Do people in happy marriages/relationships understand single life ?

[Ohwellithappens]

I live on my own, no partner no children. I find that my married friends/relationship just don't get it... firstly they talk about going on holiday alone and how great that must be, freedom etc but none actually do even though they can leave their husband at home for a few days. Or worse they consider going on holiday with an adult child the same as going alone because their husband is at home. Next it's the changing of plans when I have turned down invites not really appreciating that I am now on my own whereas they are at home but not alone and have company. Or the assumption I have a stack of cash somewhere because I don't have children...I also only have one income and need that stack of cash as if I lose my job, get ill etc I have no other financial support. It's just beginning to bug me a little...

Like what? What kinds of sacrifices are you thinking of?

I’m single and I’m a bit puzzled by why people would find this comment annoying or superior. Surely they’re just making an observation?

as is often the case with friendship threads, a lot of the comments have been eye opening.

I feel as if the chances of offending someone by accident with a totally innocent observation are really high.

I’m in the grim process of trying to make new friends and torn between thinking I should just be me as there’s nothing to lose, or thinking I have to treat chat as carefully as a piece of porcelain.

I’ve never dated online either. Why is it offensive that Sue wouldn’t want to try it if her Dave died?

@EmeraldRoulette I think it's very easy to say when you're in a relationship/marriage that came about before internet dating that you wouldn't do iinternet dating, but that's completely theoretical, the people who often say this don't appreciate that it's much harder to meet someone in later life also they don't know how it feels to be single for many years. When people say if their partner popped his clogs etc, I don't think they mean that entirely, perhaps they do, but I also think they don't want to say " if DH left me, or we got divorced" It's not offensive, that's far too strong but it does sound a bit superior in my view, to say you would never do internet dating if you a)are in a relationship and don't have to or b) saying it when you have spent a big chunk of your life in a relationship..

I've lived both, being coupled up wasn't all that great, being single isn't all great either. Swings and roundabouts.

I've been on more holidays now I'm single than I ever did when I was married(He'd rather spend his money on other things so we never had any for holidays). I enjoy life more but that's due to who I was married to.

I've never really been left our of things and none of my coupled friends have said how great it must be to be single.

Thanks for explaining OP

It sounds as if you feel they look down on it? I think it's more likely they just know they wouldn't want to do it. Nothing is set in stone I guess, (unless Ed Miliband organised it) but I think we all have things we know we wouldn't do.

Something I used to find very hard during the time when I was single and many of my friends were coupled up and having families, was that my friends mattered more to me than I did to them. Which is just the nature of things, to some extent. But it felt so uncomfortable and uneven.

I do notice now that I have a partner and pets and a family and aging parents and am far more needed than I ever wanted to be, that the needs of some my single friends for a relationship as intense as we had in our 20s begins to feel like a lot of pressure and expectation, when I already have more pressure and expectation than I can manage.

It’s nobody’s fault. It is hard to be alone, and it is hard to be totally overwhelmed by others’ needs - and most people live most of their lives somewhere in the middle of these 2 poles.

When I was single raising two kids my main issues were

1. no team
2. no support 3 no money 4 no freedom

and my pet hate comments were

1. men don’t like women they are needy
2. you are being too needy
3. you are being too independent
4. You need to enjoy your children more
5. you need to be happy in yourself more
6. you need to stop looking
7. you’ll find someone when you least expect
8. raise your standards
9. lower your standards
10. Don’t be so fussy etc

I hating dating and on line sites did 3 years to find one decent man and I’m not letting him go

Nope I don't feel they look down on me at all. I am just trying to make the point (quite poorly it seems!) that it's really easy to say you wouldn't do internet dating when you don't have to do internet dating...

I do not think it’s superior to say you wouldn’t want to date again if you are long term married. Men irritate me very easily and I’m actually shocked I found a man I could tolerate. I have three single friends all in their fifties, two get on with it, are good company and are pleasant to be around. One is very much a complainer. There is so much it’s ok for you as you have Mr ViciousCurrent Bun, you have two incomes etc. I am very sorry her life has not worked out how she wanted it to but she has become really mardy about it and she is now annoyed that her two last single friends have just got coupled up. I mean it’s what she wants isn’t it. It’s fine to be sad but it’s when people become bitter it’s an issue.

@Ohwellithappens "I am just trying to make the point (quite poorly it seems!) that it's really easy to say you wouldn't do internet dating when you don't have to do internet dating..."

But some of us would genuinely never do it. I can't use myself as an example because I was never that keen on relationships, but I absolutely know people who would like relationships but won't do internet dating. Of course, they get people telling them they "should" try it.

They might do speed dating, go to events they don't really fancy, in the hope of meeting someone.

Sorry, I know there is a lot of condescending shit directed at single people. I also know how hard it is when you are not important to friends. I've posted endlessly here about the latter. I just thought that particular example was an odd one to find so troublesome.

I certainly know divorced people who have no interest in finding a partner again, in fact their lives are easier now in many ways.

I really don't think they feel superior to you.

I was married for 28 years and am now single 3 years, I think I have a decent understanding of both.

I think as a single person you need a much bigger network because you can't hope to get everything you would get from a partner, from one or two friends.

I also understand about being cancelled and left at home alone. There's a world of difference between staying in to have dinner and watch TV with a DH to doing it alone. That said, I quite like a night in alone too.

You can learn to enjoy holidays alone or do one where you join a group, I've done both and had a great time.

You're right about finances though. Being single is really expensive and I do feel the pressure of all the practical and financial responsibility of running the house/car etc falling to me.

I think a surprising number of people in long realtionships aren't really happy though and your freedom is a valuable thing. You also have a lot more time, when there's no pull on it from a partner.

@Dryplate thank you, I think you do indeed get it !
I have had lots of great holidays alone so it's not about that, the point in my original post was that sometimes it's hard traveling on your own, when things go wrong or it can feel a bit off putting being a lone diner - when married friends suggest that it's the same as travelling with an older child it's just not...
I find being single means a lot more juggling time and friendships as you say. I have lots going on in my life but that doesn't mean that if friends cancel because of x, y, z that I can fill a gap on Saturday.