rude of me to assume they are all lonely and need me to plug the gaps in their lives as that is assuming their lives are somehow "less" than mine and they arent. They all lead full, interesting lives and it would never occur to me to feel any kind of pity for them as I would assume if they really wanted a partner, they'd go out and actively seek one.

I agree with you. I stopped being single in my early 20s. I have no understanding at all of single life as a mature adult.

No they don't get it OP. And you don't get them either.

So what are your options?

To sit at home or to find a passion and throw yourself into something else that isn't a relationship or family.

Well, me too. And I'd be happy to be corrected on any assumptions made out of that ignorance. Not so sure I'd want to be drawn into a friendship that demanded I see everything through the lens of this difference though

Oh ok- this makes sense. Yes that is very annoying. My most flaky friend is single however, so I dont think flakiness is necessarily connected to being in a couple though.

But yes, if someone is continually flaky then I would simply stop making plans with them. Sometimes people get ill or emergencies happen but if its constant flaking then I wouldnt be making plans with them, or, I'd arrange a group meeting so that if they didnt show it wouldnt matter as others would also be there.

Oh yeah, this would make sense, this is annoying and, outside of illness, incredibly bad manners.

Yes, exactly. I spent a night sleeping over at a longterm single friend’s house this week after an event, and what struck me strongly was that here was a space set up for and by someone leading exactly the life she wants and who, if she didn’t find her life satisfying, would change it.

Sure, but the OP thinks it’s worse to cancel plans on a single person.

It's basically this isnt it? no, they probably dont and equally, you dont get them either.

Therefore, plan your life and find things to do that make you happy and fulfilled that dont rely solely on others who have family responsibilities they have to put first.

You mean, they don't get YOUR life.
I'm happy to be single and would far rather go on holiday on my own than with someone else, for example.
It does feel like you don't find them supportive though. Maybe tell them what youre struggling with if you feel close enough to any of them.

Yes, why not? I know plenty of people who are single. Sometimes I envy them their lack of responsibility for others and the ability to make choices for themselves where I have to take others into account. Mostly they seem happy with their lives, though not all would tell me if they weren't. It's also not always a bed of roses being coupled up, you know. I also enjoy my own company and have several hobbies that I do alone.

But I admit that I would be daunted if I suddenly found myself completely alone. I guess I'd work it out, however.