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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband has another daughter

55 replies

Candidia · 29/05/2024 13:09

Long story, so I apologise in advance.
I have been with my husband since I was 15, I'm now 44 and he is 53. Around 4 years in to our marriage (I turned 17 three days before our wedding). We we're in our local pub on New Years Eve, and a friends then girlfriend was showing our daughters photo side by side with her nieces photo telling everyone that my husband is her father. I was young and I lost it, I thought she was saying he had cheated on me. My husband at that time told me he isn't the father and that the woman in question had slept with a lot of men (some of his friends had also been with her around conception). Over the years he has always denied it, but last weekend the other daughter messaged him on facebook, he met up with her a couple of days after and it went really well. He is now telling me that he has always known he is her father, but didn't want to upset me and our daughter. My husband recently started dealing with his mental health, he admitted around 4 years ago that he was turning into his father. Which he was, my daughter had to live and grow up with what he now calls himself the "C" word. My daughter has severe mental health issues, Anorexia Nervosa, OCD, Autism...She is refusing to meet her suspected half sister until they do a paternity test. I 100% agree with her, but my husband is now after meeting her that she is 100% his daughter and doesn't want us to ask her to do a test. I'm so overwhelmed with the situation, its brought all of my insecurities to the surface. I was sexually abused just before I met met my husband and I've not told anyone else but him and my best friend. I know I need to deal with it. My question is how do I help my daughter through this and how do I stop feeling like he's cheated when he hasn't. I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Mischance · 29/05/2024 15:59

There has been a lot of mental abuse on his part - I am really puzzled as to why you are sharing your life with this person.

unsync · 29/05/2024 16:00

Candidia · 29/05/2024 14:02

@Sue152 It is all my fault, you're right. I don't feel that I'm good enough for anyone. I was diagnosed in 2010 with multiple sclerosis, spinal stenosis and a whole list of back problems. He's stood by me, but he's also threatened that if I leave he will do all he can to make my life hell. I don't know why I stay, I don't know why I've let this happen to my daughter. I feel bad enough as it is, I'm so scared

Ignore @Sue152 this is not your fault. Your husband groomed you as a child and even now continues to abuse you. You can get help for you and your daughter. Contact your GP and Women's Aid to start with and get the help you so desperately need. Tell them exactly what you told us.

The other daughter is a red herring, your husband is an awful man and you and your daughter need support to live an independent life free from him and his abuse.

K0OLA1D · 29/05/2024 16:04

@Sue152 - you should be ashamed of yourself

OP I am so sorry you're going through this. Both yours and your daughters lives have been turned upside down by this man. He is not a good husband or father.

You both need support. Please reach out and accept it

user1492757084 · 29/05/2024 16:05

Forget about the "other daughter" until there is apositive DNA test and even then you don't have to meet her ever.

I think you will enjoy life on your own terms, with your daughter. Do you look forward to many more years with your DH?

Mabelface · 29/05/2024 16:05

None of this is your fault, my lovely. You've not stood a chance in life here. However, that doesn't mean that this can't change for your future. Now your daughter is an adult, you can both get away from him and not tell him where you are. He has no right to know.

You've an awful lot to take in here now, especially when your eyes are slowly opening to the abuse he's meted out to you both over the years.

When you're ready, reach out to women's aid for help to get you both away. It's huge and scary, but there is a better life out there, and you deserve it. Hold a picture in your head of a home where it's peaceful, calm and yours where you can be yourself. That can be yours.

FineWordsButterNoParsnips · 29/05/2024 16:28

Schoolchoicesucks · 29/05/2024 15:56

I've not read anyone on this thread suggest that the OP's husband is a good husband

@OP speaking with your GP is a good first step. Hopefully they will be able to signpost you to some other support too.

Show quote history

You asked her if he was.

Iaskedyouthrice · 29/05/2024 16:31

I think you and your dd have spent too many years being abused by this man don't you? Do you want out? Do you think you can gather the strength to get out? I think you can, I say this often on here but you have no idea just how strong you are. The shit you have dealt with and continue to deal with, yet every day you get up out of bed and carry on. That takes unbelievable strength.
He can threaten you all he likes, he has abused you for years, at least you can have some respite from it if you leave him.
You are so young with so much life ahead of you. You can build a happy, safe home for you and your dd. You may not have as much money, your house may not be as fancy, but it will be your sanctuary. This 'man' has taken far too much from you. Get it back.

OneLemonOrca · 29/05/2024 16:34

Well he lied to you by omission and was dishonest and that’s undermining you and your relationship

Silvers11 · 29/05/2024 16:42

@Candidia - how can you be absolutely certain your Husband didn't sexually abuse or try to abuse your daughter?

Schoolchoicesucks · 29/05/2024 17:03

@FineWordsButterNoParsnips

Yes. Asking a question is different to making a statement.

Feelsodrained · 29/05/2024 17:28

Your husband sounds very abusive and I hope you and your daughter can escape him. You deserve a lot better.

FineWordsButterNoParsnips · 29/05/2024 17:52

@Schoolchoicesucks I really don't want to derail the thread, but this shouldn't need explaining-you asked if the abuser is a good husband. This is moot, as it is not possible.

GingerPirate · 29/05/2024 18:24

Oh dear....
🤢😢

Schoolchoicesucks · 29/05/2024 18:40

@Candidia have you spoken to the GP? I can imagine this does feel overwhelming, but there will be support for you and you can take time to decide what the best path is for you and together with your daughter for her.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 29/05/2024 19:04

sandorschicken · 29/05/2024 13:50

Who supported you OP when you were being groomed at 15 years old by your 24 year old boyfriend?

Anyone?

This man abused you as a child, he then married you and continued to mentally abuse both you and your daughter.

This man is a cunt, yes.

I've no advice on what to do but he should be held responsible for all his abuse and I'm not sure how you'd go about doing that.

All of this. I'm so sorry that this disgusting man groomed you, abused you, stole your teenage years, and it sounds like damaged your daughter as well.

Edited the add that NONE of this is your fault 💐

KomodoOhno · 29/05/2024 19:15

I wouldn't ltb over this secret daughter. I'd definitely ltb over his treatment of your dd over the years. Your dd needs to come first. I'd recommend counseling to help you help her thru her trauma.

countrysidelife2024 · 29/05/2024 19:33

you don't see how you were groomed? You were a child. he was an adult.

He dated the youngest possible for it to seem "ok" how young is too young? How young do you have to be for it to be groomed? 13? 10? 4? Ridiculous. he was a Pedo.

mumofblu · 29/05/2024 20:34

Sadly it does seem like this man took a young wife and now has an interest in another young girl who may / may not be his daughter .
Most men in this situation would want a DNA test , however by dangling a situation of " this young girl may be my daughter so I'm going to spend time getting to know her " leaves the route clear to pursue a " relationship " of some kind with another young woman , and anyone who objects will be seen as unreasonable .
Very sad 😞

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 29/05/2024 20:38

Lifelong · 29/05/2024 14:54

Your poor daughter.
Your husband is utter scum.
A predator that took advantage of you, a child.

This. Your husband is a paedophile groomer. Nobody protected you.

wendycupcakes · 29/05/2024 21:05

It's not your fault op but your husband is a pedo.
And deep down you know this.
Would you let your 15 year old date a 24 year old man.
He's abused you for years and it needs to stop.
He stole your teen years when you was still a child.
Disgusting.
You daughter must be a mess knowing her dad is a pedo.
Talk to womens aid.
He's a disgrace.
God knows what people think when they find out how old you both were when you got together.

DullFanFiction · 29/05/2024 21:19

@Candidia do you have any idea on why he suddenly wants to be all nice and clean, acknowledging his past faults?

Does it coincide with him getting in touch with his dd?

And more importantly, has his behaviour changed? As in, if he was abusive before, which he recognised, is he actually nice and caring nowadays rather than abusive?
(The fact he also told you he’d make your life a misery if you left, tells me he is still abusive and it’s all for show but maybe I’m wrong?)

Im wondering if he somehow wants to present ‘well’ to his dd and be sure you’re not going to leave/start talking (and if you do, then he can say ‘he isn’t like this anymore so it’s you who is crazy’ iyswim)

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 29/05/2024 22:20

This vile man absolutely groomed you, it won't seem like it to you as that is exactly what grooming is.
I have an almost 15 year old DD, not a fucking chance I'd let a 24 year old bloke anywhere near her.
It doesn't matter what threats he makes, they'll be empty. You need to take your daughter away from this awful environment.

Frostfable · 29/05/2024 22:24

I have been with my husband since I was 15, I'm now 44 and he is 53
I stopped reading here

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 30/05/2024 12:05

You need therapy to unravel everything

if you can afford it go for it but if they don’t feel right choose another one till you both have an understanding of each other

do not let him as hell tell you don’t need it and say he’s all you need.

due to your mobility can you get to and from is another question or are you reliant on him. Some therapies are online too if that helps

fear makes us stay it’s the unknown and can take a few goes to actually leave into the unknown and woman’s aid can help here.

is your daughter in therapy at all for the ED is she under a specialist for her ED. Was there a reason, as that might need exploring if she’s up for it.

I’m bloody fuming at your so called parents setting this up a man with a child that’s disgusting.

Original poster
Candidia · 30/05/2024 18:38

@Sevenwondersofthewoo the man my parents set me up with is a different person. Its not my husband

OP posts:
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