How did you get through it?

[DaBombDiggitty]

I found out on tuesday that my DP of 7 years has been seeing someone else for the past year. We have one DS age 4.

Dp works abroad and every 6 months would come home for 4 weeks. Very hard for all of us but we made it work or i thought we did - we would speak every day on the phone and online.

I found out by googling a name that suddenly appeared on group emails and found a picture of the 2 of them staring back at me. I called DP and was very calm and asked him if he was in love with me and if he had ever cheated on me - he said no he hadnt cheated on me and of course he loves me! So i told him what i had found.

He said he was sorry to hurt me and had never wanted me to find out - he had wanted to tell me but couldnt. He says he still loves me, but he also says it is my fault and i didnt show him enough love and affection and that i pushed him away.

Over the last year since he has been seeing her he has carried on as normal confessing his love to me and talking about more children and changing jobs.

I am so confused - saying he loves me but he is seeing someone else. It hurts so much that he wasnt honest with me and he lied when I asked him. I havent eaten since tuesday as i feel so sick and I am so depressed and crying but i am trying to be strong for my son. I cant sleep - i drop off to sleep then wake up bolt upright a couple of hours later to check my emails to see if he has emailed and to check my phone to make sure it has a signal.

At the moment I am willing to give it another go as we had a good relationship - I feel like I have lost my soulmate and my only chance at happiness and what if I dont find anyone else that is on my mind too. I cant bear the thought of him with soemone else maybe that is why I want to try again?

I am angry aswell. What does she have that I dont - I know you shouldnt judge a book by its cover but she is older than me and that bothers me I just keep thinking why her why someone who is older than me and looks over her age. Dont get me wrong I aint drop dead gorgeous but every time I close my eyes I see the picture of the 2 of them.

And to top it off I am suppose to be going away in July to see him with our son but I dont know if I can do it but I have to do it for our son so he can spend time with his father. sorry its been such a long rant

That makes perfect sense. You will feel better and stronger for knowing that you did nothing wrong. He will have to deal with the guilt too.

Hope you soon feel a bit better, remember to do something nice for you today too.

Diggety - my dad left my mum (after 25 years of marriage and 3 kids) for a woman 2 years older than his eldest daughter - this was in 1982 and my mum did everything she could to try to get him back. She virtually rolled over, bent over backwards for him, let him screw her over for the house (which WE were living in - he got most of the equity, she had to move) and sent her to a suicidal nervous breakdown. Don't let him do that to you. It was painful and pathetic to see my strong mum, in bits.
BTW he still phones her once a week. I think it's guilt. I certainly hope so. She used to think it was becuse he still cared and was coming home (he phoned recently on what would have been their 50th anniversary.) Now I think (hope) she doesn't want to hear from him at all. Bastard.

God why are they so pathetic! Its nearly a year (next month) since my exp did this to me and our sons, and I still feel shocked/hurt/confused by his actions - but not on my behalf anymore, more for the boys.

We have moved on, we are in a new home, I have a lovely new boyfriend, I can spend what I like, when I like, do what I like, when I like, parent how I like..... The plus sides to his selfish actions are huge!

I am thinking of re reading my thread but I'm not sure if I can yet, I feel like I need to get through all the "firsts" first if you see what I mean, first boys birthdays, Christmas and that dreaded first anniversary of the morning that I found out, May 10th last year.

I took the initiative and went straight to the solicitors and got the ball rolling, he didnt really know what hit him, and I am glad thats the way it went. There were times I would have done ANYTHING to make things right again, but in hindsight I am glad its gone like it has, I feel sadness that the life I was expecting my children to have has changed, but ultimately I think its probably for the better.

Good luck, read my thread if you want to, I got masses of advice that was soooo helpful and great support. Its called "think I may have been right" and posted under this talk name (that reminds me, still need to change it!)

morning all,
Same story here - my DH had a "emotional affair" last year and i found out 4th april last year.
I have lurking and reading all Happywomans and Maturers posts over the past year, and they helped me keep going.

I found emails on the pc, and then my DH left home, didnt think he loved me, that the OW was a symptom of a bad relationship not the cause. He was unhappy, and it was down to me!

After 3 weeks he came home, and is still here now. Its been a hard year, and i went through all the same conversations - "why are you bringing it up" - "how long are you gonna punnish me for" etc etc, until eventually it sunk in that this was down to him, he made those choices, and we were living with the consequences.

We are now waiting for counselling, and in many ways we have a stronger relationship, communicating better, but i still struggle with the trust issue.

My advice is to take one day at a time, its hard, but it does get better

annie

glad to hear you are getting there annie. It is a hard journey.

The counsellor we are seeing said it usually takes about 2 years for anything 'normal' resumes.

I agree that in some ways the relaionship is better and i certainly know i am a better person now.

I think you make a good point in that it is only when they realise that it was their fault that things can move forward.

Annie - do you think you will get over the trust side of things with time? I am glad that you are working things out and are now stronger.

IsHeIsntHe - I will search your thread and have a read.

I am taking it one day at a time and i know i will get through this but I feel empty and just want that feeling to end - I want to not give a toss but i am not there yet.

TBH I am quite suprised that I am at the stage where I have realised that i dont want him back and i am better off without him.

I suppose in a way I am quite lucky that he works away so I am use to it being just me and DS and I think that helps knowing that i wont see him everyday.

I still keep checking my phone and emails and wanting him to call - but I have told him not too so i guess he wont.

Thanks captainmummy and diggity. Diggity - you are sounding very strong considering it hasn't been that long since you found out. I am finding that I feel sronger on some days than others. The oounselling was difficult this week as I had been through his phone bill (the past year's bills) and it was a slap in the face. I did feel better for going though. Ds was at his granny's for the night so dh and I went to the pub and it was good to be out of the house, talk and relax a bit.

Diggity - you are doing the right thing in updating your ds's dad re. his son. Sometimes it is all too tempting to be cruel and take back some power by making contact with their kids difficult. Actually, I think it is more empowering to do the right thing. You emerge with more integrity and have nothing to feel bad about. Do you think you have made a decision not to have him back? Is there anything he could say or do that would change your mind? If the answer is no, then I think you have made your decision. My situation was a bit different in that dh did not want to keep seeing the OW and made concerted effort to try and keep me - though I made it clear I could not give him an answer. When someone has hurt you this badly, they should do everything they can to fight for you and win back your trust.........even though it may all be in vain. That's the least they can do in the circumstances.

LL - I do feel strong most days - but I am in a different situation to most - I dont have to see him everyday as he is away at the moment, which makes it a bit easier!
I have thrown all his stuff away infact as soon as I found out I did. I am glad you feel better for the councilling even though going through his phone bill must have been hard.

I did think about not telling him about his DS but i have to do that regardless of what he has done to me I cant take their relationship away from them - I dont want that to be used agianst me now or in the years to come by either my son or him.

I say I dont want him back but I dont know if I do!! I am still confused I think I would take him back as I miss him terribly - I hate going to bed knowing that he wont ever sleep in our bed again and I miss our chats.

Since I told him not to call me I know he hasnt been sleeping well as he has been online in the early hours - time wise he is 5 hours behind.

If he wants me back and I dont know if he does or if I do - he will have to do alot to win me back.

Too right - that's the spirit! I think the reality of the situation can be very stressful for the cheating men. I think they live in a make believe world all the time they are cheating and when their partner finds out, suddenly they have to deal with the reality as well. This is how it is for my dh right now. He is actually in a terrible state - not that I feel sorry for him. It is sad though how no one is a winner in these situations. The OW is having a rough time too and looking for another job. Though I think she may be saying that to make herself look better to dh. They sit two desks away from eachother at work.

LL - I think she is saying that to make herself look better! I think you are right they do live in a make believe world and want the best of both!
In someways I wish I hadnt found out - but I am glad I did - I think!!!

I am defo glad I found out.

I feel so down today after days of being positive!

I cleaned the whole house today top to bottom I couldnt bear the thought of any dirt or dust that may have been left by him -I know it sounds stupid but I had to do it!

I want the OW to know the truth that he was seeing both of us at the same time but I dont want to make the situation worse IYKWIM?

I wouldnt have him back now as he is not the man I knew and was in love with but I still love the 'old' him and keep wanting him to call me maybe I am just trying to cling on to some kind of hope?

I don't think that sounds stupid at all. Whenever my exH had called at my house I washed the carpet where he had walked, i cleaned the door handles he had touched and I wouldn't let him sit down if I could help it. I had to clean all trace of him from my house. I'm alright now though I never see him!

Could you write to the ow? Do something to get her out of your thoughts now. Even if you never send the letter write down what you are feeling about her and your h now so you can deal with it and hopefully move on.

Lady lush - i bet she is saying she will leave work to make herself look good - my h ow did this (but they still went on to promote her ).

There are no real winners imo either. If only people could see this before the affair starts. I think the men never really think about it and then feel so down after because they have also failed to see that. I honestely think men never think about what will happen when they get found out because they dont think they will get found out - twats.

Trust again?? i really dont know, maybe maturer and Happy woman could answer that, they are futher forward than iam?
I would like to, but iam afraid i look at my DH in a different light these days.
More background to it: he had spent a long time on the net "talking" to other women, with a different email address etc.
Now the problem i have with this is that he "cant remember" when pushed about them. Some of them were local (well 20/30 mins away) so i wonder if hes met them?
As i said earlier its a year since he went and i found out. Iam now sick with a cold, but aches and pains, feeling sick, no energy - iam wondering if its physcosematic (SP?)
is it normal to still feel so bad a year after?

Sorry to hijack - hope you are all doing well, am thinking of you all, theres too many of us, sadly.

HW - I am going to write to her and copy all the emails etc he has sent to me over the past year - Still dont know if I will send it to her - I may give it to her when we go over in July If we go over (have had it booked for months now and i need a holiday!!)

Annie - I know I will never be able to trust my exOH again and I look at him in a different way - he is not the man i was in love with!

I would think hard about 'involving' her - however tempting it is. If she knew about you then she will have her own guilt to deal with. If she did not know about you then she has been told a lie all along too and so should know about you. However by pouring your heart out and showing her your anger you may in fact make her feel better (that your h is worth fighting for).

I hope you are looking after yourself now and you sound so strong - well done you.

She doesnt know about me or she has been told I am an ex!!

I will not let myself pour my heart out to her or get angry but I think she should know and she will know that I am coming out and hopefully she will feel threatened and I think if i will tell her it will be quietly with dignity or by just handing her copies of the emails etc - she is welcome to him!

If he can do this to me what will he do to her?

I am feeling positive and strong but I still feel down alot but I have to be strong for me and DS!

"DBD, I feel so sorry for you; I was there four years ago. Firstly, this is NOT your fault. Do not accept that you forced these two people together. If he was unhappy, you had every right to expect him to talk about it with you, and work at it with you. The right choice, if you are not happy, is not to shag someone else and ruin your family. This is his doing, not yours. But of course he will blame you, otherwise that makes him an arsehole, and nobody likes to think of themselves as a complete arsehole.

When I split up with xh over an OW, my sister told me to 'play the long game'. That means don't try to make him drop her like a hotcake. If he still has feelings for you, he will be swithering as to what to do. Back right off. Leave him to his own devices, don't contact him, let him contact you etc. But DONT be nasty (een though you may so feel like it The time for nasty is not now).
This will not be the reaction he expects. He will be expecting you two to fight over him like he's the world's biggest stud.

If you want him back, I think that method may work. However, I hated my xh so much (he had loads of relationships with OW's) I just dropped him. Enough was enough. And it was the single most awful experience of my life, and still affects me on a daily basis (even though I don't love him anymore,my future doesn't feel 'secure' anymore, it won't be what I dreamed of etc). So don't make any rash decisions, because it is ashard to split as to work at it, sometimes.
She hasn't got anything you don't have, btw. It's just 'different', and you two are apart too much which gives him way too much opportunity. So sorry for you."

This is such an excellent post llittlewoman.

sorry - just read some of the other posts and so many of them are so spot on.

Hi diggity. How are you - I suppose that's a silly question really. I would not pour out my heart to the OW but you might feel that you are getting back your dignity by talking to her or forwarding her the emails to show you know about the affair. That way, she cannot delude herself that you don't know. Your xp may not have told her. How are you feeling about the holiday? Will it really be a break - sounds like it might be quite harrowing.

Hi LL - Im ok!

I am looking forward to the holiday as I do have lots of friends over there that I havent seen in a couple of years so I am looking forward to that side of things and DS has never been away as such - so he is looking forward to it!!

In a way I dont want to go but I do want to go!!!! I think I have to go aswell as DS is looking forward to seeing his dad and a holiday so I cant take that away from him!

Ah you've got friends there - that's good. You can have some nights out with them whilst your xp looks after your ds.

I was doing so well untill the last 2 nights!!! XDP has been calling me late like 11pm long after his son has gone to bed!! Its been weird as I havent said more than 5 sentances to him but he wouldnt end the call - last night was 20 minutes in which almost 15 of those were silence!!

I dont get it - why has he been calling me and just as i thought I was getting stronger he starts to call me.

We had a long chat online last night aswell which was good for me as I feel like I got a lot of my mind and was very angry towards him by what he has done. He was blowing hot and cold through out the whole conversation!!

One minute he was all yes it is my fault and I still love you and think about you every day and I will never be as happy as I was with you and the next he is back to it being my fault and how I will never understand how he felt.

I am so confusede again now - I was getting stronger and things were getting a tiny bit easier now I feel like I am back to square 1 - I didnt sleep last night and I am not sure if it could work again after making my mind up that I wouldnt have him back!! aarrrggghhhhhhhhhhh

Oh, DBD, you must feel like your brain's in a blender. Whether or not it would work again if you got back together is not something you have to decide right now. And don't get your hopes up too much because they can be whipped out from under you very quickly. BUT if he phones at 11pm it means he misses you and he is lonely (even if he's with someone else).

You have told him how he has made you feel. Let that do for now. When he calls he doesn't want to be made to feel bad, he wants you to make him feel better. Say something like "I wish we had tried to resolve things with counselling. It would have been so much better for the whole family". This gives him a chance to suggest it might work for you now, and puts him back in the role of family man. If you slag his OW it will just put him on the defensive. You want him back on your side, even if you don't want him in the long run. It would be nice for you to be able to decide, wouldn't it? Plus, it will really piss off his OW that he is talking to you, and she may behave self-destructively. GOOD!!

Hope I don't sound like a game playing bitch. All's fair in the name of family, if you ask me. Good luck.