How did you get through it?

[DaBombDiggitty]

I found out on tuesday that my DP of 7 years has been seeing someone else for the past year. We have one DS age 4.

Dp works abroad and every 6 months would come home for 4 weeks. Very hard for all of us but we made it work or i thought we did - we would speak every day on the phone and online.

I found out by googling a name that suddenly appeared on group emails and found a picture of the 2 of them staring back at me. I called DP and was very calm and asked him if he was in love with me and if he had ever cheated on me - he said no he hadnt cheated on me and of course he loves me! So i told him what i had found.

He said he was sorry to hurt me and had never wanted me to find out - he had wanted to tell me but couldnt. He says he still loves me, but he also says it is my fault and i didnt show him enough love and affection and that i pushed him away.

Over the last year since he has been seeing her he has carried on as normal confessing his love to me and talking about more children and changing jobs.

I am so confused - saying he loves me but he is seeing someone else. It hurts so much that he wasnt honest with me and he lied when I asked him. I havent eaten since tuesday as i feel so sick and I am so depressed and crying but i am trying to be strong for my son. I cant sleep - i drop off to sleep then wake up bolt upright a couple of hours later to check my emails to see if he has emailed and to check my phone to make sure it has a signal.

At the moment I am willing to give it another go as we had a good relationship - I feel like I have lost my soulmate and my only chance at happiness and what if I dont find anyone else that is on my mind too. I cant bear the thought of him with soemone else maybe that is why I want to try again?

I am angry aswell. What does she have that I dont - I know you shouldnt judge a book by its cover but she is older than me and that bothers me I just keep thinking why her why someone who is older than me and looks over her age. Dont get me wrong I aint drop dead gorgeous but every time I close my eyes I see the picture of the 2 of them.

And to top it off I am suppose to be going away in July to see him with our son but I dont know if I can do it but I have to do it for our son so he can spend time with his father. sorry its been such a long rant

DBD, I feel so sorry for you; I was there four years ago. Firstly, this is NOT your fault. Do not accept that you forced these two people together. If he was unhappy, you had every right to expect him to talk about it with you, and work at it with you. The right choice, if you are not happy, is not to shag someone else and ruin your family. This is his doing, not yours. But of course he will blame you, otherwise that makes him an arsehole, and nobody likes to think of themselves as a complete arsehole.

When I split up with xh over an OW, my sister told me to 'play the long game'. That means don't try to make him drop her like a hotcake. If he still has feelings for you, he will be swithering as to what to do. Back right off. Leave him to his own devices, don't contact him, let him contact you etc. But DONT be nasty (een though you may so feel like it The time for nasty is not now).
This will not be the reaction he expects. He will be expecting you two to fight over him like he's the world's biggest stud.

If you want him back, I think that method may work. However, I hated my xh so much (he had loads of relationships with OW's) I just dropped him. Enough was enough. And it was the single most awful experience of my life, and still affects me on a daily basis (even though I don't love him anymore,my future doesn't feel 'secure' anymore, it won't be what I dreamed of etc). So don't make any rash decisions, because it is ashard to split as to work at it, sometimes.
She hasn't got anything you don't have, btw. It's just 'different', and you two are apart too much which gives him way too much opportunity. So sorry for you.

Diggety - you haven't lost your 'soulmate', you've lost a childish twunt who thinks he should get lots of 'attention' when he comes home, and still believes he can have his end away while he's abroad.
And he's not your last chance at happiness - what rot! There are lots of men out there, (if you want another ) who would love to have a loving family.

He's an idiot. Like littlewoman says, don't fight over him. He's not shown himself to be worth it. Back off. Let him fight for you - and your dc.

Hi there DBD - I am 5 months down the line from you. I found out last Nov that h had been involved with ow for at least 6 months (I believe now their emotional affair started probably 6 months before that!).
I really feel for you because the first few weeks are incredibly difficult. Everything has now changed. H is not the person you thought he was and as the weeks go by you will find a new stronger you to deal with this. I know that I have and I am proud of myself for it .
Thinking about the ow is difficult isn't it? I directed all my anger and hatred towards her (she is 29, I am 43 so I felt terribly inadequate) but now she doesn't bother me. I am not saying I dont still hate her but it doesn't consume me like it did.
Like your situation my h worked away alot (but only usually Mon to Fri) and the affair took place in a European country.
They do love to blame their dw for everything dont they - they dont want to feel totally responsible for their actions but THEY ARE.
In the first few weeks of finding out about the affair my h told me it was because he thought I didn't love him, he thought I wasn't happy and that he was lonely working away!!
Well I was lonely too but didn't start shagging someone else .
I found this book really helpful and still dip into it to help me understand my feelings.

Diggity, I feel so sorry for you. What a horrible way to find out. Please don't think this is your fault, my friend's xh blaed her, too for not being a wanton slut in bed and giving him all the time and attention he 'needed'. While he was business travelling all over the world and had his fun she ran the house and organised two small kids yet she was blamed for his behaviour. Realize that you have done nothing to deserve this. Do not fight for him, go see your girlfriends and speak to MNetters about it. They will give you invaluable advice and opinions!

The OW hasn't got anyting special. She's just in his vicinity while you are far away. Do not end up in comparing you to her. You are the mother of his child and wife supreme. Does she even know you exist? Maybe he has lied to her, too.

LW is right, don't contact him and don't pour out your heart to him. Carry on as usual and focus on your ds. Treat yourself to something nice and maybe swivel away a few hundred pounds, just in case. So you have a bit of a buffer.

Power hug x

Thank you for your words of wisdom!

AM92 I have just read through your thread and that has helped me.

She doesnt know about me as I asked him in an email and threatened to email her - which I dont think I could do but at the same time think maybe I should as she clearly doesnt know about me.

I have emailed him twice now but that will be it. The first email was all the questions I wanted to ask him but couldnt like when and how long etc and I emailed yesterday to his response but now i feel like I shouldnt of as i dont want him to know how I am really feeling even though he does now!! If that makes sense.

Stirlingmum - you are right - he is not the man I thougth he was - the man I loved would of had the balls to tell me and to be honest.

On the plus side I had to tell DS yesterday as he saw me crying and asked what was wrong so I told him that Daddy wont be coming to live with us anymore and he said, doesn't matter mummy coz i love you! which made me cry even more.

I know I will get through this because I have too - but i still cant see a light at the end of the tunnel!

Oh dbd, your son sounds like an absolute angel. Let this be your guiding light in all you do. There are loads of men out there who would love to have a son like this and a good wife like you and who won't gamble it away for a bit of fun and a warm body in bed for a night.

Someone once recommended this: www.drw.org.uk/workshop2.html

and www.itsnotyourfault.org/default.html

Sorry I do not have any more helping advice but I'm sure the other MNs can.

Hi diggity. So sorry to read about your experience Much of it is similar to my own experience - I found out dh had slept with another woman via his email as there was explicit emails between the two of them and a hotel reservation. The affair lasted about a year and he was never going to tell me. You can read my thread if you have time/inclination (under pseudonym hurtwife). Your son sounds adorable. The betrayal hits even harder when you have a young child doesn't it. I kept looking at my ds (nearly 4)thinking how can you do that to your son - risk splitting up the family. Have you talked to friends/family about it? I told my close friends but not my family.

Ladylush - i have told my close friends but not my family.
What i cant get my head around is that since tuesday he has called me everyday as if nothing has happened - I have tried not to show any feeling or how hurt i am but it is so confusing - why is he calling me and he calls after our son has gone to bed and he expects me to talk as normal!!???

What's his game then?

It is predictable for him to pretend that nothing has happened. It's the next stage on from blaming you. He is testing the water with you to see what is going to happen, whether you are going to tolerate what he has done or flip out. He probably never intended for you to find out and he is probably not going to leave you for her. I don't think some men even think about the consequences of what they are doing until the shit hits the fan. They don't expect to ever be found out or to really get attached to the other woman. It is just a game and an ego boost for them to start off with. Sex.

He will most likely come back to you if that is what you want. The thing that will make him most interested in you is for you to act as if you are indifferent, as others have advised. This will confuse his little brain and make him nervous. So many men seem to want what they can't have. Now that he is in danger of losing you, he will start to think about what he will lose and see you in a different light instead of good old dependable you. He might start to woo you again. He will get even more paranoid and will telephone and email even more than he is currently doing. He probably feels quite insecure knowing that you and your son are at home without him. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't arrange an emergency trip home.

I could be wrong but I predict this is what will happen. Whether you can forgive him is another matter.

Some nights, I wouldn't answer the phone. Make the bugger think (not that you are out partying, but just wondering what the hell is going on. His thoughts could do with being focused on home right now).

I dont know if i want him back now. I have woken up a bit more positive - how long that will last I don't know!!

I asked him last night on the phone what happens next if we can work through this I didnt tell him that is what i wanted - He said he owuld call me back as he was at work - fair enough i thought.

He didnt call me back though he text me and he still couldnt give me a yes or a no answer he said that he loves me and wishes i hadnt found out and that he doesnt know if he can take any more disappointment by me not showing him any love!

I havent responded to him and I wont but at the same time i dont want him to think I am devistated by his response.

Right now I just want to contact the OW and tell her what has been going on.

I still havent eaten and cant sleep properly but now i think it is more due to thinking of tomorrow as i have my tests at the doctors tomorrow I am very nervous and scared about that.

Thank you for your support and advise it means alot to me

Aw the poor love! HE can't take any more disappointment - the feeling of failure (on his part) is really hurting him. I know sarcasm doesn't really come over on screen, but really! He's the one who's f**ked up (literally) and he wishes you had never found out.Well if he really wanted that he wouldn't have played away, would he?
Agree that they don't realise what they are doing until too late. I thinkyou need to think about what YOU want now. You have been a single mother in effect for months.

"and wishes i hadnt found out"

Interesting that phrase. My h said the same. Note that he isn't saying that he wishes he hadn't done it only that you hadn't found out.

I didn't eat for a long time and everyone was worried about me. My counsellor even accused me of self-harming and sent leaflets about it (didn't help!).

On the plus side I lost 2 stone and feel fab now. I eat now but just smaller portions so it did me good actually.

Good luck at the doctors - dont know what tests are for but if it is like me I went and got tested for all std's because affair happened in eastern europe which apparently is rife with std's. I got all clear a few weeks ago so feel better now.

Be strong x

ps - regarding the ow - I would contact her and let her know about you and dc. But that is just my opinion - you must do what you want to do.

Thanks stirling mum - the tests are for std's so i am very worried about it.

I have been a single parent for the last couple of years and i am not worried about being able to cope by myself because i have done for the last few years.

I know i will get through it but its the hurt of him lying and betraying my trust and him throwing everything away.

I am angry at him now for not being honest and having the balls to tell me - He is a 38 year old man not a boy.

I woke up this morning even after his texts feeling a bit more positive - thinking F** him he has thrown his family away for what - an older ugly woman insetad of me and his child.

I am hoping this positive mood will last even though i still want to cry - he has taken my future hopes and dreams for us away from me but i will find new ones...

I am still unsure about contacting the OW - I know i dont owe him anyting but i dont know if i should. We are suppose to be going out to see him in July and i think I may confront her then - I know where she works and what she looks like its a very small place. By me doing that i feel as if she will then have to know and understand what has been lost on my side and make the situation real - if that makes sense? If i email her he may just say that i am trying to cause him trouble?

If you are feeling wicked i would tell him you do have an std and that he needs to go and get himself checked out - that way the ow will have to know about you.

The only real answer is he has to stop all contact with her if he wants to make a go of it. however this is a very very long process, and probably will not happen quickly.

You do sound possitive and try and keep that - you know you can cope alone and my bet is he is scared now as you now have the control over what may happen to him.

Keep him scared and dont tell him everything you are doing - could you 'threaten' to go out to see him sooner - nothing definite but at least it will make him think about what to do with ow, panic is good for him now.

I would also suggest be careful wrt to money ect as if he is really thinking of leaving he could well be plotting and planning now.

The best advice is to 'look after yourself now' do things just for you - you will also show him what he is going to miss.

Good luck anyway as i know this is a long tough journey now.

diggity - captainmummy said it all. The audacity of him
Well I asked dh for his mobile provider password yesterday and went through the phone bills to see how often he was phoning/texting her. Made me very sad indeed What a mess we are in. 2 months ago he was having his cake and eating it so to speak. Now he's wondering if he will be able to hold on to his wife and house. How the mighty fall.
When I bring up these things, he just has this kind of helpless look and says things like "Are we going to make a go of it, or keep going over the same stuff" which is really unhelpful. We've got counselling tomorrow. Should be fun

forgot to say that I did contact the other woman. I forwarded her the emails I had discovered and I also phoned her from dh's phone the next day. I sent her an email too. She had the cheek to tell me she didn't want to discuss it as she had "moved on". If i had been anywhere near her I think I would've been compelled to move her features!

Dh went to the clap clinic. Everything clear. He is going back next month. HIV has an incubation period of around 12 weeks so if you have slept with your dp within that time, you might want to get tested again. Hope all goes ok with your tests.

ladylush - for you! 'Are we going to keep going over the same old stuff' means that HE is over it (having been found out) and wants you to brush it under the carpet. But you are the one who's been lied to, had the shock of finding out, had your world/dreams/future suddenly some crashing down.
You take your time getting over it, if you ever do. It's NOT your fault. It's his. Don't let him forget it. (Same for you diggity.)

Good luck with counselling.

LL good luck for tomorrow with the counciling i'll be thinking of you.

Happywoman - i will keep that in mind as i am feeling very wicked right now!!

Well he just called again and i told him not to call me and i would call him if he needed to know anyting about DS. I feel proud that i told him but sad at the same time coz i miss our chats

I dont think i want him back - either he is with her because he is serious about her or because she is there and has money and is spoiliong him. I think its the latter as she is 10 years older than me but looks 20 years older.

Right now i just cant believe that he has thrown his family away for her and if he has done this too his family what will he do to her?

You are sounding so strong, well done.

How about keeping a diary to give to h about dc progress? That way he cannot say you are not telling him things. Men tend to use the lack of access to their advantage.

Hey HW, good to know you have a wicked streak. Your suggestion really made me laugh, it was very clever.
DBD, I'm glad to hear you are feeling strong. I can't believe he "can't take much more of this feeling uncared for" (or whatever crap he came out with). I nearly fell off my chair in surprise, then I laughed my arse off. Unbelievably selfish.

He is a selfish twat and i know that now but today I am not feeling positive like yesterday. I woke up crying and feeling like crap.

HW I will keep him up to date re DS - after i put the phone down on him i realised that i hadnt told him that so i sent an email just saying that i will keep him up to date re our son and he can call to speak to him whenever he wants.

I would rather he didnt call but i cant be the one to take that away from OH and DS for either of them to hate me in years to come - if that makes sense?