Husband won't let me show emotions

[AckayBear]

Anyone else experience their husband's utter inability to be able to handle any kind of emotion coming from you?

I don't seem to be able to have any emotions without getting told I'm OTT, too sensitive or just plain weird. I can't get upset at anything or I'm too sensitive, if I feel cross about anything I've got PMT or am "psycho". If I'm happy then he says I'm "acting weird" and he's "waiting for the explosion". I really don't understand. I feel level, I've always maintained good adult relationships with my family, coworkers etc, people come to me cos I'm a "good listener" apparently.. I've never struggled emotionally... but husband seems to see me as someone different to everyone else in my life. I have emotions of course but feel I can regulate them 99% of the time. There are times when I've been pushed to my absolute limit as a mum but I like to think I handle it okay and self reflect and regulate, and if I ever snap, then I make sure I apologise and explain that I should have handled it differently so my kids can see that not everyone gets it right all the time and how to handle things when that happens. But my husband literally can't seem to deal with any emotions I may have at any time. For example.. DS is 12 and has started pushing boundaries with his cheekiness and language lately. He's a great kid, but is definitely testing me right now. Sometimes refusing to go anywhere, refusing to do homework, being unpleasant to his little brother (9). I'm having to be more strict with boundaries etc but it's a struggle at the minute. I'm just so tired. Anyway. He was really rude to me last night so I had to confiscate his phone and his mouse, he was using some colourful language and I had to exit his bedroom because I was upset, and cross, and needed space in that moment. Husband heard and saw what DS said, and got cross at ME saying that I shouldn't be getting upset and that I should grow up. He didn't support me at all, and kept telling me I was too sensitive etc and that a grown mother shouldn't be crying because of her kid. I definitely needed a time out at that point so went to the utility to fold laundry at which time husband was laughing and joking with DS in his bedroom. He does tell DS off sometimes but he's not consistent and I normally end up being "bad cop". I feel invalidated a lot. DS now won't speak to me cos I took his phone, husband says I'm mental. And I just feel lost.
Anyone else going through similar? Right now i feel confused to hell and pretty much on my own. Not sure how to deal with all this in the morning.

I'd definitely recommend lundy bancrofts book why does he do that.

Jesus wept, first 2 comments excusing a nasty man as having ASD, no he's just a garden variety arsehole, gaslighting his wife.

We all validate each others feelings, good and bad, solo, between each other and from external sources. That's what we think being a family is.

Not this being made out to be weak, or hysterical because why, you are female perhaps in a house of males? I'm female in a house of males and it's not like this.

First rule of parenting you stand firm together in front of the kids even if you think the other one is wrong.

I would go loopy-lou at this nonsense, but then so would our two male teens and dad would stand alone, that's largely because I am usually correct my eldest said once "it doesn't happen very often but it's only when you are wrong mum we panic".

As you say it's no one else in your life just him.
Have you said this to him?

My ex used to treat me like that. It was emotional abuse and it was awful. I didn't realise how bad it was until I left of course. He may well have ASD however you can have ASD and still be abusive to your partner. Your feelings are valid and you are allowed to have them.

Thanks everyone. I've confided in a good friend and showed her some of the text messages I get regularly from my H. She was utterly shocked. I guess I didn't really let myself see how bad things have got. When it happens over a period of years, you lose sight of what is normal and end up putting up with more and more as time goes on.
I'm scared shitless financially as I switched careers 15 years ago to live to his area and start a family so not earning an amazing wage. Plus I'm part time because childcare is so expensive.. but I've spoken to a counsellor with women's refuge and this week to a solicitor. Going to have to push the button on this but I'm so scared for the kids. I need to get them away from his words though. Also found some text messages between H and my eldest son which were shocking. H has clearly been calling my son awful names a couple of times. Also found out that when I'm not there he calls me a bitch in front of them. And once the C word. Just utterly shocked.
I think you guys were right when you said he doesn't seem to like me. I think he doesn't like himself and has many demons but is forcing them all outwards. I've tried to talk to him but he pushes me away and belittles me. I think I need to leave. Solicitor is calling again next week to ask me what I want to do. I've been with him 20 years. It feels so bloody hard but I don't see I have much of a choice.
Thanks for all your replies x

Gosh, @AckayBear ! What big steps you’ve taken. Well done- that must feel scary.

I’m so glad you’ve confided in someone and taken steps to make changes.

I’m sure it won’t be easy, but you have support from the right places and you can do it.

Sounds like my partner. Recently discovered he’s on the spectrum. These ASD men do come across as abusive although I don’t think that is their intention it still feels the same when you’re on the receiving end. They just do not have the emotional depth to understand or meet your emotional needs.

Well done, @AckayBear ! You are doing the right thing. It will be hard but it will be so worth it in the end. Just remember that your children will benefit from you being free of him. If you don’t break the cycle, someday your son will be doing the same to his partner. Keep updating and venting here as needed. There are lots of women here to support you and lend sympathetic ears.

And ignore the people yapping about autism. He’s abusive, end of. It doesn’t matter what else may or may not be going on with him, and that only distracts from the real issues.

He's a gaslighter and he treats you unkindly. Break up with him. Your son is being exposed to the way his father treats you, so no wonder he is disrespectful to you as well. He is being made to believe it is okay to mistreat women.

Agree. The fact that he's abusive is all you need to know. Why he's abusive does not matter.
Most people on the spectrum are not abusers, so I call bullshit on that excuse.

100%!

This very much can be a form of abuse.
In a healthy relationship you would be able to express emotions.
It's possible he reacts like this so that he doesn't ever have to deal with anything and so that you constantly second guess your natural reactions to things and it chips away your sense of self.

F

But ASD does not equate to “ nasty” as this man is, since he refers to her as a bitch and the c word. He is abusive to OP and she also found abusive texts from him to DS. He is manipulative and gaslighting.

ASD people find it hard to express emotion and empathy.
It doesn’t mean they don’t experience it.
It’s sad that abusive behaviour is now being explained away as ASD but it’s due to ignorance and a lack of understanding.

OP, You're doing the right thing in planning to get away from this monster.

@Vladthecat
I’m neither ignorant or lack understanding when it comes to ASD this is my life and my experience along with many other women in these relationships. Many ASD traits do actually feel abusive to who are ND and on the receiving end. My partner gaslights and manipulates by nature and that’s part of his ASD not because he’s a nasty man. This isn’t even intentional on his part but again being on the receiving end it still feels the same either way.

It’s sad that people have to have their experiences minimised and dismissed not to upset those on the spectrum.

Watch this OP

If it's truly unintentional, it's not gaslighting. It's not manipulation. You need intent in order to manipulate others. It's a deliberate strategy.
So it doesn't feel the same. To know somebody is deliberately messing with your mind is a whole other level of frightening.

No one unintentionally calls someone a bitch and a cunt.

Oh do bugger off with the whole "he has ASD therefore he's behaving like that" BS.

I have AuADHD.I don't try to control other people's emotions or police normal behaviour in upsetting situations.The most likely scenario here is the lack of emotional intelligence shown by this man and the fact that we're conditioned to believe it's acceptable for men to have low/no emotional intelligence and it's okay for them to treat others (especially partners) badly because of it.

It's absolutely emotional,psychological and verbal abuse and abuse is being extended to the children in this situation too.

The issue with abuse like this is it's insidious;it creeps in slowly until one day the abused person wonders how or where it happened,how long it's been going on and how has the person who they thought loved them changed?

Your husband is a narcissist who can't deal with reminders that you are a completely separate person, and not a part of him.

When you exhibit any emotion he experiences it as a narcissistic injury.

You need to take steps to end this relationship.

Narcs see people as objects to be controlled and dehumanise them.They don't like it when their objects make noise and complain.

Quite, except perhaps somebody with Tourettes. Unintentional gaslighting doesn't happen either. But somebody can be on the spectrum and be an abuser. I think that is where people are getting confused. They don't want to face that their spouses are both, so they blame it on ASD.
Some people on the spectrum might like little green apples. That doesn't mean ASD causes people to like little green apples.

This is great news , well done, no winder your teenager us playing up his dad is causing it. It will be hard but you will be so relieved once you get rid of him. And your children will be more settled and happier, for finances you can claim benefits to help you, it will all all right, i left and went to a refuge with 4 children under 7 it was the best thing i ever did for my family, well done and stay strong

@XChrome
Gaslighting and manipulation are not always big blow up events. They can also happen daily in little subtle ways such as denying doing or saying something or blatantly lying about doing something to avoid the consequences even if minor. No nasty intent just low emotional maturity to accept responsibility that leaves the person on the receiving end questioning their own reality which = gaslighting. Unless you’ve been on the receiving end of this you cannot possibly comprehend how that feels.

Right. That's how it works. It's still deliberate. In what world is lying not deliberate? If the person does not actually know it isn't true, it's not lying. Lying is one form of manipulation abusers use, and it's never unintentional. I don't see why you think the everyday nature of abuse negates that. Nor does emotional immaturity make it any less deliberate. The reasons why people abuse don't matter to the person being abused. Yes, immaturity is a factor. Another is a controlling nature. There are lots of factors involved. They are still deliberate acts.

I have been on the receiving end. I could write a book on what it feels like, but why is that relevant to the issue if whether or not it's deliberate?