Am I being controlling or him or both of us?!

[Venu]

Hi, My partner and I have just bought a new build home through Taylor Wimpey and as with all new builds, we have to pick the interior.

My partner has always had an issue with being in control and wanting everything his way. I believe in compromise and give and take, so will often bend in situations to accommodate his needs. The problem is, he has paid for this house and will pay for everything in it as I get paid so much less. So he is very set on wanting his own way with everything due to the fact he has paid for it!

I have clear ideas on what I want the furniture to be like and what surfaces I'd like. We agree on some things like the flooring and cupboards. I am finding it tiring that there is so much he doesn't agree with and as a result, the house will turn into a clinical waiting room or hospital with no originality.

I would've preferred an older place with more character and a bigger garden, but I compromised as I wasn't investing any money into it and my partner was stressed about all the work and expense we would need to do on renovating an old place.

This will be my new home as well, so obviously I don't want to live in a house where the furnishings and fittings are all chosen by him. Just wondered what others felt. By the way, I do feel fortunate to be in this situation and have a brand new home to move into so feel bad complaining!!

When I moved into his current place, my name wasn't on any mortgage deeds but I thought it was morally right to contribute to bills and the mortgage in some way. I wasn't comfortable not contributing at all. I'm not paying half of the mortgage or bills as they are enormous and I have my own mortgage. I have tenants so that helps. I could've sold my house and we did speak about doing that, but I have had friends who are not married and they sold their properties, moved in with their partners, and now it is not working out and they regret selling their property.

OP already has a house they each have there own home OP rents hers out and lives in her partners house

OP has a house rented out generating income to pay mortgage

her DP owns and pays for his house OP contributes to bills

I don’t think ether are getting a bad deal or taken advantage of

if they did split OP would have her house to go back to after getting tenants out

It was a never wise course of action to pay towards his mortgage when you are not named on that or the title deeds. And you thought it was morally right for you to contribute to this in some way because you were living there?.he’s taken you for a right idiot.

Actually I disagree having read updates. They've been together 20 years. She has a house and he has a house but they have both agreed to live together in his house.

In this case, I think the OP should have some input otherwise it will never feel like her home. If he is committed to living together as a couple but they want to keep finances mainly separate, then a compromise should be made where the OP can feel it is her home even if it is his house.

Thankfully you have kept your property, it is indeed to your credit you have done this.

I would say to him that it might be his house, but if he wants you to live in it with him, then he needs to see it as your home. This means allowing you some input into your surroundings. If its major fixtures and fittings fair enough, they're part of the property so his call. But you should get an input into the furniture and decor you'll be living with. If he doesn't agree to that I'd move back to my own house and leave him to it.

He's not blaming his ex, but she expected him to pay for everything and he had to pay for all her store card debts and other things I won't go into. I was not going to be the sort of partner who refused to pay my way within reason. He has been super generous in many ways such as amazing holidays, paying for me to visit my parents in Canada and many more things.

We have a cleaner and will continue to do so as we both work enormous hours.

What an asshole! You are asking the wrong question. You should be asking why you stay with someone who is still punishing you for a previous relationship.

Would you accept it if he dined and dashed at a new restaurant because he felt he had overpaid for a previous meal?

I know spoke about friends telling you not to sell & become vulnerable, but if you are committed to each other long term surely you could have considered selling your property then both buying the new house equally (either as joint tenants or tenant in common) with both names on the deeds? I guess the question is whether you are holding on to your own property as a safety net, & whether you believe you're in a long term commitment.

It sounds as though you are both hedging your bets. Keeping your own properties in case the relationship doesn't work out.

That sounds sensible in many ways. But I'd make sure you are completely financially secure long term (ie pension).

Back to your question, I think that if this is to be your home, you'd feel far more comfortable if you had some influence over decor. Is he refusing to let you have an opinion, or simply over-riding your choices? Have you 'won' any of the decisions? Have you agreed on anything?

This isn't so much controlling (by either of you) as him thinking he is more important than you because he earns more, so his opinions and tastes are more important than yours as well. The house is his, so what he says goes.

If this is truly the case, I'd go too.

This is not an equal relationship. Thank your lucky stars you still have your own house, because I don't think you should move into this new place with him.

It is possible to work long hours and not earn much.

Completely and totally this
If you wish to build a home together, sell your home or put your savings towards this, get yourself on the deeds and build a home together,
If you wish to remain financially independent and don't want to make any contribution, that's okay as well but don't then complain that your partner is seeing it as his home.
You can't have it both ways,

Good news that you have a home.
Still, do not buy furniture for HIS home.
He has a lot more money than you.
Build up your own savings.
Why is this concept so foreign for so many women.
Savings/money are not dirty words.
They are freedom, options, control of your own destiny...specifically when relationships fail, as so many do these days.

Standard Mumsnet bias
If a man had his own home that he was renting out and had his own savings on top, refused to make any financial contribution towards his partners new home but started stamping his feet because he wasn't allowed a say in how the new house was going to be furnished, the responses in here would be entirely the opposite.

Thanks everyone, wise words. The last post summed it up really and 5128 gap and of course lots of other people I have thanked individually I hope.

It's great to hear other people's points of view.

I do not think the responses would be any different if the sexes were reversed.

Paying towards someone else’s house if not named on a mortgage is a bad idea no matter what sex you are.

Reaching an agreement on the house you are both going to move into is a pretty basic relationship compromise. I understand you are not buying the house with him, but are you being expected to contribute to the mortgage, bills and upkeep? I would be reconsidering my relationship and definitely living with someone who was not willing to even find a middle ground on decorating.

I would always pay a contribution and not expect him to pay for everything. The money I pay is a token gesture I suppose towards outgoings generally. It is a lot to me but is a drop in the ocean to him as his mortgage is so high and he has his child's university fees and all that goes with that. I don't expect to be a freeloader although like I said, he has been very generous in my opinion over the years.

As mentioned above, it is a matter of feeling like I am comfortable in my own home. It is not financially mine, but I do deserve to have some say what I will be living in for many years (all going well, you never know these days).