Am I being controlling or him or both of us?!

[Venu]

Hi, My partner and I have just bought a new build home through Taylor Wimpey and as with all new builds, we have to pick the interior.

My partner has always had an issue with being in control and wanting everything his way. I believe in compromise and give and take, so will often bend in situations to accommodate his needs. The problem is, he has paid for this house and will pay for everything in it as I get paid so much less. So he is very set on wanting his own way with everything due to the fact he has paid for it!

I have clear ideas on what I want the furniture to be like and what surfaces I'd like. We agree on some things like the flooring and cupboards. I am finding it tiring that there is so much he doesn't agree with and as a result, the house will turn into a clinical waiting room or hospital with no originality.

I would've preferred an older place with more character and a bigger garden, but I compromised as I wasn't investing any money into it and my partner was stressed about all the work and expense we would need to do on renovating an old place.

This will be my new home as well, so obviously I don't want to live in a house where the furnishings and fittings are all chosen by him. Just wondered what others felt. By the way, I do feel fortunate to be in this situation and have a brand new home to move into so feel bad complaining!!

Maybe you could plead for a sitting room of your own where you could commune with your things?

I have a slightly different perspective here, as reversed - as a woman - I wouldn't put my male partner's name on the deeds. I would protect my financial security.
If in the future you bought together I would draw up a contract indicating who put in how much.

Oh read properly. You've been together 20 years? Why not buy a place together? Or are your tastes wildly different. You can stipulate in a will X (other partner) lives there until their death and then it goes to whoever. But is he thinking "I paid more in". As after two decades I wouldn't like that tbh, but that's just me.

I have to say, the replies to this are certainly a lot kinder than I've seen directed at other cocklodgers proudly not paying a penny and demanding control, with subtle threats to allege abuse if they don't get it.

It's fine you have your house and he has his. You are choosing to live in his house. Yes contribute financially as you would be paying to live somewhere if not there but obviously you know you're not entitled to any of the house if you split.

Should you have say in the decor? Technically no as it's his house but if you're a long partnership and choosing to live together in what will be both of your home (regardless who owns it) then it would be nice to have some say in the decor.

I don’t get the way people here think about these long term non binding relationships. If he wants to have a live in girlfriend and not consider her family or share assets thats fine. But then, I think, there are two different viable options for how he relates to her: honored guest or lodger who also has sex with him.

Lodger with sexual relations: She pays for her utilities, room rent, own bills. Plus she offers, and reveives, sex and emotional support.

Honored guest: house and environs are made nice to attract and keep her. She pays for nothing no rent, no utilities, no food bills. She offers and receives sex and emotional support.

I wouldn’t be staying with someone for 20 years if they treated me like a lodger.

I might stay with someone on this unregularized basis, as a gf, if they treated me as an honored guest.

I definitely wouldn’t live full time with someone who treated me like an unhonored guest and continually paraded a boundary between His space and mine.

I don't agree with the tone of how he speaks to you at all. However, just on this issue I am team partner.
If I was in your partners position I would be choosing most of the fittings too - it's my investment and you're not married so he might have the home for longer than he has a relationship with you- I would feel so annoyed living with eg cupboards or counter tops that I didn't like because I wanted to appease my cocklodging boyfriend. If you have a say in the furniture and wall decor that's more than enough.

This

Why would she be on the deeds when they’re not married and she’s not contributing financially?

This 💯
Crazy how many women still seem to believe in fairy tales!

I think it’s a bit much to start your op saying yoy and your partner have just bought a new home when you’ve done no such thing. Actually quite surprised you wrote that, and feel a little second hand embarrassment for you.

however on saying that, I do think he gets the say on all fixtures and fittings in the interior, it’s his house so he gets final say, but in terms of furnishings if you are contributing then you should have a say. It does sound like he is asking your opinion, just he prefers something else, and quite frankly as it’s his he gets the final decision. If it was your house I’d say the same.

you do seem to see it as yours though, and you need to get your head round that it is not, it will be your home as long as you live there, but it will never be your property.

My DP didn't financially contribute for the first 5 years of my daughter's life, because she was looking after my daughter. And we weren't married either. She still went on the deeds of the house when we bought it, because we intended it to be a home for the three of us forever (or until we moved to something bigger).

I don't think OPs partner is thinking the same thing somehow.

you do seem to see it as yours though, and you need to get your head round that it is not, it will be your home as long as you live there, but it will never be your property.

I think the problem here is it won't be your home it'll simply be somewhere you stop. Effectively you're a long term visitor not someone who's made her home there.

I can see why he doesn't want your financial help but I think this your relationship in that you're not that vital.

We're it me I'd move back into my own property where I could feel at home and the two of you could stop over at each others.

I think OP is getting a hard time for not contributing but missing that it's his choice, he doesn't want her to be a contributer because he doesn't want her having a financial link to him.

That’s not true, she could have sold her house, she didn’t want to either.

This sounds dangerous and naive either way.
To own a house which an unmarried partner doesn’t contribute to but put their name on the deeds anyway.
To contribute to the buying, mortgage and running of a house when you’re unmarried and your name isn’t on the deeds.
Maybe I’m a cynic!

My DP may not have been contributing financially, but she was contributing. She was doing the vast majority of the parenting and took a hit to her career so that I could work full time and bring in enough money to cover the house, bills etc.

Marriage wasn't for us, for reasons to long and boring to go into here, so this was my way of showing a commitment to the relationship, that I believed that this was for the long haul.

Yes I risked my assets, but no more so than I would have done had we got married.

You're a lodger, so while it will be your home in terms of where you live, you have zero say on anything unless he specifically asks for your input.

When he dies, does the house pass to his children?

I would not contribute any money, if it were me. I would be saving that money so I would at least benefit from living for free in a house with incompatible decor. My savings account would be larger in exchange for my eyeballs suffering.

You've been together 20 years and you have your own house seperate to him, but have now moved into a different house with him that he owns and you have no say in but you need to buy furniture for it?
After 20 years together you hadn't spoken about how living together would work in a financial way?