Am I being controlling or him or both of us?!

[Venu]

Hi, My partner and I have just bought a new build home through Taylor Wimpey and as with all new builds, we have to pick the interior.

My partner has always had an issue with being in control and wanting everything his way. I believe in compromise and give and take, so will often bend in situations to accommodate his needs. The problem is, he has paid for this house and will pay for everything in it as I get paid so much less. So he is very set on wanting his own way with everything due to the fact he has paid for it!

I have clear ideas on what I want the furniture to be like and what surfaces I'd like. We agree on some things like the flooring and cupboards. I am finding it tiring that there is so much he doesn't agree with and as a result, the house will turn into a clinical waiting room or hospital with no originality.

I would've preferred an older place with more character and a bigger garden, but I compromised as I wasn't investing any money into it and my partner was stressed about all the work and expense we would need to do on renovating an old place.

This will be my new home as well, so obviously I don't want to live in a house where the furnishings and fittings are all chosen by him. Just wondered what others felt. By the way, I do feel fortunate to be in this situation and have a brand new home to move into so feel bad complaining!!

Who owns the home?

You say he's paid for it all, but who's on the deeds?

If it's both of you, then I'd say he needs to compromise. If you're not, then he gets to choose.

I would add to that the idea that winning at all costs in any relationship makes the individual win and the relationship lose.

Ask him if he wants that, to make you lose all the time, and if he is happy putting that energy out there....

Hmm...its your home too! Is he treating you like a legal partner (are you on the deeds?) or is he treating you like a lodger? Does he see it as his home or your joint home?
My DH had a lot of savings, I didn't. He paid the deposit and he pays the mortgage. However, he never treats it as his home only. It's our home - legally we own it 50/50. He's always let me make decisions about the house - mostly because he has no interest in home decor! But if he was interested then it would definitely be a joint decision. We chose the sofas, bed and TV together. I chose things like cushions, rugs, paintings, colour schemes etc.

Thanks everyone. I am not on the deeds and haven't contributed a single penny at this stage. I do plan on contributing to furniture and various things we need to buy.

He made the point that if we went in 50/50 then I would have just as much say, but there was never any way I could afford to do that so it was never an option.

I said that I am not a housemate or lodger so I need to have a say over what we have in the house. I am willing to compromise but his ideas are terrible. Like horrible orange tiles and a steel/metal table for instance. I know I will have to give in to some items but it won't work if I feel completely railroaded (not sure if that is a word!!).

I work with people who live in terrible conditions and it would be a dream to be in my position so I feel so guilty and privileged to be in this position.

So you are his gf or bf living in his house that he is paying for so yes he gets to choose. You may not be a housemate or owner but if you split it stays his house and you won't be living there.

As for furniture I would each buy individual items so you know what is yours to take with you later.

I am confused though that you say his choices re clinical but then refer to orange tiles that are anything but.

OP, it is NOT your house in any shape or form. You are foolish to be buying furniture forva house thatbis not yours and never will be.
The minute this relationship is over, YOU will be out that door.
You need to prepare for that inevitable day by having a savings fund for a deposit on a flat for yourself.
You are so vulnerable and would be so foolish to spend a penny on his home.
If he asks you for some rent, that is reasonable because you are lodging with him. Be sensible, realistic, and protect yourself.

You have placed yourself in a poor legal position here re this man. You have no legal rights here and you certainly could have been named on a mortgage. He now has every right to tell you to leave this property as it’s now his and his alone. My guess is he does not want to share this property with you.

Have you discussed chores and housework?.

Is he really the man for you?. I would have a long and hard think about this relationship altogether because he is likely to be laying down the law here to you in other ways. What’s he like when you actually say no to him or are you afraid of his reaction?.

When I first bought a house, I had a mate move in with me as a lodger. He paid a certain amount each month in rent.

He didn't get a say in decorating. (Actually, I think I told him he could repaint his room if he wanted to)

You're not even paying rent, why would you get a say?

If you are not on the deeds and are not contributing then you have not just bought a house together, he has bought a house.

How long have you been together, why are you not on the deeds/mortgage?

Also you say that his ideas are terrible, they probably aren't they are just different to yours! And seeing as it's actually his house...

How long have you been together OP?

You're not married, you're not on the deeds, and you're not putting any money into it. With all due respect, it's entirely his house that he's free to decorate as he chooses.

You have no legal rights here at all, you're already in a precarious legal position and you'd be a fool to sink money into buying furniture and decorating for a house that isn't yours in any way except that a man is allowing you to live there.

Absolutely this.

You haven't bought a house, your boyfriend has and therefore has the right to choose what goes in it.

Don't pay towards a house that you don't own.

If you split you will have nothing.

I moved into now DH’s flat and obviously everything in it was his. When we bought together I was on mortgage and deeds even though he was the higher earner and I hadn’t contributed anything. I still had a say in everything we bought. Or chose. As it was for OUR home for OUR future.

Absolutely this op. This is fine as long as you keep your eyes open and are aware of your legal position. This is his house, not your joint home. Do not buy anything you can’t take with you if this relationship does not work out.

Now this is HIS home for HIS future. He does not want to share this with you.

May I ask how long you and he have been together?

Keep all receipts of every item you personally buy for his house. Do not buy anything that you cannot take away with you if this does not work out.

Thanks for your comments, as always. We aren't married, and I have been with him for 20 years (he has two grown-up children, and I have no children). I haven't contributed to the new house so far.

We have lived together for about 6 years in another house and I have contributed to bills and towards his mortgage.

I have my own house (thanks to my parents who helped me with a deposit). This was a long time before I met him. I have some savings too and have a savings plan if things were to go pear-shaped.

I want some say in the house as we plan to live there for our many years. Just like anyone, I have views and if I was in his position there would have to be give and take.

Even though he has brought the house, you’re moving together and it’s your joint home. I agree you should have a say in how its decorated.

To be fair, he has consulted me with everything so far. It would be different if we were married no doubt, but his divorce was brutal it left him in financial ruin when I first met him. So he is very burnt by that.

I guess you have not discussed the housework and chores issues then.

Were you named on the mortgage or title deeds on this previous property?. If not why did you ever agree to pay a part of his mortgage costs?.

How do you see this relationship move at all forwards if you’ve been together for two decades without marriage?. Or does he not want that with you either?.

The problem you now have is that this is solely his house and he’s calling the shots here on decor. He does not want to adopt a give and take position and he can discard your views all too easily here. Thankfully you have your own property, I would now seriously consider how you can move into it.

How has he really consulted you re his purchase of a property now?. He’s done what he wanted to do. He would not let you have an equal say in it unless you went 50/50 with him which you could not do.

He’s not blaming his ex for his brutal divorce leaving him in apparent financial ruin is he?.