Husband won't let me show emotions

[AckayBear]

Anyone else experience their husband's utter inability to be able to handle any kind of emotion coming from you?

I don't seem to be able to have any emotions without getting told I'm OTT, too sensitive or just plain weird. I can't get upset at anything or I'm too sensitive, if I feel cross about anything I've got PMT or am "psycho". If I'm happy then he says I'm "acting weird" and he's "waiting for the explosion". I really don't understand. I feel level, I've always maintained good adult relationships with my family, coworkers etc, people come to me cos I'm a "good listener" apparently.. I've never struggled emotionally... but husband seems to see me as someone different to everyone else in my life. I have emotions of course but feel I can regulate them 99% of the time. There are times when I've been pushed to my absolute limit as a mum but I like to think I handle it okay and self reflect and regulate, and if I ever snap, then I make sure I apologise and explain that I should have handled it differently so my kids can see that not everyone gets it right all the time and how to handle things when that happens. But my husband literally can't seem to deal with any emotions I may have at any time. For example.. DS is 12 and has started pushing boundaries with his cheekiness and language lately. He's a great kid, but is definitely testing me right now. Sometimes refusing to go anywhere, refusing to do homework, being unpleasant to his little brother (9). I'm having to be more strict with boundaries etc but it's a struggle at the minute. I'm just so tired. Anyway. He was really rude to me last night so I had to confiscate his phone and his mouse, he was using some colourful language and I had to exit his bedroom because I was upset, and cross, and needed space in that moment. Husband heard and saw what DS said, and got cross at ME saying that I shouldn't be getting upset and that I should grow up. He didn't support me at all, and kept telling me I was too sensitive etc and that a grown mother shouldn't be crying because of her kid. I definitely needed a time out at that point so went to the utility to fold laundry at which time husband was laughing and joking with DS in his bedroom. He does tell DS off sometimes but he's not consistent and I normally end up being "bad cop". I feel invalidated a lot. DS now won't speak to me cos I took his phone, husband says I'm mental. And I just feel lost.
Anyone else going through similar? Right now i feel confused to hell and pretty much on my own. Not sure how to deal with all this in the morning.

Thank fuck I'm divorced.

Sorry OP, you deserve so much better, your kids do too, or they will grow up thinking this is the norm.

2 thoughts:

First, sounds like he is just not showing you any respect. That would worry me, without that there can't be love, he can (mentally) do what he likes without remorse.

DC? Kids been boundaries, they need both parents to be consistent. If one undermines the other, sets different boundaries and rules, if only one is ever the 'bad cop': You stand no chance. DH is showing DC they don't need to respect you either.

Thanks everyone. Seeing a solicitor this Wednesday.. so so worried about finances but I've found out a few other things.. (dating app sign on.. only for a month but a paid one.. he says he was just looking around.. totally minimised it and tried to make it sound like it's totally normal). He also said "yes ok so I had a look at some dating sites" (plural!) but I've never talked to anyone or done anything. Made it out I was overreacting.
Ok.
Then proceeded to tell me that I'm probably cheating, or have someone "one-lined" up.
Good grief. It's like I've open a can of worms and I can't unsee any of it now.
He got into my phone (silly me left it unlocked in the hallway), and saw some messages I'd sent a close friend (the same one who has helped me see how unhealthy my marriage is) and he went crazy that I'd spoken to her so candidly and was fuming about her opinion of him (he read the message thread and she's not his biggest fan). Have tried to talk to him, divorce is so final, and we have two kids and twenty years behind us... but I just got told to bugger off and he refused to talk, saying I was a bitch, a psycho, a manipulator, cold hearted cow, a narcissist(!), called me Amber Heard and was frankly FUMING about the (private!) text thread on my phone. He was so so angry, saying my friend and I had labelled him abusive. He says he's going to "have words with her". I've warned her. She just said bring it on, there's no way he will. Think she has him worked out. Wish I was as confident.

I don't see how I can't go through with this. I don't think there's any other way. If the kids ever repeated this behaviour I'd feel like I'd failed as a mum. It's going to take a while I think but have to start that journey. Feel gutted, bewildered, confused..
thanks so much for the replies. The support helps no end it really does x

I feel so old to be starting over 😕 Pretty much gave up my career to move to him and start a family so earning potential now way lower. And in this financial climate, it's going to be a struggle x

I could have written your post 5 years ago after 13 years with ex DP - I was over sensitive, couldn’t handle criticism, mental etc. Then I gave up emotionally, shut down to protect myself and suddenly I was autistic, afraid, didn’t understand human emotions. I couldn’t win. He did have OCD but (as MN helped me realise), he had mental health issues as well as being an abusive twat, the two are not mutually exclusive.

4 years on DC and I are still living in the family home (afforded by child maintenance and promotions, as well as careful childcare choices!). They see ex DP every month or so, talk to him on FaceTime when they choose. I talk to him occasionally but there’s no emotional effort from my side.

We weren’t married but I did go through a solicitor to stop him harassing me and coming to the family home. Despite his claims that his behaviour was normal and I was the problem, court thought otherwise. Document everything that you can, talk to people about what’s going on, maybe do the Freedom program. Life can be much, much better than this.

Good luck @AckayBear
These latest developments show that your decision to end the marriage is the right one. The dating apps thing is shocking, and yet he's STILL making out it's your fault.

I started reading this thread because my husband is severely lacking in emotional intelligence but any attempts I've made to address it have resulted in fury and being told everything would be fine if I wasn't so "stupid" and "unreasonable". He absolutely hates me showing any emotion that isn't happy/smiley/neutral but strangely enough his response is to get angry. Bizarrely he feels entitled to show his emotion (anger) but I am not, in his eyes. It makes me feel like he considers me inferior. I've gradually felt more and more emotionally disconnected from him, kind of checked out and robotic. I bet though if I left him he'd be devastated and baffled.

You can do this @AckayBear think about how peaceful your life will be and be proud that your boys won't be growing up amongst his dysfunction. They will at the very least soak up the message that if they act like their dad does, no one has to tolerate it and will leave.
Your home will be a place where you can be happy, sad, angry and any other emotion you want to display!

Wow that escalated quickly. At least you now know it's all over and can just focus on getting out - do the practical stuff now, grieve later.
And no, never too old to restart: It's better than hanging on to something that is bad for you, or isn't really there any more.

@honeylulu is he on the spectrum? Sounds suspiciously like it.....
Thinking he hates you showing emotions because it's not something he really understands, his anger is frustration because there's something going on that might as well be spoken in Swahili.
He won't fundamentally change - So it's about whether you can find a way to live that works for you.

This. Really agree with this. Hes an abusive arsehole. Whether hes also Autistic or not is irrelevant.

He's just looking around? Who the fuck does he think he is? Abusive bastard.

Ugh, I'm raging for you. Good luck Wednesday. I hope you get very far away from him. You deserve to be treated respectfully. By your children as well.

In my experience gaslighting can be habitual and unconscious, as well as deliberate. My partner will literally rewrite history in real time to keep himself 'in the right'. He'll deny saying things he said two minutes ago, and change the order of conversations to make himself look better when challenged or given new information. He is also completely unaware that he is doing this. The effect is still one of being gaslighted. Many manipulators are unconscious that they're doing it, in my experience. It's a habitual, twisted way of relating to reality and other people.

So sorry you're going through this, OP, and please leave this Grade A arsehole. It sounds like he's taken a deep dive into the manosphere and come up shitting misogyny.

I agree.

His contempt for you is dripping through your post.

@AckayBear I was married to a man very similar to your H, he treated me the seem way, called me every name under the sun (and worse) in front of our 2 young children. I ended it in November 2022. We had been together 21 years, from the time I was 20-41. It has been at times hard (financial stress, he’s been as awful in divorce as he was in marriage) but I do not regret it for a moment, I am free, my house is peaceful, my kids are happy.

I am lucky that I have a really good job but apart from that I did it all myself … no family support, no practical support, I just put one foot in front of the other. When you’re going through hell - keep going. The only way out is through. You can do it too ❤️

'StrawberryWater · 31/05/2024 16:56
Therapy4all · 31/05/2024 15:56
He is abusive.

Can we stop equaiting abusive men to ASD.
Edited
Thank you!

Only a few years ago cheating men had "sex addiction". Now bullies and abusive men are suddenly on the spectrum and have ASD.

No, people can just be arseholes. Stop minimalizing bad behaviour and call a spade a spade. My 10 year old (who actually is ASD) knows not to behave badly to people.

Op, your husband is an arsehole.'

This.
He does not allow you to have feelings, emotions or standards, it's dehumanising. If you allow this to continue, you will become a shadow of yourself.
He has not got your back in parenting, he is casting you in the role of 'Unreasonable over emotional mother.'
Your son will get older and bigger, and push a lot more boundaries.
Your husband needs a reset, or he needs to go.

My ex would contradict himself in the same sentence. He's a habitual liar whose lies constantly morph because he is stupid and irrational, but lying is a conscious deception by definition. The fact that a person feels a great desire to do it because of their psychological make-up does not change that. They're not incapable of stopping, they just don't want to because doing it is serving an agenda that is important to them. Also by definition, gaslighting is a conscious manipulation strategy, not an unconscious coping mechanism.
People do act like assholes without a conscious awareness of why they are acting like assholes. But they are aware they are doing it, because they see that other people don't act that way and are told their behaviour is inappropriate. Not understanding why you behave as you do does not make the behaviour inadvertent and unconscious.

I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree on this.