My husband has another daughter

[Candidia]

Long story, so I apologise in advance.
I have been with my husband since I was 15, I'm now 44 and he is 53. Around 4 years in to our marriage (I turned 17 three days before our wedding). We we're in our local pub on New Years Eve, and a friends then girlfriend was showing our daughters photo side by side with her nieces photo telling everyone that my husband is her father. I was young and I lost it, I thought she was saying he had cheated on me. My husband at that time told me he isn't the father and that the woman in question had slept with a lot of men (some of his friends had also been with her around conception). Over the years he has always denied it, but last weekend the other daughter messaged him on facebook, he met up with her a couple of days after and it went really well. He is now telling me that he has always known he is her father, but didn't want to upset me and our daughter. My husband recently started dealing with his mental health, he admitted around 4 years ago that he was turning into his father. Which he was, my daughter had to live and grow up with what he now calls himself the "C" word. My daughter has severe mental health issues, Anorexia Nervosa, OCD, Autism...She is refusing to meet her suspected half sister until they do a paternity test. I 100% agree with her, but my husband is now after meeting her that she is 100% his daughter and doesn't want us to ask her to do a test. I'm so overwhelmed with the situation, its brought all of my insecurities to the surface. I was sexually abused just before I met met my husband and I've not told anyone else but him and my best friend. I know I need to deal with it. My question is how do I help my daughter through this and how do I stop feeling like he's cheated when he hasn't. I don't know what to do

So you were 15, and he was 24 when you got together? It sounds to me like you and your daughter have both had to deal with an imbalance of power for the entirety of your relationship.
Your daughter has to come first here. A relationship cannot be forced upon her. If she wants to take it slowly, wait for a DNA test, or even not meet her suspected half-sister at all, then that has to be respected.

Very unfair for him to dump this on your dd when she is vulnerable. Why is he so keen to step up now ?

Your husband sounds absolutely awful. I think it would really help you and your daughter if you separated from him and if your daughter saw who she wanted, not who he wanted.

@historygeek There has been a lot of mental abuse on his part, which all of a sudden he's admitting to. Which is good, I don't want to leave but I'm not sure if I can cope with this. I have already told my daughter she doesn't have to meet her, even if a test does say they are sisters. How do I ask his estranged daughter for a DNA test. I don't want to hurt her anymore than she already is. She's had 31 years without knowing her father.

@LIZS Thats what I'm questioning, he wants everything to be sunshine and rainbows all of a sudden.

Who supported you OP when you were being groomed at 15 years old by your 24 year old boyfriend?

Anyone?

This man abused you as a child, he then married you and continued to mentally abuse both you and your daughter.

This man is a cunt, yes.

I've no advice on what to do but he should be held responsible for all his abuse and I'm not sure how you'd go about doing that.

He hasn't cheated but he has lied to you for your entire marriage.
I would strongly recommend you arrange some counselling for yourself before you can help your daughter. You were sexually abused at a young age, then as a 15 year old a 24 year old adult man dated you and subsequently married you while you were still very young. He's admitted he's been awful to you and your child throughout your marriage. You need some professional support to process your thoughts and feelings around your entire relationship.

Regarding the other daughter, you cannot stop him having a relationship with her. Equally, he cannot force you or your child to have a relationship with her. A DNA test seems sensible but again, you cannot force that, it's not your choice to make.

@Sue152 It is all my fault, you're right. I don't feel that I'm good enough for anyone. I was diagnosed in 2010 with multiple sclerosis, spinal stenosis and a whole list of back problems. He's stood by me, but he's also threatened that if I leave he will do all he can to make my life hell. I don't know why I stay, I don't know why I've let this happen to my daughter. I feel bad enough as it is, I'm so scared

Without a DNA test he knows nothing. He might not be this girls dad. In the interests of the truth they need to take a DNA test. You can't force anyone do do anything but I wouldn't consider having any involvement until it's confirmed.

Your daughter doesn't have to meet anyone. She doesn't have to have a relationship with anyone. If they are sisters it does not mean they will actually like it love each other.

You csound worn down. If your not having therapy already I think you need it. There's a lot of stuff to unpick.

Please contact Womens Aid, this monster has groomed you since you were a child and he's threatening you in to staying so he can continue to abuse you.

You and your child need therapy and to heal from the groomer in safety, away from him.

He sounds like na abuser through and through. Take your dd and get gone. She is old enough to have nothing to do with him if she chooses...

Oh god OP, please please get away from this vile groomer. This is so heartbreaking.

Sorry to be grim and you don't have to answer, but could he have preyed on the daughter he has with you? Does this other daughter have kids?

This. ^ I am so sorry for everything you and your lovely daughter have been through @Candidia Your DH sounds horrific sorry. Grooming and manipulating you when you were a child, and controlling your life and your moods all these years. And he lied all along about being this girl's father. FFS. I despair. 😫 I hope you get the help you need and you and your daughter will be OK. I agree with pps, you need to take steps to get away from this 'man.'

@Aldertrees my daughter will be 27 at the end of June, she can't have children due to the anorexia. And no I have no worries about anything like that happening.

Is there anyone in your life that you can get support from? Somewhere you can go and be safe?

He took advantage of you when you were young and vulnerable.

You deserve a better rest of your life. Leave that abusive and exploitative man. Your daughter will be so much better not having to deal with him and all the drama

You've been together 30 years. Is your daughter in her 20s? So she is older than you were when you met and married your husband.
Does she live with you?
She can choose what relationship she has with this other girl. So can you.

Do you have anyone else supportive in your life, friends or family?
How do you feel now about your husband and the start of your relationship? It sounds as though you both acknowledge there have been issues over the years. Has he been a good husband to you? A good father to your daughter? He has deceived you over this at least for many years.

Do you and/or your daughter work? Do you know of any local counselling services or refuges? In your position, I think I would want to talk through all of the circumstances and understand my feelings about them and work out what my options are and what support would be available for me and my daughter.

The other girl would be a secondary thing.

OP you could try Connect counselling when you are ready to speak about your childhood abuse, it's a free service that covers Ireland and the UK.

https://connectcounselling.ie/

You do not yet feel ready to leave this unhappy marriage as this man has abused you and is also now threatening to wreck your life if you leave, this combined with childhood trauma will leave you feeling frozen in place and uncertain what to do, even if you could decide what to do you won't believe you have the ability to act on it. Please reach out to someone for support for you and your DD urgently.

@Schoolchoicesucks that's likely to be an overwhelming amount of questions for the OP. The daughter is 27.
It's not appropriate to ask if a grooming child abuser is a 'good husband'. OP needs support to divorce this absolute monster.

Your poor daughter.
Your husband is utter scum.
A predator that took advantage of you, a child.

@FineWordsButterNoParsnips
Yes, the OP posted her dd's age while I was typing.

I imagine that you and I hold similar views about the power imbalance at the beginning of OP's relationship, but the OP hasn't expressed her feelings about it as far as I have seen.

I don't think that encouraging the OP to reflect on her situation and her adult-eye view of it is inappropriate.

Child abusers cannot be good husbands. It's shocking to read that anyone could think that's a thing.

OPs focus should be on healing from her horrific abuse that spans decades and ridding herself of the scum.

All of this is so overwhelming, I don't know if I can cope. I can see how it might look like he groomed me, but i dont think he did. Everything else i 100% agree with. I've called my GP and a doctor is going to call me this afternoon.

My daughter is too poorly to work and yes she lives with us still. I don't have a relationship with my dad, my mum i don't feel close to her. It was my mum and dad that arranged the date with my abuser, he is the son of a close family friend.

It's not meant to feel like grooming lovely. That's the purpose of it. It's how they operate and they're good at it too. Would you feel the same if your daughter was 14/15 with a grown men of 23/24? It's not right.

I've not read anyone on this thread suggest that the OP's husband is a good husband

@OP speaking with your GP is a good first step. Hopefully they will be able to signpost you to some other support too.