Husband won't let me show emotions

[AckayBear]

Anyone else experience their husband's utter inability to be able to handle any kind of emotion coming from you?

I don't seem to be able to have any emotions without getting told I'm OTT, too sensitive or just plain weird. I can't get upset at anything or I'm too sensitive, if I feel cross about anything I've got PMT or am "psycho". If I'm happy then he says I'm "acting weird" and he's "waiting for the explosion". I really don't understand. I feel level, I've always maintained good adult relationships with my family, coworkers etc, people come to me cos I'm a "good listener" apparently.. I've never struggled emotionally... but husband seems to see me as someone different to everyone else in my life. I have emotions of course but feel I can regulate them 99% of the time. There are times when I've been pushed to my absolute limit as a mum but I like to think I handle it okay and self reflect and regulate, and if I ever snap, then I make sure I apologise and explain that I should have handled it differently so my kids can see that not everyone gets it right all the time and how to handle things when that happens. But my husband literally can't seem to deal with any emotions I may have at any time. For example.. DS is 12 and has started pushing boundaries with his cheekiness and language lately. He's a great kid, but is definitely testing me right now. Sometimes refusing to go anywhere, refusing to do homework, being unpleasant to his little brother (9). I'm having to be more strict with boundaries etc but it's a struggle at the minute. I'm just so tired. Anyway. He was really rude to me last night so I had to confiscate his phone and his mouse, he was using some colourful language and I had to exit his bedroom because I was upset, and cross, and needed space in that moment. Husband heard and saw what DS said, and got cross at ME saying that I shouldn't be getting upset and that I should grow up. He didn't support me at all, and kept telling me I was too sensitive etc and that a grown mother shouldn't be crying because of her kid. I definitely needed a time out at that point so went to the utility to fold laundry at which time husband was laughing and joking with DS in his bedroom. He does tell DS off sometimes but he's not consistent and I normally end up being "bad cop". I feel invalidated a lot. DS now won't speak to me cos I took his phone, husband says I'm mental. And I just feel lost.
Anyone else going through similar? Right now i feel confused to hell and pretty much on my own. Not sure how to deal with all this in the morning.

I haven't got any answers but I feel my DH is very similar. I thought he was controlling but now I suspect he has ASD. He doesn't seem to like me having emotions. I also feel completely invalidated, I tried to express this and he cleverly shuts me down every time.

I've been reading through this thread and and so much resonates. Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 10
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/5029021-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasd-support-thread-10
There’s a new thread on the go now. On the other hand he might just be a controlling arse! The way he was brought up may give you more clues? My DH has a lovely family who are easily able to express emotions.

Well you are on your own and your son is going to turn into his dad if you stay in this the way it is.

Since he already thinks these things, give him both barrels and tell him the door is over there if he wants a robot instead of a wife.

You feel confused, reading between the lines I think that's what your H wants you to be.
He sounds controlling and very manipulative. It's normal to express emotions, so for him to pick you up on everything you do I suggest you're in an abusive relationship. Don't put up with shit like that.

You and in turn your children are being abused by this man. Your children as gamer chick states will behave the same as their dad does if you stay in this. This man is showing you who he really is. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?

He sounds abusive.

Sounds like straight up abuse to me, calling you psycho and mental.
He's not going to change. It's pure misogyny. I bet he wouldn't call a man psycho or mental if he showed an emotion.

He sounds emotionally abusive.

And basically as though he doesn't like you as a person.

He wants a nice little robot.

I would consider whether this is a good relationship for you, and if it's the kind of relationship you want modelled to your children.

Bet he’s comfortable with his angry feelings isn’t he? I bet he’s never shied away from expressing contempt or disgust.

He hates you. There is no other explanation for someone to treat another person that way. The only feelings he has for you are contempt.

Has there been an adult in your past who taught you that people can be abusive and good at the same time? Was there an adult that taught you that it’s bad to protect yourself from emotional abuse?

How does he respond emotionally? DH used to try and ‘moderate’ me. I mainly stopped it by challenging him every time. He didn’t tend to do it in front of the kids or undermine me, though.

When he did, he’d see it as peacemaking rather than undermining.

He and DS1, both almost certainly ASD, tend to be massively averse to other people’s emotions, trying to distract or calm rather than allowing and resolving.

So things I feel strongly about like feminism are ‘obsessions’ that I go on about, apparently.

Was your husband allowed to show emotions as a child? Sounds like he was likely told off for it, like what he's doing to you

He is abusive.

Can we stop equaiting abusive men to ASD.

Staying with him will ruin your children op.

Leave him. Really.

So sorry op but this sounds like abuse. Completely unacceptable for someone to tell you how to feel & behave, within reasonable parameters.

He sounds a lot like my ex-partner. Look up dismissive avoidant attachment style. Btw I don’t think his language towards you is acceptable regardless of whether there is an explanation.

Ps and I initially wondered about ASD with my ex too, but but the attachment style literature made a lot more sense. Hope things start to improve… it’s miserable being there x

He's a horrible man who knows exactly what he is doing; Undermining you, dictating how you should act and feel and name calling you if you express yourself and show your feelings.
I doubt this will get better OP, he is modelling emotionally abusive behaviour which will impact on your children and on your self worth. Please consider leaving, this situation sounds soul destroying.

Thank you!

Only a few years ago cheating men had "sex addiction". Now bullies and abusive men are suddenly on the spectrum and have ASD.

No, people can just be arseholes. Stop minimalizing bad behaviour and call a spade a spade. My 10 year old (who actually is ASD) knows not to behave badly to people.

Op, your husband is an arsehole.

You’ve got three children. He’s not matured emotionally either by choice or through acting like an arsehole. He wants an easy life and you to facilitate that.

Mine is a very unemotional type. Didn’t even cry when his mum or dad died. Just had the “well they were no spring chickens (They were mid 70’s) - I’ve never seen him cry once in 25 years. I didn’t notice in the early days but it has become more evident in recent years. He won’t call me anything if I show emotion but I can see that he just doesn’t get it. Everything is black is and white with him. He came from a very emotionally distant family though so probably learnt behaviour.

He sounds like a prick. Is this a new thing or has he always been like it? Can't believe you've managed to tolerate him long enough to have a 12yo together.

I'd be worried about the lessons he's teaching your sons about emotion and women tbh.

If you can’t express your emotions without some sort of verbal or psychological punishment from him then that is abusive.

That said, I would get very frustrated if my DH cried every time my teenage son was an arse. Disciplining that age group requires less emotion and more cajoling, strategic ignoring and gentle piss taking.

My ex was like this and he left me while I was pregnant as I was too needy. Please go to counselling. You deserve a relationship with someone who cares about your feelings. This isn't normal.