Separated, almost & he’s back in touch with OW

[Startingagain9]

Hi, not sure what I want/need from posting. Advice or support from others who have gone through this would be great.

My soon to be exH had an affair a few years ago, I found out and he ended the affair. We worked through it but over time resentment built & I just saw him differently. Just after Xmas I ended the marriage and he wasn’t pleased but accepted it.

I’m buying him out of our house and he’s moving out then we’re splitting custody of DC 50/50. I think we still have a few months before he’ll be out and I’ve just gone on the family iPad (which has WhatsApp setup), and he’s got back in touch with the OW. Lots of chatty back and forth like old friends catching up.

I can’t get my head around WHY this woman would want to talk to him after being dumped?! I’m also hurt that after everything he’s talking to her about our marriage. How do I keep my sanity until he’s out? I want to confront him but know it’s pointless now.

Thanks all. The majority are right although I don’t believe infidelity is abuse.

They have been friends since teenagers & neither were single throughout their adult life. She was single as Covid and the affair started & she’s got married since he went no contact. Fast work!

Reading the conversation (I can’t help myself!), he told her our marriage was over, wanted a life with her etc then when I found out about them we sat down together & he messaged a ‘don’t contact me again’ type message and blocked her. I would have kept him blocked forever if I was her too.

We never said the marriage was over. He begged for forgiveness and to stay!

I’m going to ask if he’s been in touch with her today. More out of interest as to whether he lies, again.

I’m so excited to have his things out of the house! He’s into quite a strange sport with huge equipment and it’ll all be gone!!!

I definitely want to completely redo the main bedroom & feminise it. And take over all the wardrobes!

Actually thinking about him leaving makes me so happy. 3 years of wondering when he’d slip up and let me down has been exhausting.

You have dc together and you are going to have to find a way to do parent successfully.

I was left for the OW, I had to do a lot of biting my tongue but we navigate a reasonably amicable divorce and settlement. Now the dc are adults there are no issues about having us both, with his wife, at family events.

Think about the future you want to create for your DC and tread carefully.

I can’t see why they can’t be friends, they clearly were close for a long time. I mean you’re still talking and you dumped him. And you even attempted to stay after he cheated, so I’m not sure where you’re coming from, sounds like a bit of jealousy to be honest, move on, you’re past all that.

@YesHesAPlonker Thanks, it’s a good point. We’ve somehow managed to stay on civil or even friendly terms throughout. I don’t love him anymore which helps. It’s odd that I now almost feel sorry for him but he’s good looking & smart so will undoubtedly find someone quickly.

Not jealously but definitely hurt and I feel disrespected by him discussing our marriage.

Also confusion as to how/why she’s forgiven him. I forgave him because we have children really.

I wouldn’t blame you for telling her husband. She and your ex transgressed and behaved deplorably - why should you be held to some rigid code of honour and be forced to remain silent?

But other than talk to an ex from when she was single, and according to the op, it is very mundane, she’s done nothing, and what she has done isn’t wrong.

Why shouldn’t she forgive him, he decided to give his marriage a go for The kids, I understand why you’re hurt, but I don’t really see why you’re thinking she should never talk to him again.

Maybe I have different standards to the OW (clearly!) but if someone dumped me out of the blue & froze me out for years then just popped back up I would laugh in their face.

Ok, but I think she’s clearly not as bothered and doesn’t hold grudges, happy to make small talk, happy in her life. I’m really not sure she’s the problem, or why you’re fixated on her.

Do you think he’s sniffing round again op. Is that what it is?

But you said they've been friends a long time so she would be more understanding than if it was just some guy who dumped her. She likes him and would get why he had to choose you and cut her off, but now you're separating so he's free to be friends with her (and whatever else, up to them). I don't think there's anything to confront him about and you understandably don't like her so it's coming out as this 'different standards' confusion. But it's not all that complicated. They like each other and want to be friends. Friends tell each other things. This is a tough but necessary step to letting him go and focusing on better things that you have control over in your own life.

I think it’s natural and healthy to be curious about the OW. Why’s and when’s. What does she have that I don’t kind of thoughts. We look very similar, similar style, hair, body shape etc. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. Sometimes I feel like I was the second choice and it was always her.

but we have great children and I have a great house so I don’t think I regret it.

Well of course he's sniffing around her.

He wants a replacement woman and going after one who has already proven receptive is far easier than the faff of trying to find an entirely new one

He's hardly going to have qualms that she's married - he had none when he was the married one.

I agree!
If someone cheats, they usually don't want to be single and try to have someone else lined up, and as you say, it's a lot of bother to find someone new when there's someone who was willing to carry on with you whilst you were married and your poor spouse was in the dark. OW must have known STBXH was married but she didn't care, so why would she care about her own husband? Cheats aren't generally selfless and tend to be shallow people whose main concern is the gratification of their own desires and never mind the effect on anyone else!
OP I don't know whether I would contact OWH in this case because as you say, it seems mostly like banal chatter. If there was anything sexual I would though- the poor man would deserve to know the truth about who he'd married! In his shoes, I'd want to know because then I could take control, finish with the betrayer and keep my self-respect! Perhaps keep your eyes and ears open for now, but don't bother confronting your STBXH, he'll only lie or try DARVOing you for "snooping"!

Yes fair point.

Stop reading his WhatsApp messages. It's not going to help you in any way. Delete it off the iPad now and just move on.
You will have to accept you may never understand him or his motives or why he is how he is. But this is no longer your problem. It's really tough but that's the moving on part which needs to happen.

This but now he’s free and probably wants her back.

They're in a relationship and they've both moved on from their exes. They're getting friendlier.

Move on from him. It's none of your business. Build your own life.

It will take time to work through the emotional reactions to what they did but work on that instead of chewing over resentment.

I also doubt it was as cut and dried as he dumped her and blanked her as the op thinks, and he prob told her,,but it’s irrelevant now.

shes moved on and is married, the messages are mundane just catching up, sure he was prob thinking of getting back with her, but likely that ship has sailed.

I would do nothing right now that would jeopardise the amical split and setting in stone how much you'll pay him to buy him out and he'll pay maintenance and I assume help with uni costs.
Once it's all signed sealed and settled, nothing wrong with enquiring about OW then, and then letting a bomb off, if you want to that is.....

I don't think you've any right to read his messages.
What he does now has nothing to do with you.

You say you're not bothered but by reading the messages proves that it's not true.
I'd just get through the next few months,get everything you're entitled to and leave him be
If you mention anything about her , he'll know you read his messages and he mightn't be as generous in your split.

I haven’t said I’m not bothered. I am. It’s hurtful.

That’s true. It sounds mad to say it but he’s not a bad guy & we get along fine so I feel I could ask him if they’re in touch again without it being an argument. I’m curious to know if he’ll continue to lie or be honest now. We’ve both had a lot of therapy over the last few years so who knows.

I’ve logged off WhatsApp from the iPad so without him logging back in on that device I won’t see anything else. Save myself from overthinking!