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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separated, almost & he’s back in touch with OW

63 replies

Startingagain9 · 30/05/2024 18:06

Hi, not sure what I want/need from posting. Advice or support from others who have gone through this would be great.

My soon to be exH had an affair a few years ago, I found out and he ended the affair. We worked through it but over time resentment built & I just saw him differently. Just after Xmas I ended the marriage and he wasn’t pleased but accepted it.

I’m buying him out of our house and he’s moving out then we’re splitting custody of DC 50/50. I think we still have a few months before he’ll be out and I’ve just gone on the family iPad (which has WhatsApp setup), and he’s got back in touch with the OW. Lots of chatty back and forth like old friends catching up.

I can’t get my head around WHY this woman would want to talk to him after being dumped?! I’m also hurt that after everything he’s talking to her about our marriage. How do I keep my sanity until he’s out? I want to confront him but know it’s pointless now.

OP posts:
Littlebitofsomething · 30/05/2024 18:11

She obviously still has feelings and he's a free agent now. It makes no difference to you. Detach if you can.

Freeme31 · 30/05/2024 18:12

Does she know she is the reason the marriage ended ? I'd tell him you know and message her asking her to keep out of your marriage whilst you are ending it

Original poster
Startingagain9 · 30/05/2024 18:13

The weird thing is the messages are not at all romantic. Quite boring really.

Since their affair ended she’s got married too 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain9 · 30/05/2024 18:14

Freeme31 · 30/05/2024 18:12

Does she know she is the reason the marriage ended ? I'd tell him you know and message her asking her to keep out of your marriage whilst you are ending it

No, he’s said in a message the marriage would have ended either way. I don’t think that’s true. I thought we were happy.

OP posts:
Freeme31 · 30/05/2024 18:56

Think I'd be tempted to tell her husband they are messaging a courtesy neither gave you.

FiveZoo · 30/05/2024 20:42

Freeme31 · 30/05/2024 18:56

Think I'd be tempted to tell her husband they are messaging a courtesy neither gave you.

Excellent idea.

Original poster
Startingagain9 · 30/05/2024 21:42

I am considering it but I’m not sure what there is to tell. They read like harmless messages between friends so it may just look like the crazy ex wife.

OP posts:
PunkGigi · 30/05/2024 21:48

Why would you message the husband? It’s strange, but you getting involved would just create unnecessary drama and unpleasantness. As first poster said, detachment is the way to go.

rockingbird · 30/05/2024 21:51

Freeme31 · 30/05/2024 18:56

Think I'd be tempted to tell her husband they are messaging a courtesy neither gave you.

Yep, he deserves to know this pair have history for being unfaithful cunts

Clueless2024 · 30/05/2024 21:55

I hate to say it but I reckon they always remained in contact. Sorry

SpringerFall · 30/05/2024 21:59

The marriage is over sure I see why, but it's over so it's none of your business

MMmomDD · 30/05/2024 22:01

I am not sure why you are surprised she is chatting to him. Especially as it is ‘old friends catching up’.
They had a connection of sorts. I am sure she knew it was wrong, so when it ended - she accepted and moved on.
Time passed. Her life moved on. So did his.
Clearly she hasn't held a torch out for him.
Catching up with people you were close to but weren't in touch with is normal.

He is a free agent. He can talk to whoever he wants.

SandyY2K · 30/05/2024 22:23

He was probably fishing.
A lot of times OWs will tell MM not to contact them unless he's divorced.

Original poster
Startingagain9 · 30/05/2024 23:11

I know those saying to detach and it’s none of my business are right. I’m just surprised to see it I guess.

They definitely haven’t been in touch in the meantime. She initially told him to eff off & then he’s gone into everything that’s happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain9 · 30/05/2024 23:12

PunkGigi · 30/05/2024 21:48

Why would you message the husband? It’s strange, but you getting involved would just create unnecessary drama and unpleasantness. As first poster said, detachment is the way to go.

It’s a fantasy really & not something I’d really do but I like the thought of some kind of justice.

OP posts:
AnnieSF · 30/05/2024 23:15

I imagine you still blame her and your H for the ending of your marriage even though it has taken a bit longer. That's completely normal. I've been there too and now just think they are welcome to each other - two cheats together. They deserved each other.

FiveZoo · 31/05/2024 01:20

PunkGigi · 30/05/2024 21:48

Why would you message the husband? It’s strange, but you getting involved would just create unnecessary drama and unpleasantness. As first poster said, detachment is the way to go.

Because life's more fun like that.

Just like having an affair is.

Why should one side of the equasion get an easy ride.
Throw an upset husband into to the mix, it'll be great.

DaniMontyRae · 31/05/2024 01:29

Was she with her now husband when she was having the affair with your husband? If not, you have no reason to tell him. What would you say, that his wife is having a boring non-flirty chat with an ex of hers?

FiveZoo · 31/05/2024 01:33

DaniMontyRae · 31/05/2024 01:29

Was she with her now husband when she was having the affair with your husband? If not, you have no reason to tell him. What would you say, that his wife is having a boring non-flirty chat with an ex of hers?

Don't be silly they've both got form for abusing others.

People like them need monitoring and warnings should be given to innocents arround them.

Deargodletitgo · 31/05/2024 04:30

Innocents around them?

It's more likely her husband knows, my DP knows I had an affair with a married man,while I was also married. I was chatting to the person yesterday,who is now having another affair and seeking advice.

The OW has likely moved on, but shock horror, they are/were probably friends and catching up.

As you have ended the marriage what your ex does relationship wise is no longer your concern.

Freeme31 · 31/05/2024 08:38

OP don't think I'd take advice from deargodletitgo not really on same page as you - people who have affairs are immature & selfish not really people you'd want advice from. Hope it works out for YOU probably you already have a good start on him your divorcing him & looking forward the fool he is can only look backwards.

frozendaisy · 31/05/2024 08:47

So the clock is ticking and he will have to sort out everything for himself so he is looking around for his next house elf.

OW is married now, if this all happened after the affair and the messages are now just chat it would be really you telling OWH that his wife is chatting on WhatsApp. There's nothing to tell OP.

He'll be gone soon. Concentrate on that.

How are you going to change the house once he's out, just a coat of new paint and a shuffle of furniture, new bed if you can stretch to it, at least. Think about something else basically.

kcw000telford · 31/05/2024 08:51

Sounds like it could be one of those situations where people start out as mates then get too close and start fancying one another? That could explain why she still wants to speak with him because she misses talking to him as a friend despite the fact that he dumped her as a romantic partner? Also, don't think for one second that because she married someone else that she wouldn't want to maintain another relationship or rekindle the relationship she had with your husband. People are weird and do weird things which don't always follow your conventional understanding of right and wrong.

lovelysunshine22 · 31/05/2024 08:53

frozendaisy · 31/05/2024 08:47

So the clock is ticking and he will have to sort out everything for himself so he is looking around for his next house elf.

OW is married now, if this all happened after the affair and the messages are now just chat it would be really you telling OWH that his wife is chatting on WhatsApp. There's nothing to tell OP.

He'll be gone soon. Concentrate on that.

How are you going to change the house once he's out, just a coat of new paint and a shuffle of furniture, new bed if you can stretch to it, at least. Think about something else basically.

This exactly! If its not her it will be someone else! He's looking for someone to make himself feel better!

kcw000telford · 31/05/2024 09:02

It is really disrespectful of him to talk about anything to do with you and your marriage with her. That must hurt very much.

The fact that he feels able to talk in this way to her suggest that they became close. Did they spend a lot of time together? He should have put boundaries in place to ensure that the relationship didn't develop. His failure to do that has resulted in the end of your (and his) marriage, and I'm sure he regrets that.

Why would he have told her that the marriage would have ended anyway? I would suggest he's lying to her in an attempt to make sure she doesn't feel guilty for her part in it.