Separated, almost & he’s back in touch with OW

[Startingagain9]

Hi, not sure what I want/need from posting. Advice or support from others who have gone through this would be great.

My soon to be exH had an affair a few years ago, I found out and he ended the affair. We worked through it but over time resentment built & I just saw him differently. Just after Xmas I ended the marriage and he wasn’t pleased but accepted it.

I’m buying him out of our house and he’s moving out then we’re splitting custody of DC 50/50. I think we still have a few months before he’ll be out and I’ve just gone on the family iPad (which has WhatsApp setup), and he’s got back in touch with the OW. Lots of chatty back and forth like old friends catching up.

I can’t get my head around WHY this woman would want to talk to him after being dumped?! I’m also hurt that after everything he’s talking to her about our marriage. How do I keep my sanity until he’s out? I want to confront him but know it’s pointless now.

Lol, op read some messages.

Whilst he had an affair with a woman that was certainly on the edges of her marriage for years, probably gaslit to hell and back.

Op obviously has tried after the affair, it hasn't worked mainly because she had two slimey people in her life. The slimeys are still ego boosting one another, they are cheats with no empathy, op is well rid.
Op needs to play it wise for a while whist the financials are sorted then after that she's perfectly entitled to ruin anything good the slimeys have, if so inclined, it could also be a bargaining chip if he decided to be arrogant with the split.

It's not bitter it's justice.
Shitty people should not be able to get away with shitty behaviour.

Sounds like he is fishing for a shag and she is being polite.

When affairs are discovered and the decision is made to cut them off, it’s unreasonable to think that the people involved didn’t have any feelings. Affair partners are often in love so when it ends it can be painful even though the wronged spouse doesn’t want to see that and the guilty party has to keep feelings under wraps.

He may still have some feelings for her but it sounds like she has moved on.

Id Just move on now if I were you. Focus on your life and happiness.

She has less to forgive than you, and since she has already moved on - she was probably curious

for her it may be like catching up on all drama she long stopped watching, but since the summary is being offered to her - she may as well listen

She has less to forgive than you, and since she has already moved on - she was probably curious

I would say she's probably a little more than curious, this is a woman who she stabbed in the back, this woman was and is a rival and enemy, cheaters often like to know what their victims are up to.

They always watch their backs.

Life isn’t a chic lit novel.

Going by your user name, apparently it is.

Hashtag Code 😂

She is talking to him for the same or similar reason you give him another chance after cheating. He is very convincing and you both somehow have felling for him to allow him to convince you.
I wouldn't spend a single minute thinking about it OP. Whatever he does, his business.
I understand that you find it annoying because she is the woman he cheated on you with, but in my opinion as think are still raw you will probably find it annoying if he was speaking with someone in OLD.
None of them is worthy of your time.

Update - I asked him about contacting her and he admitted it straight away. It was strangely refreshing to just hear the truth after years of lying and asking questions that he would never fully answer.

He said she’s made it clear she’s very happily married and the most she can offer in a friendship. Still bizarre to me but I guess people have different standards of friendship.

Thanks for your advice

Goodness, you sound lovely.

I sound like someone with real experience of affairs, not only my own but a number of other people's.

You sound sad. I hope you find peace.

But what does she have to forgive him for? Presumably she knew he was married and willing entered the affair, so they both take responsibility for that. He ended it because he was caught and it’s often a pragmatic decision to stay in the marriage for financial reasons and due to children, so she will have understood that. It’s quite possible that rather than him dumping her that they have instead been on and off for many years, preceding you even meeting him, and realistic to expect that if they both want to in the future, they will have sex again. Sometimes people want others for sex and conversation, but they don’t want them for a relationship.

Why do you care?
If it gets him out of the house early surely that’s a win win situation.