Do people in happy marriages/relationships understand single life ?

[Ohwellithappens]

I live on my own, no partner no children. I find that my married friends/relationship just don't get it... firstly they talk about going on holiday alone and how great that must be, freedom etc but none actually do even though they can leave their husband at home for a few days. Or worse they consider going on holiday with an adult child the same as going alone because their husband is at home. Next it's the changing of plans when I have turned down invites not really appreciating that I am now on my own whereas they are at home but not alone and have company. Or the assumption I have a stack of cash somewhere because I don't have children...I also only have one income and need that stack of cash as if I lose my job, get ill etc I have no other financial support. It's just beginning to bug me a little...

Well many of us stopped being single in our 20’s and never expected 30 years later to be single again in a dating world that’s completely changed beyond any recognition but life throws us curveballs sometimes.

Tbh I don’t have the same problems as I’ve got a wide mixed circle of couples and other single friends and so there’s always someone to go out with, go on holiday with etc. I do think having other single friends is definitely the key when you’re single at a more mature age.

My H has the only job in our house, he is solely responsible, at the moment for his own, mine and his two teenagers entire financial income. Do you understand that OP? Would you really care?

My perfect holiday is somewhere to people watch and sketch. No one cares about that! Not even the kids we give everything to. I say this because it seems you want someone to put your first. I don't have that. H puts the kids first, the kids put each other first.

So yes life is thankless. A slog, hard, upsetting, lonely.

But the hard work is worth it. Yes with kids and a H the hard work is predetermined perhaps. And it sounds like if you can find a something other to put work, passion, love and energy into then what your friends consider about you will pale into insignificance.

Find a passion OP preferably one outside your house. There must be something. Politics, nature, woman's rights. Even just looking into communal living for singles, with own houses of course. I've looked at them they look amazing.

My H has the only job in our house, he is solely responsible, at the moment for his own, mine and his two teenagers entire financial income. Do you understand that OP? Would you really care?

It's very possible that being single, responsibility for the household's entire financial income is something the OP understands very well.

I'm not sure why she should care about your family situation, though. And there's nothing at all amiss with wanting someone to put you first, even if it is just occasionally.

I have a number of friends and neighbours who are single either on and off or permanently. Some of them have had sad back stories early widow/widowers or cheating partners and some have been single always. Some of them meet nice people and date for a while but for some the relationships haven’t worked out because they were ultimately incompatible. Some have coupled up eventually. Others don’t date and don’t seem bothered about dating. Most seem to get on well and really enjoy their lives irregardless of being single. They have purpose, positive interests, really good connections with other people. They have made a really good life and have a really good outlook on life. Of course I’m not them so I cannot truly say if they are happy but the energy you get from them is generally happy albeit I would imagine lonely at times.

Separately I have a friend and a family member who are single and who really do not do well in relationships at all. It is a tough road for them but in both instances they have stuff to work on in themselves around relationships. They both have extremely high expectations around how others “should” meet their needs and how others “should” spend their time and use their energy which ultimately when they moan about what others do it is always about how others aren’t meeting their needs. They are both quite needy, but also they are domineering and controlling which are almost universally unattractive traits in a partner. They do not generally get on well as single people and as a result they are very negative in their outlook. They do date but never for long because there are always issues a few dates in. Their difficulties with relationships means they are negative about life in general, about being single and since it is obvious to anyone who meets them that they play a significant part in their own issues their negativity around that is not really entertained by others. They have gotten helpful feedback from therapists and friends over the years about their difficulties but they haven’t been in a position to take it in. So instead it is a continuous negative feedback loop and they suffer a lot because of it which is quite sad to see.

Ultimately being able to connect with people is a skill and if it is lacking it can be worked on. Adults cannot look to or expect other people to meet their needs. That is a person’s own job and if they aren’t doing it to their own satisfaction then it is within their control to make changes to themselves to make those connections more possible. Good healthy social connections not just romantic ones, healthy passions and purpose make people happy in my opinion.

I'm not sure why she should care about your family situation, though. And there's nothing at all amiss with wanting someone to put you first, even if it is just occasionally

She shouldnt. The point is- the Op is expecting others to put her first when their first priority (for holidays etc when funds are limited) is naturally going to be to their family. Of course, it's natural to want to be put first but when you are relying on friends who already have partners and kids, you arent going to be their first priority.

I'm sorry, but you just arent. I love my friends dearly, but they arent my first priority in my life- that belongs to my partner and kids, neither would I expect them to make me that either. I see my friends, of course, and support them when they need it but I cannot be everything to everyone and we all have a responsibility to look after our own needs. If you want to be the first priority in someone's life, then you need to look for friends who dont have other priorities that take precedence. Or, look for a partner.

This is exactly the response I mean.

No she shouldn't give a monkey's about my H, just as she is asking do people not single and alone understand her. No they don't. I was just trying to point out the answer to her post in a way that might be illustrative. And I didn't mean my H precisely just one of her friends who might have total financial responsibility for a family home.

Packing up and having to move into a studio flat or whatever, clearly isn't ideal, but it's a fuck of a lot harder if you have kids. It's no one else's problem but the parents, I understand this I truly do, the stakes are higher when you breed. But that's your problem, in our case our problem. No one would come running to help. Just as for OP her house and money is her problem. And no people don't really care outside their four walls.

But to have someone put you first they initially have to remove all the others that "come above" you with your friends and again with a partner and family that's already a list. It just might not happen. Then what? Wanting something is just that wanting. You need to get to accepting and then perhaps doing something.

If people think that having a partner and family is easy, that hard work, compromise, conflict, heartbreak, worry, stress, exasperation, boredom, expense, sacrifice, are not part of the deal they are wrong. Every situation whatever it is, to get the most out of it requires continuous hard work. It doesn't just land in your lap and stay there. Some people can do all that and still have time for friends, not complain or wonder if anyone understands them. If you are feeling misunderstood with your friends talk to them, most people do care and will listen.

@MrsDanversGlidesAgain if another women did show deep concern for H he would hide behind me until they went away 🙂

I don’t understand single life because I’ve been with my DH since I was 20 and looking back, I still wasn’t a fully-fledged adult at that age, so I have never been a single adult. I have also never lived on my own. So no, I don’t understand what single life is like. But I try to be considerate to my single friends and hope they would tell me if I was getting things wrong.

They both have extremely high expectations around how others “should” meet their needs and how others “should” spend their time and use their energy which ultimately when they moan about what others do it is always about how others aren’t meeting their needs. They are both quite needy, but also they are domineering and controlling which are almost universally unattractive traits in a partner. They do not generally get on well as single people and as a result they are very negative in their outlook

Yes, I know people like this too- everything centred around their needs but they dont ever seem to exert much effort on anyone else's needs.

Neediness is so off-putting. Its feels like way too much pressure to have that kind of responsibility for someone else's apparent happiness. The sad thing is, if they actually took time/effort to make themselves happy, they'd be less of a burden to others and people would actually want to spend time with them because they'd be much more relaxed and less draining. It's a vicious cycle but they just cant see it.

I think it would do everyone good to live on their own at some point, even if just for a bit.

My first impulse is always to feel sorry for people who don’t have their homes to themselves but I know that’s U, that most people don’t feel that way, & I’d obviously never say it to anyone.

I split with my ex 10 years ago, it took me several years of sharing & lodging to get to the stage where I could afford a place of my own - I nearly cried with joy when I could finally close my own front door. I think most people who know me are well aware that I love being single & childfree, & if anyone sympathised with me about either of those I’d probably just laugh.

I'm a single mum and know what you mean. I'd be lost without dd now as an older teen but when she was little it was hugely isolating. I couldn't go out unless I had a spare £50 for babysitting, then deal with mum guilt and never fully relax.

I have been on a weekend break with a partnered friend and dd who is bf with mine, that was lovely, but only has happened once in 16 years of friendship!

Apologies. I have confused my message. What I meant to say is my friends who are married and with children, my friends are mid 50s will regularly re arrange plans or cancel last minute. I will have turned down other invites. The impact on me is that I am alone but they are with their families. Often they cancel because they are basically a bit tired, would rather do things another time...
I have been married so I do know what being married is like and I have been in long relationships so the difference is that in those situations if a friend cancelled it could still do things with my partner or have someone to watch TV. And unusually very few of my friends are in unhappy relationships.

Often they cancel because they are basically a bit tired, would rather do things another time...

Ah, well my sympathies there- I cant stand flaky friends. I think it's really rude to keep making plans with people and then backing out. Can you have a word and tell them that you've turned down other things to make time? If they dont appreciate that then they are a bit selfish really

I would suspect that living on their own, the OP fully well understands what having the sole income in a household entails. The difference being, she doesn’t have the option for that to change anytime soon.

I do get you op. I have married friends who make vague plans and will cancel or just not confirm because their weekends just get busy with family. I have stopped making plans with one particular friend, and make vague noises if she wants to meet because it's all so vague with her. She's welcome to come to mine or I will only commit if we make definite plans. I just don't invest as much in those friendships any more. It's nice to see them but I don't go out of my way anymore. I decided to not meet up with a group of married friends recently because I didn't want to spend that time and money on a meal listening to their super busy and full lives. I've accepted our lives are quite different now and we won't see each other as much and that's fine. I will make it to the next coffee meetup though as want to keep the friendships more casual.

I know what you mean OP, although I do have children I find it infuriating when I ask a friend or one of my siblings if they want to meet for coffee they say “I’ll ask the boss” as if they can’t do anything without making sure their spouse is ok with it, and then I don’t hear back from them as they’re too busy living their married life to bother - they don’t need the adult company (or at least not from me!) as they already have an inbuilt social life at home.

I also find it really annoying when people talk to you about dating - citing that they met their OH in a pub or at a club and could never do online dating. The dating scene has changed beyond recognition from 20+ years ago, men have changed, the majority of them (on dating sites) are players and liars but when you go out they’re not looking to chat up 50 year olds in the pub, so what’s the alternative? “Oh if my Dave died then I wouldn’t want to find anyone else, I’d just live alone”. Yeah. Try it.

Yes of course I do. I lived on my own for years before my now dh moved in. It was lonely at times but I didn't always feel it.

This is very true. The number of married people/in relationships who say they would rather be single than internet date if hubby popped his clogs is quite irritating and a tad superior.

As a pp said there is perhaps a lack of consideration or understanding on both sides often.

I’m currently in a relationship but don’t live with my partner and for most of my adult life I’ve been single.

A childhood friend of mine used to use me as her 24/7 personal therapist - unpaid of course, burdening really heavy things onto me and frequently ask to lend money from me.

I later figured out from various things she did and said, she kind of targeted me as she feels my life is easy due to not having kids, or living with a partner.

It was an absolute cheek when I think of it now that she was living work her partner but borrowing money from me. I always said she didn’t need to pay it back and she never which is fine because that’s what I offered but again with hindsight I do think she took the piss a bit! And worse still the fact she didn’t consider as a single person I dealt with a lot myself as it is and I wasn’t the best person for her to unload all her trauma onto when she had a partner, despite the fact I did let her know that I was struggling myself at various points and got to the point where I stated that I had my own challenges as a single person. She would pretend to listen then just carry on as before. I no longer listen to her.

But yes I agree some single people probably do assume things are all rosy with married people too.

And many of my married /coupled friends are very considerate. A few years back I was going to be alone for Christmas and a married friend invited me to spend Christmas with him & his wife and kids. They made me feel so welcome!

I have another married friend who always makes a big deal out of me on my birthday like sending lovely messages or gifts even though I’m not someone who really celebrates it that much most years.

ETA: said friend also once said to me she was GLAD I was single because she wouldn’t be able to cope without my help 🤮 and yeah I now see how toxic and selfish that was and admit my own role in enabling the dynamics of that friendship.

Im long term single and in my 50s and I admit I’m fascinated by those that are coupled. I’m not sure I would easily be able to make the sacrifices they have to make. Many of my friends are coupled up and some of the things they have to worry about or consider before making decisions is interesting to me. I also let them know I’m free to meet up whenever as I don’t have those types of obligations, so they usually drive invites to meet up.

The only friend who said similar to me is the least independent person I know, never drives herself, has never put petrol in her car, never booked anything herself. Her dh does it all.

What do you want your friends to do or say that they're not op?

Hands down, my flakiest friend, the one who is most likely to cancel last minute is single.

Maybe sometimes it's just people's personality op. Not their relationship status 🤷🏻‍♀️

The number of married people/in relationships who say they would rather be single than internet date if hubby popped his clogs is quite irritating and a tad superior

I dont consider that "superior" at all- I have heard the stories my friends tell me from Tinder etc and they are saying it's shit and full of lying idiots looking for women half their age. It sounds bloody awful so hardly surprising many people would prefer to remain single. Just because you dont like being single, doesnt mean noone else prefers it. You saying "pop their clogs" is also really dismissive and minimising of the impact grief can have on someone who has lost their partner of many years. If that was the love of their life, and they've lost them, why is it so weird or "superior" that they might prefer not to look for someone else?

I’m single at 55 and completely agree. All of my attached friends say they would never bother trying to meet anyone else if they lost their OH. And tbh most of my single mates feel that they can’t get arsed with a man now either. Very few of my single mates are actively looking to meet anyone now, they’re all far happier single and nicely settled into a stress free life.

I don’t see it as weird or superior at all. It’s realistic and pretty normal I’d say